Summer plans

I feel like during the summer I want to learn Japanese. I'm somewhat inspired by my friend that is learning Korea, and I want to learn a langue too. and I've always wanted to learn Japanese, so I might figure out a way to learn. I want to download a program of some kind that'll teach me how to speak Japanese.

On another note around summer, and planning. I want to buy a bike so I can go out bike riding during the summer.

handfasting

Hand fasting is something I want to do with a special someone when I'm ready and they are ready. Its like a form of being married, but compared to the legal documents, and the really pricey arrangements hand fasting is cheaper, more affordable and it has a pretty good meaning to it.  Its from the ancient Celts, and its practiced by pagans and wiccans, and its also done by non-pagans and wiccans.

Bride and Groom repeat the following together: You cannot possess me for I belong to myself. But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give. You cannot command me for I am a free person. But I shall serve you in those ways you require and the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand. I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night, and the eyes into which I smile in the morning. I pledge to you the first bite from my meat and the first drink from my cup. I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care. I shall be a shield for your back, and you for mine. I shall not slander you, nor you me. I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel, we shall do so in private and tell no strangers our grievances. This is my wedding vow to you. This is the marriage of equals. The Priest or Priestess says: These promises you make by the sun and the moon, by fire and water, by day and night, by land and sea. With these vows you swear, by the God and Goddess, to be full partners, each to the other. If one drops the load, the other will pick it up. If one is a discredit to the other, his own honor will be forfeit, generation upon generation, until he repairs that which was damaged and finds that which was lost. Should you fail to keep the oath you pledge today, the elements themselves will reach out and destroy you.

Guess What

Guess what I've done? I've passed my class, I passed with an 88%. I got honors, and I feel really special. I'm glad I've passed, I've dealt with so much crap this seamster and I honestly thought I'd fail! but I passed! and I feel so proud and glad.

My roommate cats

This is tex. He is a older cat but he loves to mew and he is my bestie.

This is cookie. Shes a sweetie. :) 

Beach walks

I went to the beach a couple of times now with my boyfriend. The beachs out here are really lovely and Its been so nice to go to the beach with someone and enjoy the ocean and the breeze. Its been so much fun to go on walks along the jagged rocks also.

Its been windy out so we haven't gone to the beach lately. But when we first started dating, which has been like two weeks, the first week we spent a lot of time going to the beach and walking along the logs and rocks that connect from beach to beach. Its been fun.

Tsum Tsums

Look what I found. I found these little cuties at walmart, they were $5 each. >W< I'm so excited and happy, I finally bought myself tsum tsum! I've been waiting for years to buy them. I do want a bigger one, but these ones are cute and tiny. I didn't see any other ones I wanted so these ones were good and they are super sweet looking.

I want to play that tsum tsum game, but I don't want to use up space so I probably won't download it. But yay, I have little cuties now.

bunnie

I tried these cookies this week. They are yummy. They are gluten free bunny cookies. These ones are choco flavored and they are really really really yummy. (which I've already said so that means they are even more yummy)

Family

So I decided to cut ties with my family. On all sides. There has been so much pressure I think after the years that my mom is a horrible person and my dad couldn't help the bad things he did because she'd threaten to take us away. I started to realize and figure out that its an excuse and he could have did more. He could have taken us away, and he could have not did the things he did. Just because Bonnie threatened him doesn't mean he needed to do the things he did. He could have easily said no and left it.

I also thought about more of the abuse, the animal abuse, the kid abuse. My mom wasn't the only hurtful person, and my dad has always used the excuse that he couldn't help it because of Bonnie.

My siblings use excuses like they were just 'kids' and they didn't know any better.

Because telling a person with an eating disorder to stop, because it'll upset another sister and she'll stop eating too. Being told I'm ugly and annoying and I can't do any of these things, and you better stop before I scream and get dad to beat you is total fucking normal. And totally a kid fucking thing.

I hate them.

I hate my mother, and I don't want to talk to her. But I can't make excuses for the shit my dad did, and I can't make excuses for the problems my siblings caused me. I wasn't allowed to be me, I'd get beat for singing. And my little sister that would scream and have fits about it, now she says that embarrasses her now, she doesn't want me to talk about it. Yet the abuse has hurt me and still effects me.

I've also been told I can't blog and deal with my problems. I can't talk about my sexual abuse because it upsets the 'children' and I get told I'm being selfish. I talk about my sexual abuse and it upsets them.  I get told it never happened. I get told by my gay brother that it is a lie, because he is gay and he has a gay raider and he could tell if Bonnie was gay. ignoring and being utterly ignorant to sexual abuse and it has nothing to do with sexuality. But what do I know, he is the gay brother.

He also was alive during the total time I was born, even though he is 16. but yeah he knows everything.

Ignorance.

My siblings complain because its not fair to them. Because its their mom too. So I'm suppose to keep my trauma bottled up and let it kill me. Because its not fair to them for me to express it.

I cut myself and I appearlty do that all the time, and I always tell my father. I told him once and he wasn't supportive so I gave up on telling him. I cut and I keep it a secret. I just rip apart my skin quietly and speak nothing. Because if I do cut myself, I'm just saying it for attention and I'm just rubbing it in there face. And I'm just trying to hurt my dad.

He couldn't even talk to me about it, he allowed my siblings to talk to me about it and get mad at me. And tell me dad had 'panic' attacks and he was so deeply hurt and everyone tried to make me feel like shit. Because me expressing myself isn't normal. Me wanting support isn't normal. Dear god Sarah, stop being selfish. Don't you realize you are the fucking oldest and everyone, even the parents expect you never to fuck up or have negative feelings.

All Normal.

To be honest, I want a real family. One I can talk to about my problems and they can talk to me like I'm an adult. Ones that can be supportive. Not make stuff about them.

Not selfish and like me me me.
Wah Wah wah
Why can't something that is about you, be about me.

Or scream
"Fake" "Lies" "Made up"

I'm dealing with my problems, I'm writing them out.  This helps me.

Being told I can't use my space, so I'm an idiot
Being told I can't be upset, is messed up.
Being told I'm the oldest so I need to get the fuck over it is ridicules.
Being told "Well family friends will stop talking to dad and us" is just utter bull shit.

Maid

I really want this maid dress.  They are so cute and proper looking. They'd also be fun to wear around victoria on a random sunny day. They are so cute. The one I want is Alice In wonderland themed. 

I like it in black and white. Its so cute and puffy. I'd love to dance around in it! 

My ex

Its been about a month and I'm feeling comfortable enough to start talking about my ex. Mostly because I know he won't be able to call the police on me, or threaten me anymore.  I feel protected by my roommates and my landlord, I also feel protected by my boyfriend and some of my new friends.

He seems to think I abused him and I gas lighted him. But from the parts I've look into to. I  haven't. I kept his secret that he cat fishes people with a girls photo that he found on tumblr.  He sells photos of some lady with her lady bites, and he gets paid.  to be honest, I want people to know this about him.

I tried to get him mental help by asking if he wanted to join a program, I encouraged him to get help compared to just being in his house all the time. I don't feel like I've been abusive to be frankfully honest.  Yes when I tried to commit suicide I was focused on me. I think slicing your skin gives you permission to be selfish. But when I called for help and he was asked to speak to someone he told them I was 'okay' and fine.  and handed me the phone and acted like my self harm was meant to hurt him. Ignoring the fact that I dissociated and I was trying to ground myself.

 When I was in hopstial he called that a 'vacation' .

I started to feel weird in my relationship with my ex around the time I was diagnosed with bpd. Mostly because he had this know it all personality, with no degree in psychology. But he acted like he knew I  had bpd, and it just confirmed that he was right and he bragged about it to me. For me that rubbed me the wrong way, and what made it worst was the fact that I felt really shitty finding out I had bpd. I wasn't glad. I wasn't like oh this is great I have answers. I was kind of like oh okay. I have this thing. Than to have my ex start telling me I'm not hard wired and I can fix my bpd, and he would bring up his Aspberger's any chance he could get to compare about how i'm not suffering like he is. And my bpd can be fixed compared to his aspbergers and I should just be more mindful, and I should be working on getting better more. While ignoring how crumbing it felt and how odd I felt having bpd.

He also had issues with all of my friends and he would tell me he is just speaking the honest truth and if you speak honestly about someone and it sounds bad, it means that they aren't a great person and they aren't trying. So ever single friend I had issues with. Julie my friend he said was to flighty and wanted to find relationships too much, and should have taken breaks. and she is just to relationship greedy and seems to be scared of being alone . Umi had issues she wasn't 'looking after' herself, and when she came over to eat, she ate to much even though she was recovering from an eating disorder. and he asked me to tell her not to eat so much, and it made me crumble inside because I've had ed before, and being told to stop eating is hurtful. It makes it feel like recovery isn't meant for you.  My friend Gayle wasted her money so much. ect. Everyone had problems, and I felt like ever single time I made a friend there was something wrong with them, and he couldn't see them as a good person. he saw them for there flaws.  So this made me feel guilty and like I couldn't find good friends.  So I felt isolated.

I started to find doctors and find help and he told me I shouldn't need too, and I should start sharing my problems with him. When I would do that, like talking about my sexual abuse with my mother, he would bring up his parents and how his mom spanked him and how he hates his mom and why can't I just hate my mother and dump her from my mind like he can. He would basically ignore the sexual trauma and how ptsd works.  Which once again made me feel broken. Why can't I dump my abuser from my mind like someone with Aspberger can. I mean after all they are hard wired, why the fuck can't I?

With my money he didn't want me to spend it, so when I would spend it, it would be in secret.  The one time I spent money was with my friend Umi I bought us a large fry from mc Donald's for us to share before we went back home. We were out pretty late and we both where getting hungry. so we eat, and finally went back home, and when she told my ex I bought her and myself fries he freaked out at me. My friend at the time felt bad and she told me she wouldn't tell him anymore if we brought something to munch because he was intense when he got mad.

He also would hit the wall or bag his head against the wall when he was mad. He said he did it to calm down, but because of my trauma. I took it more as an act of aggressive and I would take it as aggression ever single time. More so because he would start to get loud and angry than he would bang his head or smack the wall when he was making a point.. So for me it never seemed as a way to cope with overloading emotions. It seemed more like a way to be emotional and aggressive.  And I talked to my psychology about it and they said that's a sign of abuse, and to be careful because it starts with themselves and it could move to me being abused.

When we broke up, one of the things that he did was control the only bathroom in the house that had a shower. It was the main bathroom that was also attached to his room. BUT it had two doors. One in the hall way for anyone to enter and one from his room. When we broke up he locked the door to the hall way and started to control the shower.  He asked online on a website and people said it was okay. So he had justification about it. and when I was need a shower I'd have to go on skype and than wait 20 to 30 minutes to take a shower. Mattering if he was in the middle of playing a game with his friends or not. for me this was upsetting because I get anxiety and one of the things that calms my anxiety is water. I remember talking to my doctor about it, and they told me it was fine for me to want a shower and he can't control it. But it didn't matter to him.  He counts the fact that there was one day that I was really not okay, I was emotional and I really needed a shower so when he came to the door after me knocking to tell me to knock it off, I entered the bathroom quickly and he ran into his bedroom and I shut the door behind him and showered. I remember fighting with him and he would always threatened to call the police on me, or say I was gas lighting him.

The time I stayed there I had so many times the police were threatened that I felt like if they came finally I might be able to talk to someone who has logical sense and explain to them I just want a fucking shower, and someone who is logical and isn't on the internet needs to knock some sense into him.

and before anyone asks, I was paying rent, even the month I moved out I paid for rent. I paid for rent for may, and moved out may 3rd. The day I told him I was moving out, may 2nd my ex said he was kicking me out and he was calling the police and getting me find with breaking and entering and trespassing because I was in my own room. I told him to do it.

I was done.

Nothing happened.

The next day I had my room packed up and my friend came over to help me move, the move went well, and than when I got to my new place, my ex sent me a threatening text message, line play message, facebook message, and skype message. Of the same threat, he told me he was calling the police for me trespassing, breaking and entering, and stealing. What did I steal? The key, the key I own for a month.

After that day he posted something on fetlife, his abuse story, and he said he was anxiety, and he suffered so much. I never once threatened him. I never once said I was going to call the police. The most I said was hey I'm going to a women's shelter, and then found a place to move into. thats all.  I vented to friends about how I felt. I felt helpless.

 I was called a slut by him because I got a spanking by a fellow from fetlife because I needed one for my stress.  He went on my accounts and read what I said to people, he copy and pasted what I said to people to then add to my letter of him kicking me out, and tried to convince my friends not to be friends with me. He tried to make me alone. and he did that even with fetlife offering to give my name out and warn people of me.

I had so much angry. I was trying to move on, I was trying to let us be friends. Yes, I vented. Yes I told people about the stupid shit he was doing because I needed to tell someone. I thought my conversations were private.

 I held back on my angry, I held back on making his life fucking shitty. I used ever ounce of energy I had not to flip shit at him. and yes, with everything I went though I feel like him calling me his abuser was a slap in the face.

I find it sickening that this guy calls himself a dom. I find it sickening he is looking for a slave. He can't even take care of himself. how is he suppose to look after another human being?

True crime

I think one of the reasons why people like reading and watching true crime is you can still feel safe even when you are faced with a monster of society you arent at risk. I personal watch true crime out of curiosity, but I listen more than watch. And I don't like when they try and show what happened. That feels to personal for me. And more so if rape is a big bit I skip over because I feel like the term describes its self well and it doesn't need to be shown.

I also find true crime Interesting because it shows more of the process police go though which can be summed up in a hour.

Kinky journal

I've started to journal my kinky stuff. I really wanted to start writing while being someone's sub. And now that I am, I'm able to start writing. I haven't wrote much. Just a little bit here and there. I just find it might be a bit odd to detail some things on here.  Which is why I bought my journal. So far its worked out well. I showed it to my boyfriend and he says he likes it. He also wants to give me some writing tasks. Which makes me excited.

Also my play party is tonight. So yay. I'm going to bring my journal to write about my experience. It'll be my first time being paddled. n-n

Collar

These are my two collars I bought myself. They both are special 

Days 38 -41

day 38: thoughts on your generation

I think my generation is okay. I think people in that grew up in the 90's are going to have a good life, I think we didn't live around technology as much. We still had it, but it didn't revolve around our life so I think we did get the skills we need. I also grew up in a small town so I might not know what other people grew up with. but I know I spent most of my childhood outside playing with friends or exploring by myself, going on bike rids ect. So I did get life skills.

However I do wonder how kids in this generation are coping more with school and I know a lot of now adults my age deal with a lot of mental illness. I feel like that is a really big cause from spanking and I also tend to feel really concern as to what the next generations are going to be like.


day 39: why you think you’ve learned more from the good or the bad

I think I learnt from the good or bad quickly mostly because bad things would hurt. Like poking angry cats and getting swatted as by a angry cat. that was a bad thing. Good things use to make me feel special and I also liked being told I was good, or I did a good thing. I noticed I'd get praised when I was good, meanwhile when I was bad it was just cussing and swearing and screaming and hitting if I did something bad or dumb. So I think I learnt good from bad quickly.

day 40: what are features you get complimented on a lot

My eyes get the most complimented. they are blue and I get told they are pretty really often from people. :) I like them.


day 41: write a letter to yourself stating all the things you love about yourself


Dear Sae:

you have lovely eyes,

pretty lips,

lovely skin, (even when there is bumps)


you have long fingers, and pretty hands,


you have lovely legs and lovely curves.


These are the things that make you really beautiful and you shouldn't ignore them! Because they are lovely and I know I love them about me!

- Sae


*finally I'm caught up!*

Day 28- 37

Day 28: something you makes you really angry

I think being cut off while speaking really makes me angry. Well more frustrated compared to angry.


Day 29: a date you’d love for someone to take you on

A night time date of staring up at the stars together. n-n that would be a perfect one. Oh and have home made baked cookies and some kind of warm drink, and blankets to be warm. that would be a perfect date.


Day 30: 5 favorite girls names, 5 favorite boys names

Girls:

1. ...
2. Savannah 
3. Lily 
4. I don't know 
5. ...

Guys:

1. ?
2. Colden 
3. ?
4. ?
5. ?

Day 31: a bit about your social life outside of tumblr

I'm a student, I do photography. I also read and do crafts too. I'm a really quiet social person, I like being around people but I don't like speaking.

Day 32: whether you’d rather marry someone who’s rich but ugly, or poor but attractive

Could I maybe married someone I'm attracted to and ignore the fact that they come with money? I don't really ask people for there finical info.

Day 33: someone who really hurt you

my mom.

Day 34: your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate


"You are like a magician who can rise out of the ordinary and reach the heights of the extraordinary. Great scholars and learners have been born under the cusp sun sign of Scorpio-Sagittarius.

You have a spiritual bend of mind and love to explore the world around you armed with knowledge and learning. You never believe in anything unless you have a full proof and this investigative trait in you is backed by your determination to probe and the strong sense of intuition.

Your philosophical and exploratory nature makes you live life king size.
Health – This year your health will not pose any problem in your lust to explore the ways of life. However, it would be best not to challenge it with an undisciplined lifestyle or too much pressure in your mind. A healthy diet and an exercise or yoga regime will keep you up and about all through the year. For your spiritual side, meditation may be the right companion.

Career – You are never tired of learning and this agility of mind never lets you lose track of what is currently required to stay in business in the present times. Also you have unparalleled dedication and perseverance that makes you keep trying on a project when all others have stamped it as a failed venture. Those in academics and legal profession will do exceedingly well this year. However, you should learn to let go at times.

Family – If you want to maintain peace and harmony in your family this year you have to learn to keep your tongue and temper firmly under control. Your sense of sarcasm may not appeal to everyone’s sense of humor and being over critical has never helped anyone especially in the realms of relationships. Your family may sometimes feel that you are trying to dictate their life in your own terms too. Let loose of your socialite side and maintain easy camaraderie with your family or else you may be misunderstood.

Romance – You are flirtatious and playful, but also possessive and jealous. You have a charming personality that attracts people like magnet, but only the ones with a strong sense of humor and in-depth intellect will be able to fold the for in your company. You are strongly amorous and passionate in your love life weaving a magic that no one else will be able to match. Your confidence and fun-loving nature makes it a nice experience just being around you.

Finances – You have to be extra cautious about your finances since you have the tendency to jump into action at the slightest pretext before giving it much thought. Adventure is fine, but implementing it in your financial decisions may not always turn out to be fruitful. On the other hand you are blessed with a sixth sense that is deeply rooted in your soul. If you want to gain financially, make use of your instincts. However, a little advice from someone experienced now and then will not hurt either."

I think it suits me. :)

Day 35: words you live by, why do you like them


I really like the positive ones, like do on to others as you do on to you. Or something like that. I also really like the self care ones because its important to be healthy and positive and keep that mind set going. especially being someone who can be super depressed and negative.

But here are a couple I found that I like:

“Everyday is another chance to do something great.”

― Emma Paul

“Be as fierce as a lion. Let the world hear you roar.”

― Amaka Imani Nkosazana, Heart Crush

“I know exactly who I am, what I'm about and who I will become.”

― Emma Paul

Day 36: what you think about your friends


I like them.. I like who they are and I like there personalities. I have friends who are different, each of them are different in there own way. But I think they would all get along well. If they all met in person. but yeah, I really like my friends and each of them are special.

Day 37: who are you
I'm a 24 year old women who is bisexual, kinky and likes being smart. I'm trying to figure out life as I go also, and I'm also still figuring myself out. I know i'm a wiccan and a witch, I'm an anime fan, I love baking and cooking, I also love anime. I have interests and passions and I have things I believe in and things I don't believe in. I also have my eating habits and my happy smiles.


n-n so thats who I am.

Grad gone wrong ~

I'm going to my first in a long time play party thing. The last one I went to was about years ago. It was fun for that one, but this is going to be at a new venue for me. the theme is grad gone wrong themed. So I bought myself a really old dress. I felt like something that was less modern would be fun.  I did want to get something really frilly and girly, but I saw this red one and I was like oh my god. Yis please.

I'm not sure if it suits for 'prom gone wrong' but it really suits my body type and it looks cute on me. I know it would look better if I had long hair because I would be able to toss it up in a bun, but my short hair is okay too. 

I also like the little frilly bits on my hips because it makes me think of a mermaid. 

but yeah, this is my outfit for prom gone wrong. I think its cute. I'm also going to get a spanking and this dress is really tight so it'll hug my butt really well when i'm not getting a spanking. but its really cute and I think it suits. I just wanted to share. I'm so excited for this! It will happen next weekend.

Days 24-27

Day 24: your favorite 10 people right now and why
My three roommates. - The people I live with that are super sweet people
My doctors - also helps with my mental health
My case worker - he helps me with my mental health
Sam - >3> he is always there to listen
My friend whos name starts with an R - he is one of my friends that live outside of canada that I find really important to me.
Nessy - My best friend.
Chris - My boyfriend. n-n
My teacher - She is understanding of my limitations
?
?


Day 25: a friend you have lost that you’re better off without/one you wish you had back

One of my friends I'm better off with was someone who I felt really impulsive around. I guess for the sake of my mental health and my income it helps that we aren't friends. They are a really sweet person. Its just there spending habit was brushing off onto me and I was coping them. Which wasn't good.

Day 26: 5 things you’re looking forward to
School to be over. I love school but I'm excited for it to be done so I can say I did another class and passed.
hanging out with my boyfriend.
having enough money to go to vancouver
having my friends coming out to see me
going to vancouver.




Day 27: a person you wished lived closer and why

Probably my best friend Vanessa would be nice to have live closer to me. I miss her a lot, and I feel like if she lived closer I would be able to hang out with her and probably have sleepovers and have a local person who is really supportive.

First Mori Kei meetup

So I had my first mori kei meetup! I don't know how to organize meetups so I kinda made a facebook and let us all plan a place to met up at and eat before wondering around downtown. It was fun though. I liked it. I ended up being the oldest, and I also was pretty quiet. I think I spent most of my time thinking about what we can do for mori kei. I think some of the meetups I have planned might be a bit pricey. But I did come up with a list.

Oh and this is what I ate during my meetup! It was so yummy.

We started off with tea because it was raining out and being horrible, but when it cleared up and the sun came out, we went to the local petting zoo and crept on the animals. I'm so happy because I haven't seen the goats in awhile and it was so nice to see them. The baby goats are the sweetest. they also are super soft too. I love them.