Family

So I decided to cut ties with my family. On all sides. There has been so much pressure I think after the years that my mom is a horrible person and my dad couldn't help the bad things he did because she'd threaten to take us away. I started to realize and figure out that its an excuse and he could have did more. He could have taken us away, and he could have not did the things he did. Just because Bonnie threatened him doesn't mean he needed to do the things he did. He could have easily said no and left it.

I also thought about more of the abuse, the animal abuse, the kid abuse. My mom wasn't the only hurtful person, and my dad has always used the excuse that he couldn't help it because of Bonnie.

My siblings use excuses like they were just 'kids' and they didn't know any better.

Because telling a person with an eating disorder to stop, because it'll upset another sister and she'll stop eating too. Being told I'm ugly and annoying and I can't do any of these things, and you better stop before I scream and get dad to beat you is total fucking normal. And totally a kid fucking thing.

I hate them.

I hate my mother, and I don't want to talk to her. But I can't make excuses for the shit my dad did, and I can't make excuses for the problems my siblings caused me. I wasn't allowed to be me, I'd get beat for singing. And my little sister that would scream and have fits about it, now she says that embarrasses her now, she doesn't want me to talk about it. Yet the abuse has hurt me and still effects me.

I've also been told I can't blog and deal with my problems. I can't talk about my sexual abuse because it upsets the 'children' and I get told I'm being selfish. I talk about my sexual abuse and it upsets them.  I get told it never happened. I get told by my gay brother that it is a lie, because he is gay and he has a gay raider and he could tell if Bonnie was gay. ignoring and being utterly ignorant to sexual abuse and it has nothing to do with sexuality. But what do I know, he is the gay brother.

He also was alive during the total time I was born, even though he is 16. but yeah he knows everything.

Ignorance.

My siblings complain because its not fair to them. Because its their mom too. So I'm suppose to keep my trauma bottled up and let it kill me. Because its not fair to them for me to express it.

I cut myself and I appearlty do that all the time, and I always tell my father. I told him once and he wasn't supportive so I gave up on telling him. I cut and I keep it a secret. I just rip apart my skin quietly and speak nothing. Because if I do cut myself, I'm just saying it for attention and I'm just rubbing it in there face. And I'm just trying to hurt my dad.

He couldn't even talk to me about it, he allowed my siblings to talk to me about it and get mad at me. And tell me dad had 'panic' attacks and he was so deeply hurt and everyone tried to make me feel like shit. Because me expressing myself isn't normal. Me wanting support isn't normal. Dear god Sarah, stop being selfish. Don't you realize you are the fucking oldest and everyone, even the parents expect you never to fuck up or have negative feelings.

All Normal.

To be honest, I want a real family. One I can talk to about my problems and they can talk to me like I'm an adult. Ones that can be supportive. Not make stuff about them.

Not selfish and like me me me.
Wah Wah wah
Why can't something that is about you, be about me.

Or scream
"Fake" "Lies" "Made up"

I'm dealing with my problems, I'm writing them out.  This helps me.

Being told I can't use my space, so I'm an idiot
Being told I can't be upset, is messed up.
Being told I'm the oldest so I need to get the fuck over it is ridicules.
Being told "Well family friends will stop talking to dad and us" is just utter bull shit.