Recovery Inspiration

Recovery is possible. It just takes time and each day is a step. Never stop trying to recovery and never give up. I'm one week now clean of no self harm. So congrats to me. I'm going to keep going with this stage of recovery. I felt so bad because I slipped up. 

I also thought I should make this post because its important to keep being inspired to get better. 

cololring.

I wanted to share my coloring I did! It came out really great, and I'm glad with how it is. I started it at the hospital and I just finished it today. Its of two deer. (A male and a female) standing in a filed of flowers. I really like coloring, and I find it really relaxing to color and get lost in the pictures I'm coloring. I also have another page to do which is of tree frogs. 

Mental Health

I think when people put mental healthy as an issues that is caused by per and utter boredom, it speaks millions of words of the persons understanding of mental health. I think it speaks volumes about the education we have of mental health.  I think it also speaks about the lack of understanding and the lack of empathy we have. I think a lot of people do lack empathy and more people still relies on sympathy. Like Oh I've been thought that so I know. The thing people need to remember is mental health isn't caused by boredom.

People can have a job and be mentally ill, people can have no job being mentally ill. People can be self employed and mental ill, someone could be working for the government in a high up job and have mental illness. Someone who volunteers might have mental illness. Seriously mental illness is one of those things that doesn't care about the walk of life people come from. Its a illness. Its real.

I don't like when people invalidate mental illness as a laziness. It shows the person has no real care to listen and look at research.

Grounding to remember

I wanted to post the three kinds of grounding I do know of! I should also practice it more!

 1.) First one is... Place your hand (Doesn't matter which one) On your tummy. Take big breathes in, your hand should move when you inhale and exhale. Make your tummy fill up with the air and than push out all of the air with your mouth. In with your nose out with your mouth.

 2.) Second one I learnt is... feel the weight of your body. Relax and feel your bottom on the chair or couch your sitting on. Your legs and there weight, how if your standing or sitting the still have weight to them, and your back, if your lying feel the weight down onto the bed.

 3.) The last one I learnt is... Just name the things around you in the room your in. And if your outside the stuff around you. So like if your at a bus stop. It would be 'bus stop sign, trees, cars, house, bush, dog, bird..' You can say it out loud or in your head. Just naming stuff sometimes takes your mind off of the thing thats making your anxiety say hello.

updated

I wanted to write up a post of stuff thats been going on in my life. I've had a rough week,  I've dealt with a lot of stress and I sadly feel back onto an old behavior I had. Which isn't good.

I ended up breaking my long run of not self harming earlier this week, I ended up hurting myself because I had broke up with my boyfriend and I felt really over whelmed and not real. So I hurt myself to see if I was real. So I've been looking after the areas and I've been using poly spore to make sure everything heals and I don't get infections.

In my group for people with bpd, I ended up asking if people knew any way to deal with disassociation and self harm. I got some really good ideas and I got a lot of good feed back and people seem to have been understanding and I didn't feel like I was being judged. Which was good, and I'm glad I was able to share because I just really want help.

For mental health reasons my boyfriend and I broke up. (I broke up with him) and I've been feeling odd from that. Odd in the sense of feeling empty and not really sure what to do about the emptiness. I guess for me its just hard to break up with someone for mental health reasons and having no real issues with the person.  I still really care about him, the issues is just my mental health.

So I've spent today going on shopping and picking up the little odds and ends I need to make my room feel more like a room. I ended up getting myself an alarm clock and a few other things. I also was able to get myself a set of bedding. Its great and the color is pretty and I really like it. I haven't put it on my bed yet. Mostly because my bed is up against the wall right now.

I still need to make room in this room. I'm not sure what we are going to do about the closet. I guess I can help him figure out the walk in closet we have. I know I'm going to take pictures of my room when I'm done setting it all up.

anyways I feel better writing out everything.

Thoughts

My disorders aren't me.
My hobbies are me,
My interests are me,
My inspirations to keep going are me.

I feel like my disorders at most paint a picture of my negative side of me. The part that has gone through pain, trauma. Events that can not be taken back. Those are the parts that define me. And I think everyone has events that define them.

Like, here is an idea. You are a kid and you are tossing a ball at a tree, a bee's nest falls from the tree, and bees come out and are angry at you. So you run away trying to not be stung by bees. And you don't. You get inside at the nick of time, but that event will shape you. You probably won't be tossing a ball at a tree anytime soon. You might also feel a bit jumpy around bees. That's normal, that's an event that your brain has remembered and you have shaped yourself around it. That's not bad. Everyone has this happen. We store events, we keep them. We keep them so we don't redo them. So we don't injury yourself again.  That's why they define you. They don't mean your a horrid person because you upset bees. Just like my trauma's don't mean I'm a bad person I went though so much.

But for me, my personality has developed its self around events after more events. I feel like my body, my mind, my brain. Never really had time to be able to breath between bad things. That's why I have a personality disorder and other mental illnesses. They are just protection that's been added to me.

So yes, my mental illnesses are there, and they helped me become the person I am today. I feel like in a way, they are like a supporting branch, and all the others things about me, they branch off of there, trying to find their way to the sun.

For me its really tough, and at the same time it frustrates me because I try really hard not use my disorders to describe me. Like if I was asked to describe myself, I would reflect on it. Yes, probably a lot of negative qualities and things I do know about me that aren't that great would most likely mount in my brain first.  Like my shyness, my anxiety, my depression, I can get really emotional and feel like everything in my life is falling from me...

But If I give myself a few more minutes, I can brain storm a list of things I am that sound like me. Like I'm strong, and I'm an independent person. I like reading, and I'm pretty smart. I'm opening to learning and I am pretty in touch with my emotions.

Its just, its hard.

I'm me, I'm not my disorders.
I'm me.

Mental Health Update

 I  fee l  like I'm going to just break up my mental health into small point groups. I want to talk about my mental health a bit.

BPD support group : My support group was good yesterday. Its my second time going and I'm starting to feel a bit better with going. I think when my friend moves away, I'll  be able to keep going by myself.  I feel pretty good to know I'm okay with sharing. It surprised me that I was able to speak a  bit. I do like the checking in we do. For me its really hard  I guess  to think of what to talk about.  I never can think about topics.

Self care: I feel like my self care is a bit better. I'm not picking at my face as much, and I'm trying to get into eating more, and waking up so I'm not sleeping all day. Today I colored when I was feeling down. I feel like if I keep that up, I'll start to pick it up as a habit again. I 'm  going to  start doing my work books more and see if they help at all. I know I want to work on my mindfulness stuff.

I also am getting into a program that'll help me with stuff. Its a place for people with mental illness, but its a place thats trying to give people a spot to heal.

There is stuff like a book club, yoga, swimming, eating habits, Mindfulness.. ect. Stuff like that.

The program is also going to help me with CBT Skills which I need to get back into. I also want to get back into contact with the sexual assault center out here.  I also want to start working on my bpd, but I feel like I gotta work on each piece slowly.

Having multiple mental illnesses and trying to take care of all of them is really hard.

Medical: I'm starting a new medication for some new symptoms that are coming up. I've only taken it once so I can't say too much about it.  I'm also getting an ECG done soon.

First BPD group Meeting

I went to my first BPD meeting on Wednesday for support. I liked it, I felt kinda at peace at a meeting with people who either have bpd, or people who have someone they love very much who has bpd.

When I first was going I felt really stressed. A part of me really didn't want to go, but a different part of me really wanted to. I've been struggling with my BPD and I also feel really odd and alone out there with it. I mean I have a friend who has BPD, and I know there are online communities, but it still makes me feel alone.

So it made me feel really stressed out, and different. Its also really hard when going to school.

It just sucks to feel really alone. Especially in this world. Like my boyfriend understands from the logical view of googling and reading things. But from an inside presentation he doesn't get it. So I guess thats the real reason why I sought out a group. I need to feel like my struggles aren't something I go alone with. 

The group seemed to be really nice, There was also a lot of people. Which isn't normal, or at least thats what the group coordinator said. So maybe this up coming week will be less people. In the group we just talk about challenges we face. Like this week there was a lot of financially talk.

I was quiet for most of the group, I spoke a few times, but I felt really odd because everyone looked at me, and it was hard to focus on looking passed people looking at me. I just tried to keep eye contact with the person I was speaking too, and really hard on not paying attention to anyone else.

But yeah, I really like this group. Also during the end for break, There was a table, that had so many handouts for bpd, I feel like there was about 30 different types of hand outs. I grabbed a bunch. So now I have things to read about. I might end up 3 hole punching them and then putting them into a do-o-tang thing. I have to buy a do-o-tang. Thank goodness for the dollar store.

But I'm really thankful for this ground. I feel less alone.

Skipping

Skipping or jump rope, What ever you want to call it. I find it fun. I remember one of the reasons on why I liked skipping is it made me feel really girly. Mostly because my hair would bounce. A few years ago I bought myself a skip rope to start working out.

I did skipping back when I was in middle school and younger, I also use to do jump rope for heart, well I used to. So I enjoyed skipping.

So I've been thinking I should get back into doing something active. My case worker for mental health was also telling me that working out is really good for helping mend depression because when you work out, it lets out endorphin's. Skippinig is also good for your heart.
I'm kind of scared of people staring at me in public but I think I could start skipping at the park. I'm not sure when I'll start. But I might start soon.

BPD group

So I found a bpd group in my area. Its ran by peers and its also a support group. I've never really been to a support group before so I'm not really sure what to expect.  Well I expect that people are going to be nice, and are going to look 'normal.' But I just don't know what its going to be like? Like what are people going to talk about, not going to talk about. Stuff like that. I know that they don't do the medical stuff a doctor would do. (like give you meds to say you have bpd.)

 But it'll be nice to even just be around people who also deal with BPD, and to feel like I'm not alone. And also so I don't feel like a freak or like a super sensitive person.

I showed the pamflet to my worker also, and he said its a good idea to go. So I'll be going next Wednesday at 7.

I feel kinda excited. Right now at least. I know the day of, I'll feel really anxious and nerves.

Self Diagnosing

As someone with mental illness I find it really problematic and really dangerous when I hear that people are self diagnosing themselves with mental illness or even personality disorders. It really scares me because I feel like some people just push themselves to the most trendy mental illness and it feels like people than don't understand the process of being diagnosed with a mental illness, or a personality disorder.

What also scares me is when someone clings to a disorder and then they start to act out other traits of that disorder to try and show they have it more. The negative behaviors, or symptoms. This scares me personally because I think people are so fixed in trying to feel comfortable with being in a mental disorder group that they do anything to be apart of it. I also notice this as really dangerous too, because even if you do have depression, if you partake in the depression behaviors you can also make it worst. Like if you know you get depressed so you seek out more depressed people to feel accepted and all they do is talk about killing themselves, hurting themselves or putting up negative thoughts all the time, its not going to help that person recover or it might also push them into a less safe spot with their depression.

 I think there is a difference between being self aware and diagnosing yourself with a mental illness. Being mindful and self aware is totally fine, if your noticing problems or your noticing things that aren't right with your body and mind thats fine.  I think its important to keep those things in mind, just don't plug them into google and attach yourself to what google gives you. I think its also important to than talk to friends or family about it to see what they say. But also ulitmately listen to yourself. (Because not everyone is supportive with mental illness or a personality disorder..) and seek professional medical help if you think you need it. especially if its a mental illness that can be treated with meds, because it'll help take down some of the symptoms while you work on skills.

Another problem I notice with it, with depression for example, if you think you have it, and you google it and google says yeah you do. It might make it harder for that person to seek out help, there are loads of sites with information and its so much info at once that it can over load you, Not to mention blogs, and other sites that they have different opinions and there is also different types of depression... and its just, its so much.  Its also really hard because there are terms like Major depression, seasonal depression, and manic depression. Which all sounds like different levels of "depression." But they aren't. Clinical doesn't mean "server" and seasonal doesn't mean "moderate".

A lot of mental illnesses are defeating, and I remember when I was diagnosed I was asked how I felt about finding out I had my mental illnesses or finding out I have my personality disorder and how does that make me feel? And honestly it made me feel a little bit defeated and a little bit broken. I also felt like it made me weak, even though I thought I was strong going through everything I've gone through, it felt like the diagnoses were saying I was weak. And I think thats also just the way I saw mental illnesses a lot. I never really saw it as something that happens because of trauma. I saw them more as a sign of weakness. I guess thats also just because of the only form of info I had on mental illness was the "emo" movement/fashion.

So sometimes I don't think people are really mentally prepared. Also knowing how the media has portrayed a lot of mental illnesses it might not make people feel comfortable with knowing what they have.  Especially stuff like depression, or anxiety, ect. I mean I think a lot of people grow up with the idea of media taking a hold of mental illnesses and saying "Oh well that person is just an attention seeker" Or "That person is just crazy". I mean how many mental illnesses have we heard about on the media that has been true? None. Its this person is crazy, that person just wants to be skinny, that person is just sick and twist. Also with how media portrays mental illnesses its almost always given to someone who is a problem character. We don't tend to see good characters with mental illness, or personality disorder. Its always the disliked character.

My biggest problem with self diagnosing is sometimes people get really fine with the idea that they have something, I also notice sometimes people go for the biggest forms of the disorder. Compared to have depression, people might be like oh well I have manic depression and they tell people, but they never speak to a professional, which is also really scary when you think about how many people pass away due to their mental illness and commit suicide.

I do think that people who are noticing problems with there mental health should always seek help, and I think its important to be self aware and seek out help, but I just really find it scary when people self diagnose and than don't seek help.

Day one of tumblr hiatus for mental health.

I’m going to try and keep track of how I’m doing with my tumblr free time. I’m no longer going to be on tumblr. I’m going to stay off for the rest of this month until the 1^st of oct, and then from there after I have my appointment, and I see where everything has fallen, and just my feelings I may either just stay off of it completely and delete it or go back.

Today I do feel slightly impulse-y and I want to check up on the website and I want to see if my name is still being tossed around, it’s my obsessive side wanting to know what’s being said, who said it, and just check notes to see who else said what and why. Who are they ect.  So yes, looking at myself and knowing that is my feelings, and knowing my stomach is turning in knots with the idea that people could be talking about me. It does make me feel like I really do need a break.

So far its been difficult with not going on tumblr, but its going to get easier.