Thoughts

My disorders aren't me.
My hobbies are me,
My interests are me,
My inspirations to keep going are me.

I feel like my disorders at most paint a picture of my negative side of me. The part that has gone through pain, trauma. Events that can not be taken back. Those are the parts that define me. And I think everyone has events that define them.

Like, here is an idea. You are a kid and you are tossing a ball at a tree, a bee's nest falls from the tree, and bees come out and are angry at you. So you run away trying to not be stung by bees. And you don't. You get inside at the nick of time, but that event will shape you. You probably won't be tossing a ball at a tree anytime soon. You might also feel a bit jumpy around bees. That's normal, that's an event that your brain has remembered and you have shaped yourself around it. That's not bad. Everyone has this happen. We store events, we keep them. We keep them so we don't redo them. So we don't injury yourself again.  That's why they define you. They don't mean your a horrid person because you upset bees. Just like my trauma's don't mean I'm a bad person I went though so much.

But for me, my personality has developed its self around events after more events. I feel like my body, my mind, my brain. Never really had time to be able to breath between bad things. That's why I have a personality disorder and other mental illnesses. They are just protection that's been added to me.

So yes, my mental illnesses are there, and they helped me become the person I am today. I feel like in a way, they are like a supporting branch, and all the others things about me, they branch off of there, trying to find their way to the sun.

For me its really tough, and at the same time it frustrates me because I try really hard not use my disorders to describe me. Like if I was asked to describe myself, I would reflect on it. Yes, probably a lot of negative qualities and things I do know about me that aren't that great would most likely mount in my brain first.  Like my shyness, my anxiety, my depression, I can get really emotional and feel like everything in my life is falling from me...

But If I give myself a few more minutes, I can brain storm a list of things I am that sound like me. Like I'm strong, and I'm an independent person. I like reading, and I'm pretty smart. I'm opening to learning and I am pretty in touch with my emotions.

Its just, its hard.

I'm me, I'm not my disorders.
I'm me.