30 day BPD - Day 8-9

Day 8: What is one of your biggest strengths? 

I think for me my biggest strengths is my ability and wanting to keep growing and becoming better. I think thats really important with recovery, the forever willingness to fight, and even when stuff goes wrong to turn around and re-group and find a new path to recovery I feel is really important and it'll be important for most of my life.

I also feel like the ability to keep wanting to grow and become better is important for other aspects of my life too, like being a good person, or even just my personal goals.

Day 9: Do you have other illnesses going on for you more then just bpd? Please share.

So I have:
BPD
C-PTSD
Clinical depression
Generalized anxiety
Social anxiety
Social phobia
OCD-ish traits. (More so the skin picking but its written down as 'ocd')
psychosis otherwise unspecified

... I also have a couple other health problems and I want to find out whats going on in with my bowels. I'm wondering if I have ibs- or something worst.

Inhaler project

So I got to do my first project in awhile. I've slowly becoming more creative again. And it feels great. One of the projects did recently was making my own essential oils inhalers. The idea of it would be the smell of the oils is soothing.  I did have to do some research first to find ones that would be okay for me. Luckily there are a lot of websites that let you know about what is not safe or risky to use. So I stayed clear of them.

So I went to a local super market. (Whole foods) and I picked up 2 different blends or oils. Plus also a small bottle of orange essential oil. (It smells so good!)  I also picked up some small lip chap bottles for 70 cents each from a local bath and beauty DIY store. I also went to the dollar store and bought some cotton strips I could chop up and use. I already had the Washi tape hanging around, so I used that to color code each bottle. So I could know which one was which.

.

So this is my supplies all together.  Aside from the scissors I used to cut up the cotton with. I will say this was a more expensive DIY project. But I know I'll use the oils more when I need to re-fill my two little tubs.  

And these are just the two pictures of the bottles of mixed oils I bought and what they are for. They both smell really good! 

Each bottle has there own couple of drops of the oil in them.  I did a couple of drops for each on the piece of cotton I placed in the 'inhalers'. The smell is really nice too. I've been using them for a couple of days and each time I open them, the smell is really refreshing.

I'm really happy with my project. I will change this around once I order the real inhalers. But for now it works well. It'll also help with my anxieties cause it'll give me something pleasant and happy to focus on.

30 Days of bpd - Day 6-7

Day 6: What does identity issues look like for you?

My identity I think and feel like its getting a bit stronger. I try a couple of different things to really figure out who I am. I try and make goals and revisit them in a couple of months to see how do I feel about those same goals. So like I'll create bucket lists. I'll post them here. I'll re-read them later and sometimes I remove items because they were something another partner or friend at the time wanted to do and I was just coping. Or it was an impulsive thing I wanted to do and later on I explored it and decided nawh. Like the christian piercing I no longer want. And thankfully never got.

I also keep track of my interests/hobbies and ideas on pinterest. I like different fashions for example. I like gothic fashions, I like Japanese fashions like lolita, mori and larmn kei, I also like boho fashion. So I have boards for that. I also create boards for my other possible hobbies and interests. I also delete those boards if they no longer apply to me, or peak my interest. One of the other plus sides to using something like pinterest is I feel like its pretty private. On tumblr I always worried about seeming perfect or having that right aesthetic look. 

Also on good days I try and write out good aspects of myself, or list things that I can say make me "me". Like yeah I worry. So that might go down. And maybe that secretly is a plus. Cause you know if you matter to me, you'll always have me wanting to make sure your safe! Although thing I can list is I really like animals. I love them, and I would do anything for animals. Sea animals, birds, land animals. I love them all deeply. And I think that shows a big part of my personality. 

Often when I'm in crisis that is when the feelings of "I don't know who I am" or "I don't know what I want" "I feel fake" come to play.

I do also know as someone with bpd. I often copy others. So if someone starts to talk a way, I might copy that. If someone starts to dress away. I'll copy that. I'll also try and copy music tastes etc. And I find that really hard. It gets a lot worst when I find a FP, cause I often imprint and copy them. Luckily I haven't dealt with that for awhile.

I also know one of my other biggest issues currently is I don't know what I want to be, or what I want to become. Which is why I've stayed away from school. I do know I have a couple ideas. But I'm scared they might not be my own. So I've been just talking about them a bit more and trying to explore them.

Day 7: What are five of your biggest fears?
Mine are:

• Heights. 
• Drowning - I have a really bad somewhat irrational fear of drowning. I'm glad now I have a life jacket for swimming. It just helps me feel safe.
• Having people I really care about disappearing on me. 
• Having my guinea pigs pass away on me, at the same time and feeling extremely alone. (They help me not commit suicide. So they are really important.) 
• Having my mom or anyone else who was abusive towards me and find me.

I do have more. But these are the top ones I can think of right now. I know I also have fears of gaining weight, growing old and becoming bed bound and unable to move. Etc.

30 days of BPD- Day 5

Day 5: If you were having an episode, what would you want your loved ones to do for you?

For me, I tend to need space. I get really introverted and I can get really claustrophobia when I'm triggered, so I really do best with no contact physically with anyone for awhile. Sometimes I do want to be held, or hugged, but I get so overwhelmed with the touching behavior that I can't have it. But there are times where a short hug does help. I also like to communicate love or feelings. I find that really helpful.  Because it lets me know even if something bad is happening someone still does love me.

Even though sometimes I feel like its not true. (yay being irrational!)

However I do like it when my loved ones ask me questions like "Is there anything you need right now Sae?" And it can give me a second to even think about my basic needs. Like "Have I drank water? Maybe I need water." Then I ask for water. Or "Have I ate food today? Should I maybe have soup?" and then I can ask for something like soup. (even if its just broth.) I like open ended questions because they give me the chance to think of what I want or need. Its also nice because it lets me know the person cares, They just aren't pushing there own thoughts of what I need onto me.

One of the other things I find really helpful is when my partner checks in on me. Like in an hour he might come to the room in the house i'm in to see how i'm doing. - Sometimes I am napping, other times I'm to the point where I'm starting to calm down and feel more like I'm willing to explain or talk about why I'm upset. But its really important for it to be within the set time I was told.

Otherwise I start to worry. Maybe they left, maybe they don't care. Maybe they said that just to get rid of me. and a new tail spin of worry happens. and often my anxiety starts to freak out.

30 Days of BPD 3-4

Day 3: What has been the most important skill you have used, when dealing with your bpd?

Some of my most important skills I've used when dealing with my bpd is distress tolerance skills and self soothing skills. So things like grounding. For example the 5-4-3-2-1 skill. Some of the other things I might do is figuring out ways to comfort myself. Like bathes, maybe I need to distract myself so I might watch a movie or show that I know can bring up happy memories. (Pipi long stocking, or anne of green gables are my two fav comfort shows. But basically anything from my childhood!) Allowing myself to have some time of being sad, or unhappy. Because thats important to allow myself to feel these things! I also will use fact check - its one of my favorite skills and its one I remember really well. So I use that one a lot. I'm also learning dear man a bit more. I also find it useful to self validate when needed. (Although this is really hard)

Day 4: Do you identify with the term quiet borderline? Why or why not?

I do Identify with the term quiet borderline. I feel like it describes how I react with my triggers, my trauma and the way I deal with my emotional side. I can be emotional reactive, but Its more so inside. I'm always worried about hurting someones feelings, or upsetting people. I worry about offending others so when I feel hurt I'm less likely to tell the person who hurt me. I also often judge myself, go over things 1000 times a day. And I also will feel like I can't have boundaries because they are selfish. Or my feelings because they are selfish and rude. - But yes. I do identify with the term quiet borderline. I think it explains me well.

30 Days of BPD Day 1 -2

I created a 30 day challenge for people who suffer from bpd. Its more for quiet borderlines. So there is at least one question that has to do with that. I wanted to share my thoughts here too cause I thought it might be nice and I haven't done a 30 day challenge in awhile. So I'll be posting day 1 and 2 right now. I'll do day 3 tomorrow. (Its technically tomorrow, but I haven't slept yet)


Day 1 : What does therapy mean to you? 

Therapy for me means a lot of things. It means finally being able to sit down and feel comfortable talking to someone who is interested in helping me. It also means finding someone who can validate who I am and my experiences. It also means I'm finding someone who wants me to do good. and wants the best for me without having some commitment like 'dating me'. Therapy also for me means admitting mistakes or asking for help when I feel lost, upset and unsure of whats really going on. It also means that I can sit somewhere's and talk about my problems while also being able to be with someone who can catch me when I'm in the moment of 'unwellness' and take a second and check in with me. Or even help me with mindfulness, or grounding. Therapy for me means life, and the enjoyment of life.


Day 2: How did you feel when you were first diagnosed with bpd? And how do you feel about it now?

When I was first diagnosed with the disorder I was pretty upset. Although I didn't let the doctor know - as I tend to worry others might get upset. Or he might ask me "WHY DID YOU EVER ASK IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA KNOW!" <- Lol. So I never told him I was upset.


I also felt really uncomfortable with myself, ashamed, and really kinda lonely. Mostly because I didn't know anyone with the disorder at the time. and the only place I saw it was tumblr, and I also had a bf at the time who was pretty dismissive of my diagnoses and was more interested in patting himself on the back and was more into his arm chair tumblr style of psychiatry. Regardless of that, and that relationship which I'm tiring of detailing. After I broke up with him and decided I was done grieving and I was going to put on my research hat. So I did.

I started to go to a group that had my peers (Or a bit older) with the disorder I started to feel less alone. Like I could see people who had bpd. They seems normal. They also described a lot of the same problems I had, which removed a lot of the stigma and shame of "Yup I'm the only one!" or "Yup I'm a loser!" but more of a "Ah. I'm not alone" or "Wow. It almost sounds like they are talking about me." which really helped me get more comfortable with even poking the bear known as books and I started to read and learn more. Books about borderline, books about mindfulness, books about DBT. Books about this, books about that. And it really started to stick.

One of the other things I really held on to, even back when I was diagnosed was my doc told me I have bpd because of my childhood and its trauma. The abandonment piece of going to shelters with my mom after my dad and her would break up. (She'd break up with him. Only to get back with him months later) but I would have periods in my life where I didn't have a dad. And there was also periods in my life where my mom was super neglectful, or just abusive. (Emotional, physical, and sexual...) And even when they were together a big chuck of my life my dad was out working for the family. And my mom stayed at home. My dad only really started to stay home after I was 14 and he got in his car crash.

But I really feel like a lot of the tough stuff I went though really did did break up who I am more into sections and I deal with the problems now. I also do really like, even looking back today. That my doc explained it to me as a form of "PTSD". I think that might have been the kindest way I've heard bpd be put as. And I think its really true too. (In my case at least)


Now days I feel really comfortable with the term borderline. I think it explains me pretty well. at least when it talks about symptoms and how that can be displayed. I'm also happy I've been learning slowly about DBT. Cause I feel like that is going to be my biggest fighting chance of getting better.

Self Soothing items I want to buy

One of the things I really like having on hand for me is my self soothing kit. I like having things on hand that I know can help me with my anxiety and grounding. I also know I'm a super tactile person. And recently I've been looking to add maybe two more items to my self soothing kit.  I really like fidget-y toys. Cause when I'm stressed out or uncomfortable I tend to fidget more.

So a couple months back I saw a cube I really wanted. but at the time I didn't buy because it was 20 bucks. I've been looking online to see if I can find it for cheap, and sure enough aliexpress has the very toy I'm looking for, for super cheap!

So thats it. It comes in a couple of others. I like pinkies and purples so most likely this'll be the color I order. I really like it because it has a lot of things to do on it. Which I feel might be nicer then a fidget spinner cause those things have one purpose and thats spinning them. LOL. But this has a lot of different things to fiddly with.  I also know my bf who has ADHD seemed to like it too. (Although he really liked this one that clicked and looked like a small controller) but yeah. I will be buying one of these things this month or next. Cause I think it'll help a lot. 

The second item I really want to get is called Natural oil inhalers.  It kinda looks like a little pen you can put in your pocket or bag. And it just has a bit of essential oil in it. It looks really cool. I'm hoping it'll work. I need to look into it more. But I do know essential oils themselves work for me. And I already carry a small bottle around. So this would just make sure it stays in a easier to get to spot.

Thats what they look like. Kinda like vape pens almost.   But you put the oil in a thin bottle, and then you put a bit of cotton in so it soaks up the oil, and then you put the bit of cotton in these pens. So when you open the pen you smell the oil. 

I also found this interesting. My next part to this task is to figure out a good spot to get a hold of a couple of bottles of oils that aren't going to cost me an arm and a leg. Cause most of the time the bottles are 14-20 bucks each.

. . .

So yesterday I talked to my case worker. We talked about a couple of things, basically my bpd and my psychosis. Cause I've been diagnosed with both. And he had suggest I probably should start trying to do about 20 hours a week of activities. But like scheduled ones.

I need help brain storming some. I think its more pleasureful activities he is wanting me to do. (So not 'well I spend so many hours a week looking after my piggies!!' lol. Although I will say I feel happy cleaning and looking after my babies! they popcorn when there cage gets clean and other things. Its like 'yes! fresh hay! I'm happy' - 'Mom you cleaned up my poopies! I'm so happy! ' )

Like I know once a week for me I go to my support group for bpd. That is a 1 and a half hours.

When it was the summer I went swimming 2 times a week. I attempted to do cross stitching. (I still wanna do it, but I haven't had time.)

I need to brain storm ideas and maybe work on a schedule. I also am thinking I might make a little check box thing so I can actually check off that I did them.

Update

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in while on here. I've been really quiet lately.  My last post was back in July.  I've been busy since than.  Although I wasn't really busy with super cool important things. Like getting some cool job somewheres or something else like that. I've been pretty busy. So I thought I would do an update.

My piggy girls are doing well. Leda and Rosie are pretty happy in there cage. They are also enjoying there cuddle time. I was also able to keep them cool during the summer, and I'm so glad I was able to do that. The summer was a huge worry for me, once the heat hit. I was extremely worried my babies could get heat stroke and die. But they didn't and I did a good job keeping them hydrated. They got a lot of cucumber days and a lot of days of cool dark places to hid. I look up and got some ideas of how to keep there cage cool. Plus we also have an air coordinator.

(This is Rose hiding. XD I see your little paw baby girl.) 

There both doing really well, and now its fall, so days are getting shorter and also cooler which means a lot of there cooling down stuff isn't needed to be done.  Oh they also got to do a sleep over at someones house when I was away. That was pretty exciting for them.

For the mental health side I've went out swimming a lot at sooke potholes. I think we went twice a week most of the summer. It was really nice. I love the water. I also like if you swim upstream a little you can always get away from people. Which is really nice.

 One of the other nice things about this is I was able to go out and do actives. Which is really important when fighting mental illness. I'm trying to isolate myself less because when I isolate I make myself a lot worst. Also when I isolate I often just sleep, which means my body isn't making the chemicals it needs to be happy. And I'm also than not doing physical activity. So for me its really important. More so with the goal of wanting to recovery from mental illness.

I also had a really nice camping trip this summer too. I got to jump into glaicer water and I got to go to parksville again. I also got to make smores, drink some booze. and I got to relax. Which I think is the most important part. I was really nervous about camping cause I tend to find it stressful. But I found it pretty enjoyable.

Also one of my friends from Alberta came to see me, I felt pretty happy about that. We went to the gardens out here too.  It was really nice, and I'm so happy I got to see her. I haven't seen her since I was 19. So thats like 5 years now? =) It was just nice to spend time with someone who is really kind.

What else... Oh I went on my first trip to Vancouver by myself. I didn't see anyone, but I did get to go around van by myself. I went to daiso and a couple of places I know really well. I also got to go to hot topic for the first time- which was pretty exciting.   I went to the mall too that was close to the ferry station.

(x)

I know a lot of people view impulsive behavior as buying things. Like things you don't need. I know I can get like that.

But does anyone ever get the really bad urges to pull out all of your teeth?

Pull out all of your hair? Pull off your finger nails?

Or just do something to your body to shock a lot of people.

Its so freakin’ annoying that I sometimes get in these moods and my brain is like ‘YOU KNOW THIS WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD IDEA! THIS WOULD BE SO COOL’ and I’m like… I feel like this is something I really should say no to.

Would this even be classified as a bpd behavior?

What about my skin picking. Its more of a If I don’t do it X will happen. So I do it. But at the same time… the pain is really nice too. Unless I bruise myself. then its not so nice. But the pulling out my teeth urges and the wanting to rip off full finger nails like from the nail bed seem to kind of really scare me. These don't feel like normal wants. I also hate these feelings too cause sometimes my stomach wants to just twist up inside. I also know sometimes I feel like this cause I feel like I can't have nice things.

I also have been told by a lot of people before I have nice long nails or good nail beds so a lot of it I think is self sabotage but i'm not sure.

Quote

"Victoriously proclamation my total innocence and discarding any shame or secrecy from what was done to me.
I proudly reclaim my tenderest love for my scared body
My control over my full sexuality
my unconditional love for myself and others.
my full trust in myself and my ability to know when to rely on others.
my connection with other people and everywhere and my complete power and visibly as a women.
with unlimited choice and impact in the world. "

{/}

One of the things that happens when you get diagnosed with a disorder is you figure out what can trigger or cause your illness to act up. If you are diagnosed with a mental disability you know how important this is. It helps you became aware of your issues and it helps you focus and work on them. But one of the things to really keep in mind is your disorder isn't you.  This is something I've struggled with for over a year now.

Bad days will come and you might feel like you are the walking, talking, disorder you are diagnosed with. But thats not true. You aren't. When good days come, and the light comes up, you notice feelings you haven't had in awhile. Feelings, interests hobbies start to come back up.

The mentally ill community puts a lot of focus on us being sick. Even in the community we aren't people. We are walking talking illnesses. We are BPD, We are depression, we are anxiety, we are OCD, we are these disorders.

Often I hear people use disorders as a part of there identity, its apart of who they are. Its like you meet someone and they say "I'm Sarah, I like anime, sea animals and I'm depression." When you think about that. People don't shake hands with those and say
"Welcome aboard, My name is ___ and I'll be your caption for the sailing today. And I have a heart murmur."

Our identifies are always going to change. What we hold on to in the long run is what matters the most. Our identities are shape most of our lives. As a young adult I have freedoms to change mine now by checking out other religions, beliefs, things I put on and in my body. And so on.

And the fact is, its always going to shift. We pick up interests and hobbies and we drop things that weren't really something that interesting.  We become interested in topics and others drop from our scope of interest.  Think of it this way, we pick up books we think might be interesting. We sometimes don't finish them.  Sometimes they suck, the pacing isn't right. Story telling isn't there. Something with that book and you don't click. We put them back.  Donate. Other books we love and we will re-read and re-read. We will suggest them to other people.

When I see people see themselves as the light of "BPD" Or the light of "Depression" I notice a lot of who they are dies. We become empty shells of illness. In ways we self sabotage. We watch those with the same disorders and we watch how they crumble. And as we watch them from the rumble, we copy. We fall over, we put our own explosive in us and we light them and watch them go off.

Interests? Hobbies? Those go down the drain when the illness takes hold. When people get diagnosed sometimes there full being just drops.

I spent a time 'searching' for who I was. Who I am is who I've always been. I've been me.

I'm Sarah.
I like the ocean.
I like Anime.
I like Japanese fashion.
I love cats and video games.
I like laughing.

I'm not..
BPD
I'm not...
Depression.
I'm not...
Anxieties.
I'm not...
PTSD
..
..
ect.

I have those issues.

I have lots of issues.

But, when labeling them, when getting diagnosed. Take it from me. Getting lost isn't worth it. Maybe you learn a thing or two, but you could learn those same values most likely if you just try and look at stuff from the outside.

Money

One of the things I struggle with is spending my money. Sometimes I don't want to spend any of it and I get really worried about spending my money on items like even food. Sometimes I can't bare to spend a dollar at the dollar store on something I want.  I get a lot of shame.

Other times I'm the total opposite and I wanna spend money on everything. Food, books and other shiny objects that catch my eye.  During these times I don't deal with shame. I also get driven a lot by my happy mood.

While spending money can be fun, and I do feel really excited and happy when I buy something new and I like showing it off. I have also noticed when I get that 'high' feeling, I tend to want to keep going. Its like, "oh my gosh, I bought this one thing I want, now I need to find more stuff I want to keep this happy mood going! YAY HAPPY"

Putting myself in check I think has really helped me out making sure I don't over spend. Some of the stages I've learnt are from self discipline or even just asking other people.  "What do you do?" 

Here are the things I've found the most useful:

When wanting to buy something, strictly only go in to by that one thing. - If I'm going in to buy a book, go in and buy that book. Do not go in, grab the book I want, then wonder around being like "whao look at all these other super cool books. I better grab em all."  

Take pictures of objects I want to buy - This one might sound super silly. But when I window shop, I sometimes bring my phone with me and I'll take pictures of something I want. I'll then go home, research or see if I do in fact want that object later.

Take out a small total of money and then put the card away-  This does help a lot. I'll go to the bank and withdraw the money I want to spend then I put my card away. Maybe I'll put it behind my ID, just so its out of sight out of mind. Than I have the cash on hand and its easier to spend that way.  

Research - Much like taking a picture of an object. I've dealt with buying objects I feel like I might really like. But I take it home and I'm like "naw I don't like this." I've done this with books. So I've gotten into the habit now of going online and reading about what product has caught my eye and whats it about? and I get a lot of my questions answered. 

Fact Check!

This is probably one of my favorite skills I've learnt so far and I feel like its really effective when I get irrational, and I feel like I know everything. Or I feel like my world is going to crash in on me. I get really overwhelmed sometimes when I deal with feelings and thoughts and situations. 

So this is calling Check the Facts, or checking the facts. Its a really useful tool. It also lets you remember that you don't know everything about whats going on. It helps me cause I really can catastrophize everything. 

=) This is one of my favorite skills and its helped me with emotional situations. 

I languge

After taking my class I took on psychology and doing my local bpd support group one of the things I've really taken to heart is trying to use I language compared to advice language or saying 'you' or suggesting ideas to people. I feel like it helps a lot more for me to speak this way cause I really don't know what those people should do.  I also realize it can be kind of invalidating cause sometimes people also hear so many suggests for ideas and sometimes its better just to have someone say 'I've dealt with something similar.'

 I also feel happier doing it because I'm speaking from my own experience then opinions I might have on subjects that might  not be right or even true.  Unless the topic is super researched and I have science behind me. But most of the time when I talk to people Its not about science, theory or so on. Most of the time its about things that have happened to me, or experiences I've had.

I also feel like its still a bit of a struggle to speak from I, and me. I feel like a lot of the time I still want to give advice, so its a struggle. But I feel like I'm doing a lot better.

my books

These are my self care books. I wanted to share cause this is what I mostly buy myself currently as treats is books about my illnesses. Some of them are work books, and others are just meant to be read. I mostly have books on trauma but I also am growing a bit of a bpd book collect too.

I really love my collection.

Gratitiude journal

I really love the idea of keeping a gratitude journal. I think its really important to keep a journal to list things that you are grateful for. They also have really good benefits  Such as:

1. Lower stress levels.
2. Feel calm at night.
3. Gain a new perspective of what is important to you and what you truly appreciate in your life.
4. By noting what you are grateful for, you will gain clarity on what you want to have more of in your life, and what you can cut from you life.
5. Helps you focus on what really matters.
6. Keeping a gratitude journal helps you learn more about yourself and become more self-aware.
7. Your gratitude journal is a safe zone for your eyes only, so you can write anything you feel without judgment.
8. On days when you feel blue, read back through your gratitude journal to readjust your attitude and remember that you have great people and things in your life.

I've seen a couple of different styles to do a journal.

I've also seen some gratitude challenges online and I think its really great. I might do a couple of writing prompts on here, but I really like the idea of doing a real journal. I also found a couple of other things I want to write on here! =)

I think i'm going to start my gratitude journal. It'll also help me focus on the good. Which will help my depression and maybe even my bpd.

Gem stones for my group

Yesterday I went to mineral world which is by an aquarium out here. I went with my boyfriend and his daughter. We looked at a bunch of gem stones. (There was so many!) we also went to a little area which has mineral pebbles and you get to fill up a bag with what ever stones you like.

So I filled up a bag with two of my favorite stones. Rose Quartz and Tigers Eye.  I'm going to bring them to my bpd group on Wednesday to give out to people. =) I really hope people do love them.

I also am going to keep the remaining ones and put them with the rest of my rocks. <3 I utterly love tigers eye!

Take Care

I feel like its taken me years to really understand this, and to really understand the meaning behind taking care of ones needs. I'm someone who people pleases and I really feel like If I can't, then i'm not a good person.

But one of the things I've been learning, and I hear time and time again is look after yourself. I read this in self help books, I hear this in groups, I hear this from doctors. I hear this on the internet, and in videos about mental health. I hear it all the time. Take care of yourself. You come first.

But I've never been one to really apply it. Take it to heart, and hold it there. Listen for sounds and signs that I'm not taking care of myself. Because at the end of the day, who I am doesn't matter. Its who I please. Its who I make happy. Because without them, I'm no one. Right?

Nope, Wrong. 

I found this out this weekend.

You need to take care of yourself.

Because no one else is going to.

No one is going to know how you feel mentally.

Sure someone, and people can see when you are physically sick. when you are puking.

But your body also tells you way before everyone else sees you vomit that you aren't okay. 

Your head feels fuzzy, maybe you feel woozy. Those people don't know it. Unless you describe it. Those people don't know. Unless you say 'hey i'm feeling...'. Doctors don't even know whats wrong unless you tell them symptoms. But this is just that.

I need to learn to listen to my body better.  

I need to take care of me.

If I'm anxious, I need to take care of myself.

If I'm stressed I need to take care of myself.

If I'm depressed I need to take care of myself.

If I'm triggered I need to take care of myself.

The fact is, I'm on earth to take care of me. 

If you lived a long life and a happy, healthy life by taking care of people. Professionals, doctors, teachers, and so on. Wouldn't ever get sick.

Taking care of myself isn't selfish. 

Its not. 

Its not rude either.  

Law and Order SVU

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One of the shows that has helped me with my healing from my sexual assault is law and order SVU.  A lot of the time when Benson is talking to female victims and validates them and fights for them, I feel like shes talking to me as a victim. What I went though made me feel really gross and like what happened to me was my fault and I`m to blame.  I still feel like this sometimes. But when she talks to victims, it makes me feel better.

I know they don`t do mother on daughter crime in the show. (Or at least I don`t think so, I haven`t seen it) but thank you SVU for validating the feelings of a victim.