30 Days of bpd - Day 6-7

Day 6: What does identity issues look like for you?

My identity I think and feel like its getting a bit stronger. I try a couple of different things to really figure out who I am. I try and make goals and revisit them in a couple of months to see how do I feel about those same goals. So like I'll create bucket lists. I'll post them here. I'll re-read them later and sometimes I remove items because they were something another partner or friend at the time wanted to do and I was just coping. Or it was an impulsive thing I wanted to do and later on I explored it and decided nawh. Like the christian piercing I no longer want. And thankfully never got.

I also keep track of my interests/hobbies and ideas on pinterest. I like different fashions for example. I like gothic fashions, I like Japanese fashions like lolita, mori and larmn kei, I also like boho fashion. So I have boards for that. I also create boards for my other possible hobbies and interests. I also delete those boards if they no longer apply to me, or peak my interest. One of the other plus sides to using something like pinterest is I feel like its pretty private. On tumblr I always worried about seeming perfect or having that right aesthetic look. 

Also on good days I try and write out good aspects of myself, or list things that I can say make me "me". Like yeah I worry. So that might go down. And maybe that secretly is a plus. Cause you know if you matter to me, you'll always have me wanting to make sure your safe! Although thing I can list is I really like animals. I love them, and I would do anything for animals. Sea animals, birds, land animals. I love them all deeply. And I think that shows a big part of my personality. 

Often when I'm in crisis that is when the feelings of "I don't know who I am" or "I don't know what I want" "I feel fake" come to play.

I do also know as someone with bpd. I often copy others. So if someone starts to talk a way, I might copy that. If someone starts to dress away. I'll copy that. I'll also try and copy music tastes etc. And I find that really hard. It gets a lot worst when I find a FP, cause I often imprint and copy them. Luckily I haven't dealt with that for awhile.

I also know one of my other biggest issues currently is I don't know what I want to be, or what I want to become. Which is why I've stayed away from school. I do know I have a couple ideas. But I'm scared they might not be my own. So I've been just talking about them a bit more and trying to explore them.

Day 7: What are five of your biggest fears?
Mine are:

• Heights. 
• Drowning - I have a really bad somewhat irrational fear of drowning. I'm glad now I have a life jacket for swimming. It just helps me feel safe.
• Having people I really care about disappearing on me. 
• Having my guinea pigs pass away on me, at the same time and feeling extremely alone. (They help me not commit suicide. So they are really important.) 
• Having my mom or anyone else who was abusive towards me and find me.

I do have more. But these are the top ones I can think of right now. I know I also have fears of gaining weight, growing old and becoming bed bound and unable to move. Etc.