Sexuality

So I recently came out as being Demisexual. I think its important for people to know and its also important for those I get into relationships to know about my sexuality. Mostly everyone I know understands I'm bi. But recently coming out as Demi has been a good and pleasant experience.  

Doll ideas

So one of the things I've really gotten into this year is collecting toys and also a bunch of toys. Not just one brand. The picture above is of art of a doll I got. Shes called Sis Swing and shes from the LOL collection. I got doubles of this girl. (They come in blind balls so you don't know whom your getting)

Because shes a double I want to customize this one and make it different. I'm thinking of giving her really cool purple hair with sparkles. I'm also trying to think of what outfit would be really cute to do.

These are my ideas so far: 

Purple skirt with a white top. (I might look at Larme Kei for ideas)

Maid outfit

Nurse outfit

My Calendar !

So I bought myself a new calendar for 2017. Its Sailor Moon!

Its really cute and I'm so happy it uses the old style of sailor moon art and not the Sailor Moon Crystal art. I'm so excited cause I get to flip it to January tomorrow! Sailor Moon is for January too. So ekk! I get to see her happy face ever day!

Quote

"Victoriously proclamation my total innocence and discarding any shame or secrecy from what was done to me.
I proudly reclaim my tenderest love for my scared body
My control over my full sexuality
my unconditional love for myself and others.
my full trust in myself and my ability to know when to rely on others.
my connection with other people and everywhere and my complete power and visibly as a women.
with unlimited choice and impact in the world. "

Favorite Song

This is one of my favorite songs of this year.

Its a really good song and I also love the video. It also is amazing to know that this anime art was created for this song and this video. I'm so use to listening to music and seeing anime AMV's so its nice to see this.

2016

Hi everyone;

I haven't posted on here in forever! Sorry about that everyone.

I wanted to do a end of the year post.  I like talking about my highlights and good things that have happened.  So without waiting any longer let me post about all of the super cool stuff that happened in 2016!

• 
  
• 
  
• Highlights of this year (2016):
• 
  
• I played my First MMO 
• Finished all of my English Courses. 
• I made my First Mori Kei group and did my first Mori kei meetup in Vic. 
• I wrote a bit of a Fan Fiction 
• I went on a beach cleanup! 
• Found a local group I can go to for BPD and I go pretty much ever week. 
• Made some new friends. 
• I got out of an abusive relationship. (*High fives self* GO YOU) 
• I went to my first Gala 
• I bought myself some fancy coloring pencils 
• I had my first hospital visit to the psycho area because of mental health reasons. Truthfully I'm glad I went there compared to hurting myself more. 
• I found a super cool house to live in thanks to a friend I felt safe for once in a very long time. 
• Was super active this summer. I went hiking all of the same, went out swimming a ton too. 
• Tried things I never done before. 
• I did some modeling 
• I bought my first Lush Products this year. 
• I saw some really good movies this year. 
• I went out to a pumpkin patch this year and also did some spooky things for Halloween 
• Dating a really cool man. I was also dating a really sweet girl for awhile but we broke up and fell out of touch. But its okay. =) 
• I bought my new fishy. He is my baby fish and I love him. 
• I started a youtube channel. 
• I had a really amazing 25th birthday 
• Got my teeth fixed and cleaned. 
• I also had a really good Christmas with my boyfriend, his daughter and also our friends came over for the days before Christmas and after to hangout. I really loved it. 

Coastal Christmas!

I'm re-falling in love with mermaid stuff again lately. And seeing as Christmas is around the corner I have found out a Christmas style I really like! Its called "Coastal Christmas". And it looks about as cool as can be. It also makes me think of what a mermaids land house would look like to celebrate Christmas.

Half of the decorations look like they could be home made. You could be super handy with a glue gun and make your own cute things.

Sea Shell Angels.  - A super cute idea. It also is really easy to pull off! 

Sea Glass Snow Ornaments - These are really cool.

Sand Ornaments. Really cute, you could also use cookie cutters to make sure you get the super 'perfect' shape. Plus you can make really any sea animal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Those are just a couple of ideas that you can make for your Coastal Christmas tree.   I really like the idea personally with making your own decorations.  I also have a huge heart and love for the ocean so I think these ideas are good.

Book

This is what I'm going to read for the Christmas season. Its called "A Discovery of witches" Its suppose to be really good. A couple months ago I bought The book of Life thinking it was a totally different book. But in fact its part tree to a series so I finally bought book one. It looks really good and I hope i love it. It has to do with witches. Which is one of my favorite topics with books.

I'm kind of also interested in reading something thats a bit light hearted and different.

I also bought some yummy candies.

Butterfly capes

I saw these really lovely butterfly capes online and I really just wanted to post the few I really like. I really like butterflies.  My favorite cape has to be this purple one.

I like that its short and its really cute.  It would be so cute just to wear around town.  Not that I even really care about people staring at me. Seeing as I've also wore a spirit hood around town and most people just find it cute.

Also this is the shop it comes from: https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/CostureroReal?ref=l2-shop-info-name&section_id=15616856

{/}

One of the things that happens when you get diagnosed with a disorder is you figure out what can trigger or cause your illness to act up. If you are diagnosed with a mental disability you know how important this is. It helps you became aware of your issues and it helps you focus and work on them. But one of the things to really keep in mind is your disorder isn't you.  This is something I've struggled with for over a year now.

Bad days will come and you might feel like you are the walking, talking, disorder you are diagnosed with. But thats not true. You aren't. When good days come, and the light comes up, you notice feelings you haven't had in awhile. Feelings, interests hobbies start to come back up.

The mentally ill community puts a lot of focus on us being sick. Even in the community we aren't people. We are walking talking illnesses. We are BPD, We are depression, we are anxiety, we are OCD, we are these disorders.

Often I hear people use disorders as a part of there identity, its apart of who they are. Its like you meet someone and they say "I'm Sarah, I like anime, sea animals and I'm depression." When you think about that. People don't shake hands with those and say
"Welcome aboard, My name is ___ and I'll be your caption for the sailing today. And I have a heart murmur."

Our identifies are always going to change. What we hold on to in the long run is what matters the most. Our identities are shape most of our lives. As a young adult I have freedoms to change mine now by checking out other religions, beliefs, things I put on and in my body. And so on.

And the fact is, its always going to shift. We pick up interests and hobbies and we drop things that weren't really something that interesting.  We become interested in topics and others drop from our scope of interest.  Think of it this way, we pick up books we think might be interesting. We sometimes don't finish them.  Sometimes they suck, the pacing isn't right. Story telling isn't there. Something with that book and you don't click. We put them back.  Donate. Other books we love and we will re-read and re-read. We will suggest them to other people.

When I see people see themselves as the light of "BPD" Or the light of "Depression" I notice a lot of who they are dies. We become empty shells of illness. In ways we self sabotage. We watch those with the same disorders and we watch how they crumble. And as we watch them from the rumble, we copy. We fall over, we put our own explosive in us and we light them and watch them go off.

Interests? Hobbies? Those go down the drain when the illness takes hold. When people get diagnosed sometimes there full being just drops.

I spent a time 'searching' for who I was. Who I am is who I've always been. I've been me.

I'm Sarah.
I like the ocean.
I like Anime.
I like Japanese fashion.
I love cats and video games.
I like laughing.

I'm not..
BPD
I'm not...
Depression.
I'm not...
Anxieties.
I'm not...
PTSD
..
..
ect.

I have those issues.

I have lots of issues.

But, when labeling them, when getting diagnosed. Take it from me. Getting lost isn't worth it. Maybe you learn a thing or two, but you could learn those same values most likely if you just try and look at stuff from the outside.

Birthday

My Birthday was on Tuesday, and now I'm officially 25.  I'm feeling happy and grateful that I was able to celebrate my birthday with someone I care about and love. Thats one of the happiest things I can ask for.

I had a really great birthday, I got a gift from my friend Dan, it was super cue bunnies. I also took the shrink wrap off of the tarot cards.  I'm going to start flipping through the book I got with them.  Also I went out to the movies with my boyfriend that day too! We watched Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

I've seen almost all of the Harry Potter movies on my birthday. I think she had one that came out in summer one year, but I've seen the rest on my birthday.

I really like Queenie.

Like, I really like her. Her character is so cute.

I really hope she can be explained more. Cause shes one of my favs. I also really loved the creatures in the movie too. I can't wait for more of this world to be explained. 

BTWs for anyone who wants to watch it: There is mother son abuse. I don't want to spoil the story but one of the characters in the story is really abusive to her kids. 

Bye BoS!

I recently lost my Book of Shadows because I had it saved to my computer. Although I feel really sad about this loss, at the same time I don't really mind.  I feel like my Book Of Shadows before was way more focused on the Wiccan beliefs, and I've strayed away from the wiccan belief system a bit. I'm much more a sea witch now and I'm more focused on sea witchery, and kind of stuff compared to just plan old wicca.

I  am going to be re-writing my BoS but this time I want to try and do some stuff differently. I do want to keep it in my binder, but I also want to change things up a bit. I also feel like I'm more motivate this time to stick with it. While as before I did it for awhile and I'd stop, and I get back into it again for awhile, and then I'd stop.

I feel like even just focusing on something like the sea is going to help me a lot more even with mental illnesses blaring away like a fog horn.

But yeah. The loss sucks, but thats okay. Stuff happens.

Crab Sexing!

"Crab Sexing" Or checking the sex of a crab.

I wanted to make a post about checking the sex of a crab.  I only learnt about this maybe two years ago.  And I thought it was really neat.  I always thought maybe you could tell by what size a crab was or something. But nope. The way you can tell a male and female apart is so easy!

So what you do is you flip the crab over onto his or hers back. And you want to look at the tummy area.

So when you flip them, you should see some kind of pattern on their tummies. This pattern will tell you if they are a boy crab or a girl crab.

(See picture below)

Male crabs are going to have the long kind of light house or triangle shape. While females are always going to have wide shape tummy.    Thats also all you do to sex a crab.   

Money

One of the things I struggle with is spending my money. Sometimes I don't want to spend any of it and I get really worried about spending my money on items like even food. Sometimes I can't bare to spend a dollar at the dollar store on something I want.  I get a lot of shame.

Other times I'm the total opposite and I wanna spend money on everything. Food, books and other shiny objects that catch my eye.  During these times I don't deal with shame. I also get driven a lot by my happy mood.

While spending money can be fun, and I do feel really excited and happy when I buy something new and I like showing it off. I have also noticed when I get that 'high' feeling, I tend to want to keep going. Its like, "oh my gosh, I bought this one thing I want, now I need to find more stuff I want to keep this happy mood going! YAY HAPPY"

Putting myself in check I think has really helped me out making sure I don't over spend. Some of the stages I've learnt are from self discipline or even just asking other people.  "What do you do?" 

Here are the things I've found the most useful:

When wanting to buy something, strictly only go in to by that one thing. - If I'm going in to buy a book, go in and buy that book. Do not go in, grab the book I want, then wonder around being like "whao look at all these other super cool books. I better grab em all."  

Take pictures of objects I want to buy - This one might sound super silly. But when I window shop, I sometimes bring my phone with me and I'll take pictures of something I want. I'll then go home, research or see if I do in fact want that object later.

Take out a small total of money and then put the card away-  This does help a lot. I'll go to the bank and withdraw the money I want to spend then I put my card away. Maybe I'll put it behind my ID, just so its out of sight out of mind. Than I have the cash on hand and its easier to spend that way.  

Research - Much like taking a picture of an object. I've dealt with buying objects I feel like I might really like. But I take it home and I'm like "naw I don't like this." I've done this with books. So I've gotten into the habit now of going online and reading about what product has caught my eye and whats it about? and I get a lot of my questions answered. 

Ocean

So today I went out to the book shop. I was on the hunt for a book about sea weed out here. Cause I'd like to be able to remember sea weeds a bit better. I feel like I forgot a lot even though I took marine biology and I thought it would just be really neat to have a guide of some kind with me. But I couldn't find any books on sea weed. I did however find two other books I really wanted. And they are about the ocean.

I'm excited to read both of these. 

Tools Of The Sea Witch

Shells ~
Gifts of the sea, they are used to represent the oceanic deities, Long, spiraled ones signify the Gods, while round shells symbolize the Goddesses. Cowries have been sued for centuries for the latter purpose. Many sea Witches and magicians place shells on their altars for this very reason when performing sea magic at home.

When spells are done by the sea shore, a protective circle can be marked out with a ring of shells. Shells are strung and worn to promote fertility, or to attract money, since they were once used as money.

Take a large univalve (one-piece) shell and hold it close to your ear. You will hear the voice of the sea. Let it speak to you. You may hear messages of the future or past; or the sound of the sea may still your mind for psychic messages to be received.

A special shell you find on the beach may be fashioned into a protective or lucky amulet. A shell placed at the entrance of the house ensures that luck will enter it. Conches or other very large univalves are blown at seaside rites to dispel negativity and to invite the Gods and good spirits to be present at rituals and spells.

Driftwood ~
Driftwood, infused with salt by the sea and dried by the sun on the beach, is the natural fuel for mystic bonfires, which often play a part in magic. Driftwood can also be used in spells. Take an appropriate piece, carve on it with a knife, and throw the driftwood into the sea, imploring it to grant your need. A smaller piece of driftwood can be adorned with protective symbols and worn as an amulet or talisman to attract or repel forces depending on your desires.

A wand can be made from a piece of driftwood; with this wand circles can be drawn on the sand in which magic can be performed. It can also be used to sketch runes into the sand.

Fishing Floats ~
Many years ago, floats, which are used to hold up fishing nets, were manufactured of glass, usually of a blue or green tint. The glass is thick and on the base of the ball is a slightly raised mass of glass, where the ball was sealed tightly during its manufacture. Most fishing floats today are plastic. If you do find a glass ball on the beach, you are extremely fortunate. If not, buy one in an antique or gift shop. Be sure the ball was actually used in the sea, as this charges and empowers it. Whether or not you find an old or new ball, take it to the sea at high tide. Dip it thrice into the water and say the following: “Orb of blue (or green) glass here I charge thee to be a psychic boon to me. When touched with salt your power’s free! This is my will, so mote it be.” Take the ball home, wrap in blue-green cloth, and store in a safe place. The fishing float may now be used as a crystal ball for scrying. Take it out, anoint its base with a dab of salt water, hold it in the cloth, and scry.

Holed Stones ~
If you find a stone with a hole piercing it through on the seashore, take it, for it is a valuable magical tool. the holed or holey stone (aka hag stone) is hung up in the home for protection, worn on a cord around the neck for the same purposes, and is used for many other magical purposes.

Take a holed stone, find a stick that fits tightly through the hole and lodge it firmly inside. Then throw it into the sea. Love will come to you.

To see the spirits of the sea, take the holed stone with you to the ocean at night, at high tide. Close one eye, facing the sea, and put the holed stone to the other. Look through the hole and you may see spirits.

For healing, place a holed stone into your bath water, and add salt. The holed stone is one of the most valuable tools of magic, and is a gift from the sea. Since it is a symbol of eternity and the female force of nature, it is not only a good luck piece and an effective magical tool, it is indeed sacred.

Seaweed ~
There are many magical uses of seaweed. For starters, it can be used in place of many herbs in spells.
Dry a small piece outdoors. When it is fully dry, hang it in the home and it will keep the structure safe from fire. Dried seaweed is also used for kindling the fires on the beach, and is hung as a weather indicator outside. When the seaweed is shriveled up, the weather will be sunny. However, when it swells and feels damp to the touch, chances are wet weather is to be expected.

A small piece of seaweed placed in a jar of whiskey, tightly capped and set in a sunny window, may attract money to your household. The bottle should be shaken everyday.

Fishing Net ~
Trapping evil influences. Draped over doorways and windows, fishing nets can act as a filter to capture harmful thoughts and intentions, and keep them from the living space.

They are also a convenient place to tie charms for timed spells, which is far better and safer than leaving a candle burning for the required number of days.

Sea Witch

Sea witches is a much different practice than regular witchcraft. They derive their practices from most Pagan belief and lore. A Sea witch is more than likely solitary and independent in practice. They embrace the elements of water and wind, also practicing moon magick as well. Why moon magick? Since they are Sea and water oriented they practice moon magick because it controls the tides of the seas.

As far as history is concerned the Sea witch liked to collect objects from the sea namely: Shells, oysters, sea glass, sand, driftwood, and sometime fish bones. They collected these objects to use in their spells and to make tools for their altars. Normally if you see a storm approaching you can bet that a Sea witch is running towards it to charge their tools. Their belief is that the strong energy of the storm charges their tools for the next spell, and the spells are normally cast and carried out at the shore for the mere purpose of being close to the sea to provide more energy and a greater effect in the spell.

Sea magick is considered to be grey magick. It is in between light and dark, this is because the intentions of the Sea witch are good and positive the majority of the time but what they control is a strong force of Mother Nature. Strong winds and storms as well as the tides. They are known for keeping the balance between good and bad magick for using chaos for positive effects and intentions.

Back during the peak of sea trade and sea exploration Sea witches were held in high regard. They were often called upon by Voyagers and Seafarers for a safe and protected journey. At the same time they did a lot of business with the witches. They bought cloth or handkerchiefs that the witches had magically tied in winds with three knots. The seamen would take these handkerchiefs with them on their journey and if they would find themselves stuck at sea with no wind they would use the handkerchief that they bought from the sea witches. Unraveling the first knot was said to give the a soft and gentle Southeast wind. Unraveling the second knot was said to bring a very strong Northern bound wind. The last and third knot was only unraveled in extreme situations for pulling it out was said to bring very violent winds, and gusts even storms.

The Sea witch is not as popular these days due to lack of demand for safe trips and worries of drifting with no wind. Overcrowded beaches also greatly contribute to this too. Sea witchery is not for everyone. A great level of inner peace and self restraint is need to deal and control with the forces of mother nature.

EK! I'm so happy

So I got to open up my birthday gift early this year. My birthday isn't until Nov 22nd.  But being me, I got to open up my gift early! I really adore and love the present I got. I also feel like this is going to kick up my interest again in the craft and re-interest me into researching and adding to my book of shadows. 

I also feel this over whelming feel of happiness and thankfulness. 

I was so amazed and glad when I got my gift.

He got me this Tarot deck! 

I've been wanting this deck for a long time now, I've wanted it since it came out. I feel like I might have saw it first in 2010 on peoples tumblr account being reblogged. And thats around the time I really fell in love with the deck. Its just so beautiful. 

There is something too about getting something you've waited such a long time for that really makes getting that item feel ten times more better.  But after we both carefully opened up the box and I moved the packing paper out of the way, I gave him such a huge hug. I hugged him so tightly.  I was like "oh my goodness. Thank you!" I also felt like my face was swelling up.  My heart was also pumping really fast with happiness.

I'm so glad this is my first Tarot deck. I'm going to treat it well.

Fact Check!

This is probably one of my favorite skills I've learnt so far and I feel like its really effective when I get irrational, and I feel like I know everything. Or I feel like my world is going to crash in on me. I get really overwhelmed sometimes when I deal with feelings and thoughts and situations. 

So this is calling Check the Facts, or checking the facts. Its a really useful tool. It also lets you remember that you don't know everything about whats going on. It helps me cause I really can catastrophize everything. 

=) This is one of my favorite skills and its helped me with emotional situations. 

I languge

After taking my class I took on psychology and doing my local bpd support group one of the things I've really taken to heart is trying to use I language compared to advice language or saying 'you' or suggesting ideas to people. I feel like it helps a lot more for me to speak this way cause I really don't know what those people should do.  I also realize it can be kind of invalidating cause sometimes people also hear so many suggests for ideas and sometimes its better just to have someone say 'I've dealt with something similar.'

 I also feel happier doing it because I'm speaking from my own experience then opinions I might have on subjects that might  not be right or even true.  Unless the topic is super researched and I have science behind me. But most of the time when I talk to people Its not about science, theory or so on. Most of the time its about things that have happened to me, or experiences I've had.

I also feel like its still a bit of a struggle to speak from I, and me. I feel like a lot of the time I still want to give advice, so its a struggle. But I feel like I'm doing a lot better.

What am I looking for?

Do you ever look up at the sky,

at the motionless ocean,

A woods of trees,

a crowd of people,

a bustling city and wonder to yourself.

"What am I looking for?" 

I feel like I spend a lot of my time looking,

seeking, searching. I feel like I could dig my hands

into the surrounding environment and pull up nothing.

Even when my hands are full of so much. My hands could be 

coated, covered, I could be wearing items. Jewels, silver, 

and I still feel so empty and lost. 

What am I looking for?

Who am I looking for?

What is it I'm seeking? 

I wish I knew.

my books

These are my self care books. I wanted to share cause this is what I mostly buy myself currently as treats is books about my illnesses. Some of them are work books, and others are just meant to be read. I mostly have books on trauma but I also am growing a bit of a bpd book collect too.

I really love my collection.

Pumpkins

I went out to the pumpkin patch with my boyfriend and his daughter this weekend. It was a lot of fun. There was a lot of mud, which I didn't really think about until we got there. but I didn't slip! OR fall on my face. I had fun. I really liked the pumpkin patch and it was interesting to go to! (I've never been to one before.)

I was surprise by the colors of the pumpkins.  I got a pale pink pumpkin and I got a small little wart pumpkin thing. 

I also found this while creeping the on pinterest for pumpkins and I thought it would be good to share.

I really wish I could have found some really small baby ones. Cause tiny little pumpkins are super cute. But its okay. 

Gratitiude journal

I really love the idea of keeping a gratitude journal. I think its really important to keep a journal to list things that you are grateful for. They also have really good benefits  Such as:

1. Lower stress levels.
2. Feel calm at night.
3. Gain a new perspective of what is important to you and what you truly appreciate in your life.
4. By noting what you are grateful for, you will gain clarity on what you want to have more of in your life, and what you can cut from you life.
5. Helps you focus on what really matters.
6. Keeping a gratitude journal helps you learn more about yourself and become more self-aware.
7. Your gratitude journal is a safe zone for your eyes only, so you can write anything you feel without judgment.
8. On days when you feel blue, read back through your gratitude journal to readjust your attitude and remember that you have great people and things in your life.

I've seen a couple of different styles to do a journal.

I've also seen some gratitude challenges online and I think its really great. I might do a couple of writing prompts on here, but I really like the idea of doing a real journal. I also found a couple of other things I want to write on here! =)

I think i'm going to start my gratitude journal. It'll also help me focus on the good. Which will help my depression and maybe even my bpd.

sleepover ghouls

These are the sleep over ghouls! I really want them. They are from the monster high minis.  I'm going to hopefully collect them all. I already have one. but I want all of them cause they are super cute!

They probably have the best sleep overs. I kinda really wish they came with small accessories.

Gem stones for my group

Yesterday I went to mineral world which is by an aquarium out here. I went with my boyfriend and his daughter. We looked at a bunch of gem stones. (There was so many!) we also went to a little area which has mineral pebbles and you get to fill up a bag with what ever stones you like.

So I filled up a bag with two of my favorite stones. Rose Quartz and Tigers Eye.  I'm going to bring them to my bpd group on Wednesday to give out to people. =) I really hope people do love them.

I also am going to keep the remaining ones and put them with the rest of my rocks. <3 I utterly love tigers eye!

Necklace

I'm buying this for my birthday from my friend Rebekka. (Also known as Bekkathyst on tumblr.) I really like the cauldron style and I think it would really suit mori kei a lot. I think it would suit dark mori kei more just because of the darker colors of metal and the theme is a bit darker.

A lot of mori kei jewelry tends to be with golds or lighter brass colors. But I think it would be cute to wear and own. I also really like the fact that it uses gem stones.

I can't wait for November to come so I can order this from my friend and help support her. <3 Plus it'll be nice to have another piece she has made.

Girl On The Train

So I saw the movie Girl On The Train with my boyfriend on Tuesday.  I know its based off of a book, but I also have read they changed some things from the book in the movie. I really did like it. It was really good and I liked how the set up.  The unveiling of a character starting off to seem as a bad guy to then be shown by the end that she wasn't. Was really good.

I do want to read the book just to compare the differences. But I thought it was really good.

It does have abuse and I know for some people its triggering. It was uncomfortable for me to see the gas lighting stuff. But I guess it was also nice to see that the character pushed past it and had true and normal anger figuring out she was being gas lighted and that she wasn't the abuser or crazy. But in fact it was her ex that did all of the bad stuff.

Brusies show he loves you

When you are kinky and when you are apart of the 'life style' you get told, and you hear, read and learn a lot that people say bruises show that your top loves you. That they are willing to hurt you for your 'own' good. 

There are tips on the web to make bruising worst, tips to make sure it hurts more. There is images and videos being shared of bruises, and more so you have submissive that show images and they say it shows that their top forgives them.  

Now we could always talk about and debate that safe words are in use, the word no always gets respected. But people don't sit in bedrooms, they don't sit in on play sessions. I've had really good public play and I've been respected.  And I'm not saying that safe play doesn't happen. I've had safe play.  But I've also had danger, I've been in not safe situations.  

And just thinking about the trauma and what it has done, and what it can do. How it impacts someone physically and how it can stay mentally.  I do sometimes wonder how far is too? 

Can we really tell who is safe? Who is sane? 

I lived with a guy, he was my "Dom", he always threatened to throw me out, he always threatened to call the police on me. He always would say he could toss my belongs out when I was at school. He also would hit me really hard and he would say I deserved it. Or he was 'teaching' me a lesson. He also took pictures of it sometimes, and he took videos of it happening. And who knows if he kept them or not. but I did say no, and I did use the safe word at the time. and he did tell me 'I didn't mean it'. and I ended up saying 'okay okay I didn't mean it' after being hit really hard with a cane.

So I have to say this. 

What is sane?
What is safety?

One of the things I have to point out for myself is I have been abused. I came from an abusive house hold. I moved to a city far away from my family and to be with an ex love. When we broke up I had no one, aside from that ex. 

Healing from abuse takes years. Sometimes victims can re-find that abuse over and over. I knew for me I thought It was okay. I've always been a fuck up. I've always done something wrong, I've always been hit. So whats the difference between a belt when I was a child, and a belt when I'm an adult? "consenting" is the only difference. But when you don't know love, when you've put yourself through fear. When you live a life with threats. is it really then consent?

 I use to be told bruises means he loves you. When I was younger I use to get told 'Mommy hits you because she loves you' 'because she wants you to be safe'.  When you say stuff like that to a person, over and over again. It becomes a sound track they start repeating. 

I don't believe violence should be apart of kink. I've realize a few times stuff like this still is carried with me. I'm healing from abuse.  

Sailor moon Swag

I've grown up watching sailor moon and I'm so glad that sailor moon was re-done because now as an adult I can buy sailor moon things. So I've been browsing online looking at sailor moon merchandises. I really like sailor moon and I really would like to get a couple of sailor moon things for my room. So I've been looking and I thought I would make a post of all the cute things I want!

1.) Sailor moon dress! 

http://www.hottopic.com/product/sailor-moon-locket-dress/10581616.html#q=hello%2Bkitty&start=1

I really want this dress, its really cute! I also like the peter pan collar!!

2.)  Sailor Jupiter Wand 

Sailor Jupiter is my favorite! 

3.)  Sailor Jupiter Apron. 

4.) Sailor Jupiter Dress

Shadow box

I collect a lot of things. One of the biggest things I do collect is stuff from the ocean. I love going to the beach and picking up things after big storms have blown by. It kicks up a lot of debar. And it also means that a lot of really interesting stuff comes to the surface and ends up on the beach.

Some of my favorite things to find is sea glass. But I've found so many other things that I get really excited and I like being able to show it off.

I don't take things from the beach unless they are dead. Even if they are barely living I let them live out the last bit of the natural life so I'll leave them. But here are some things I have found on the beach that have passed there natural lives.

I've found everything here at the beach aside from the bigger sand dollar and the purple sea urchin. Those both came from my ex's mom. She found them and ended up giving them to me. Everything else I've found on the beach ready for me to take.

I also tend to sun bleach these things. I do that by using sandwich bags I buy at the dollar store with a ziplock, After I've washed/rinsed off what is on them, sand or bits of sea weed. I will put them in a bag. I take all of the air out of the bag and then put a rock to hold the bag down and I let them sit on the deck and allow the sun to bleach them. :) It also makes sure they don't smell bad. I also tend to re-use the same bag over and over again. I'll rinse the bag out.

I also trash the bag if it starts to smell really bad. but yeah. It helps if you can pick up things that are already dead and already has the animal living inside of it gone. Like crab shells I don't pick up. However I do have some crab molted shells. :)

Baby Pumpkin

I love baby pumpkins. They are really cute! I want a couple!

I really want to go picking for my own though. I don't want to buy one at a grocery store. 

n-n I think I want either a white baby pumpkin or a small orange one.  They also are really cute! I really like pumpkins.

ThanksGiving

Thanksgiving is this weekend! 

I love thanksgiving and I've liked it since I was little. I've always liked this holiday because of really yummy food! I also really like to too cause the house smells so yummy, from apple pie and other things being baked and cooked.  

 I still like this holiday for the same reason. 

I'm excited because I get to spend this thanksgiving with my boyfriend and his friends  We are going to make Ham, Corn, Potatos, Carrots, Cranberry sauce, buns, apple crumble! I wanted to get a box of chocolate from rogars that would be yummy. But I didn't. 

Hat!

I really like my hat. Its cute! It has cat ears too. So now I can even be a cat when its winter!

I have a new baby!

So I bought myself a new baby. I really wanted a pet and I've been thinking of animals to buy. A cat? A hamster? A ferret? a turtle?  a crab?

Well I finally picked one! I got myself a super cute fish!  I talked to my partner and I told him I wanted to get a fishy friend.  My boyfriend said yes, (Not like no would stop me really...) So I went out that weekend and I bought what I needed for a fish.

I bought his tank, some fake plants, wood. ect. and he seems to be happy. I've had him for a week now.

So this is his tank. I thought I'd make it colorful. And yes, its a he. I bought a half moon betta. I named him Snape. :) he is black and a happy little guy. I also call him my baby fish. n-n I like checking up on him during the day. he usually is hanging out in the plants on just swimming around.  

His tail is also still fanned out, compared to closed up so I think he is happy and interested in his tank.

"Hi mommy! I love my new home!"

The only thing I noticed is he likes to hid under the filter. first time I thought it might have gotten stuck, so I turned off the filter and he swam out and then went back under. So I think he likes hiding there. I did buy him a log to hid in. But he does like hiding under the filter. 

My Patronous

I love Harry Potter and I'm totally excited for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.  I also recently re-watched the Harry Potter series with my boyfriend and I decided to look at the pottermore website to see if anything is new that's up. I was excited to see you can finally get your own patronus. So I poked the buttons and I found out my Patronous is...

A dolphin! Which is really neat and I'm super happy cause dolphins are one of my favorite animals. I also didn't know a dolphin could be a patronous so it makes me really happy. I also really like revisiting the site and clicking to cast my patronous.  I've been doing that a bit when I start thinking about trauma.

You also can read about your patronous here: https://www.quotev.com/story/3671161/Patronuses-and-Meanings/1

Fall Smells

So I bought a couple of smell-y fall things for me to enjoy. I really love fall and I love smells, and with rain coming soon I thought it would be really nice to buy some nommy and calm smelling candles. I only grabbed two. 

These two, I think I might go back and grab another one. I'm not sure. But I do love the smell of these two. I might see if they have any thanksgiving scents. Cause that holiday will be coming up quickly once OCT gets here! 

I also got this. But the bottle doesn't stay attached to the witch hat. So now I just have a witch hat dangling from my bag. <3 It also smells so yummy!