Art

When I'm stressed out I love making things like this. Its so much fun. Its from a website that allows you to create your own Nebulae. I like making ones with purple. But here are some of the other ones I've created.

Really pretty right?

I love space.  And making things like this makes me happy.

Anime love

I love this anime and manga. <3 Its one of my favorite and it holds a special place in my heart for shoujo ai. I found it back when I was slowly figuring out I was bisexual, and it really helped me come to terms and realize it was okay to be bisexual. I adored this anime so much.

Thats probably why this anime well always hold a special place in my heart.

I wish Nagisa and Tamao ended up together. They were so cute together. :( They were perfect together.

Ruby Aura Crystals

Not my picture, I found it on google!

I found a new crystal I want. <3 Its called a Ruby Aura Crystal. Its apart of the aura crystals, which tend to be used for crystal healing, and are treated compared to being natural. Although the formation is pretty natural. I do like it, and I think I'm going to keep my eyes open for a pretty chuck to find and buy. I want to add some red gemstones and crystals to my personal collection because I don't have any. So this might be my first beauty. 

My tumblr

In a way I don’t want to post this, but at the same time apart of me wants to document this. So I guess that part of me, which really wants to is getting its wish.

I ended up deleting my tumblrs because I felt like there was too much drama around it all, I felt like If I kept it up, no matter how long I went  on hiatus I would still have intense fear around that website, and I would worry about what people are saying about me. And that fear manifests itself into checking.  Checking blogs, checking my tag, checking to see whats been said, getting emails being told someone sent me an ask. The constant checking. And if I don’t check, it feels like something bad is going to happen. What I don’t know.

And overall become really odd and stalker-ish with it all, and I strongly dislike that feeling. I don’t feel like I should even be obsessive with something that makes me feel so crappy.  

 I’m 100% I have some kind of personality disorder, I’m just not sure what kind of I have.  

So last night I decided It would be a lot better for me if I just deleted. I wanted to delete one of my blogs, I felt odd about deleting both, but I ended up deleting both while trying to delete  one.  But after I deleted I had some sense of relief and I can now say in my head and out loud its over. Its over, its over, its over.

I did make myself a new tumblr, but I’m not following those people, and I’m staying far away from that community. I’m going to just reblog witchery, Halloween, and geek things. Probably also anime, but I’m going to stay away from the DDLG community. I also want that community to leave me be. <3   

I want it

I'm really into animal crossing, I love it. Its so much fun, and I've been so excited and so looking forward to this to come out! I really love dress up and design games. I don't know what it is about those games but its so much fun for me. Its like... the ideas are so limitless. And I love just being creative. I think I get to design houses and shops in the game. Which is so neat. I think it might be a different kind of fun too, compared to just being a villager or just a mayor. 

Now that its out I'm so excited. I really want to play it!!! I think I might buy this for my birthday, or maybe bug my dad, and see if he'll buy it for me.  Hm, I don't know. I do know I am looking forward to play, when ever that might be.

Also while I talk about animal crossing and I already have this post being typed.  I so badly want an animal crossing plushie. I mean, look how cute they are! 

http://www.amazon.ca/registry/wishlist/9AQV6TBRWDD8 <- You could also buy me the game there also. 

Vampire kitten!

I've been out all day long today! I hung out with my friend until 6, and than I sat at home for a short while, and than we went to go make dinner. When I was out today I ended up getting myself some cute Halloween stuff.  We went to a place called Spirit Halloween and we got to have fun and poke at the spooky things. There was a bunch of things that would jump out at us. We also looked at costumes and cute stockings.  We also went to the dollar store and I bought some really cute Halloween stuff there, I didn't spent too much money. Just a wee bit.

I want to slowly spoil myself for Halloween.

One of the cutest things I saw today was Nightmare Before Christmas Stuff. :3 Its adorable.  When I get all of my halloween stuff together I'll post a picture. And I'll also take a picture later of myself with my cute teeths in. :3

Forget me nots

These are one of my favorite flowers. Its a bit late for them now because its fall, but I wanted to share a picture of them I took I think last year. I love forget me nots so much because they also have the same blue color that robins eggs have. 

<3

DBT and mindfulness

 One of my new friends sent me a bunch of DBT books and mindfulness books online for me to start to do. I've started one of them, I don't know how well I'm going to do it, but I think I'm going to bring what I've been doing to my appointment for the first to show them.

DBT stands for Dialectical behavior therapy and its commonly used for BPD.   I’m still not diagnosed but I see no issues with using the technique and trying to fix/help myself.

My boyfriend has also asked me if I could try some mindfulness work, and start picking up the skills so I can kind of get more of a feel of people around me. So I'm going to start that as well. :3  

Ekk

This  movie came out today in theaters and I'm so excited about it! I've pulled a group of people together and we are going to see it sometime in early oct, I'm not sure with the date yet, it hasn't been finalized, I've mostly been worried about saying when because I know people have been trying to get costumes. And I want a costume/halloween themed outfit as well.

I'm so excited though! I loved Hotel Transylvania and I think this one is going to be really good as well. 

I'm so excited and I'm going to be bringing little goodie bags for my friends too. For halloween. <3 This is going to be great.

Day one of tumblr hiatus for mental health.

I’m going to try and keep track of how I’m doing with my tumblr free time. I’m no longer going to be on tumblr. I’m going to stay off for the rest of this month until the 1^st of oct, and then from there after I have my appointment, and I see where everything has fallen, and just my feelings I may either just stay off of it completely and delete it or go back.

Today I do feel slightly impulse-y and I want to check up on the website and I want to see if my name is still being tossed around, it’s my obsessive side wanting to know what’s being said, who said it, and just check notes to see who else said what and why. Who are they ect.  So yes, looking at myself and knowing that is my feelings, and knowing my stomach is turning in knots with the idea that people could be talking about me. It does make me feel like I really do need a break.

So far its been difficult with not going on tumblr, but its going to get easier. 

Negative Diary

Tonight after a mental breakdown on tumblr and me freaking out on there and writing down things I should have kept in my head, such as the self-blame, I ended up reaching out to a website called 7cupsoftea. On there I found someone who was willing to talk to me, and listen, they were really kind to me. I know nothing about this person, but they told me things like if this is the way people treat me, than they weren’t friends in the first place.  Talking to this person ended up making me feel a bit better and they asked me if I was okay with doing an excise. And yes, my brain thought they wanted me to work out.  But that isn’t what they wanted.

I ended up doing writing, and I wrote down whats upsetting me and why, and how I feel and why do I feel like that. I use to do this a lot as a teenager, I use to carry a little note book with me as a teen, I use to time it and date it, and I use to write in there when I felt upset, or suicidal. But I haven’t done that in so long.

But I think after today, I’m going to pick it up again. It made me feel really nice to be able to write down what was upsetting me fully and it made me feel better just to have it written down. Somewhere’s that isn’t in my head.

But yes, I’m going to start a negative diary. And I won’t be reading it to enjoy it, it’ll be for therapy reasons only and it will not be posted online. But rather written in pen/pencil. 

Dreams

One of my favorite things in my day is going to sleep. I love sleeping for a few reasons, one of the reasons is it just always makes me feel way better when I get a good nights sleep. But this isn’t about this, one of the things I really look forward to with sleeping is dreams, I love just being guided in my dream to a location and having something happens. Like if I play video games a bunch, my dreams will take on the video game world, same with movies, tv shows, and anime or a really good book.

The last few nights aside from last night, I’ve been having dreams about going to japan with my boyfriend.  Japan is somewhere I really want go to, and I think this dream mostly might be happening because a local girl in my Lolita community is going to japan. And I’m really jealous.

In my dreams my boyfriend and I end up flying all the way to japan, and my first dream was mostly us hanging out on the plane and me being really scared, and my boyfriend telling me not to worry, and me trying to sleep on the plane to try and make the flight go faster but I was unable to due to the excitement. I also had a book with me with basic Japanese language and my boyfriend had a phone number to one of his friends who knows Japanese we were going to call if we needed help.  I also have a list of stuff I wanted to do, and I was really excited to go places with my boyfriend, and this included shopping, food places, and tourist things like  museums and other neat places like that. 

On the plane we heard a voice come on, it was a male voice and it announce we were about 30 minutes away from japan and I ended up opening up my window to stare and watch us come in.  My boyfriend was really uncomfortable with the window open because you could look down,  and he has a huge phobia of heights, and I guess in my dream he does too. So I closed the window a bit so he couldn't see/look out the window,  and I watched us come in, we got closer to the city and I got to see all of the little buildings all lined up neatly into rows and I got to see the big builds look so tiny, and I got to see all of the lights of the city.  I felt so excited we were almost there!  

One of my favorite things to do on planes is watch us, the airplane come in, I love watching stuff that looked so small slowly get bigger and bigger. 

When we landed I was excited. My boyfriend and I planned we were going to take our time to get off of the air plane and go and collect ourselves and our stuff, so people who where in a hurry to go can go.   

In my dream we ended up getting our stuff and then we got a taxi, we also found some people  who were nice enough to tell us were a nice hotel was, and we got a taxi to take us there. The hotel was so beautiful, and the drive to our hotel was nice too. 

I think what was the nicest part of my dream is how the past few days I’ve had it, it was really relaxing, my brain felt like it was on vacation, and I really enjoyed it. I liked that my boyfriend and I weren’t in a rush to relax.  We were just able too. 

I would love to go to japan, and I hope someday I’m able too. I really enjoyed my dream visit and in my dream even if I did something that could have been really stupid, I ended up just laughing it off, and other people around me laughed too. I wasn’t able to make out in my dream if they were laughing at me, or with me. But I wasn’t to worried because I had a lot of fun.

It would be really neat to go to japan sometime,  I feel like I would want to go to all of the big and major cities. 

Family

(My photo)

My really need to start talking to my grandpa more. I have never met him, and I somehow miss him? How does that even work, I don't know. But I know that I do want to start talking to him again, and I love it when he teaches me words from our people. I still don't know how to say them, but even writing them is interesting. It allows me to get back in touch with a culture I wasn't allowed to be apart of by my mother.

I think at my school, even through it is on the other side of Canada, in the winter I am going to take their native course at my school I think, I guess for my own curiosity. Maybe I can at least get some possible guidance if I ask enough questions.

 I might also see if the native resource people in my school might have one of the books my grandpa suggested for me to borrow. Because I never seen to find them in shops or online.  I'm a horrible person with finding things like that though.

Multiple personality disorder

So I found out that multiple personality disorder runs in my family. My grandma on my dad's side told me, its something she struggles with personally and she wanted me to know and to also tell my doctors about because she has gone through some of the same things I've gone through with my mood and how flip floppy I can be. Its also known as DID.  I might take a peek just to see the symptoms to see if I have similar ones. I've been diagnosed with other illnesses and at most those all could be big pieces to a pie that I don't know about yet.

The only issues with DID is most people from my understanding already are aware of there alters, and I don't think I have any/that I know of? I know about the alter part because someone from a website I use to mod on, they said there alter is there adult half that uses the website. Meanwhile there normal half doesn't get into that space? Like one kinky half, one not kinky half? So I guess that confuses me, because I'm not like that.

I do dissociate really bad and I can. I think its the way my body reacts to stress, its like my bodies response to trouble is just dissociate. Its like, I'm a turtle and compared to getting into my shell when I'm scared, I just take my shell off and I run... in a very confused and not an okay direction.

Anyways, This is another personality disorder I can put on a list of possible things I might have wrong with me.

I feel happy because I'm learning about my family history.

Cute pet names I like being called

Picture is from my fav anime. 

• Princess
• Dear
• Little Lady
• Darling
• Doll
• Kitten 
• Beautiful

So far these are petnames I've been called that I really do adore. <3  

Baking

I'm thinking of baking a few things before the season of fall really kicks off.  I think this week, after wenesday I might make a few things to eat for my boyfriend and my roomie to have. If she wants.

Here is a list of things I want to make:

• Gluten free mac and cheese 
• Gluten free smores bars
• Gluten free apple pie 

I'm really looking forward to the mac and cheese, and the smore bars are going to be fun to make. Although I will have to do them vegan friendly. So hopefully there are still vegan chocolate chips left. :3

I made those about 3 years ago, and they were so yummy. I remember I was drooling so bad. :X I'm also a huge chocolate fan. 

Food Craving

About a year ago, or maybe a bit less, or a bit more. Hm, I'm not sure. Anyways, I tried this, It was really yummy. It was cooked squid. It was really yummy, I remember I went to richmond nightmarket out in Vancouver. I remember I really enjoyed it out there, and this year I won't be able to go. And I'm currently really craving this squid. It was really good, I remember it being a bit spicy and I'd rather just have it without the spice. But it was BBQ'd. And I remember I really loved the texture too. Which was a little weird because I could feel the little nibble-y bits on my tongue. Which I really liked.  

I think the next time I have them, I'm going to try a different flavor, and my boyfriend doesn't like spicy, so we can keep that option out. 

But yes, I'm totally craving this right now.

Future baby

I'm planning on getting a cactus sometime this year I think. I'm going to look at a few places I've seen that have them and see If I can get one as a pet/plant. I'm thinking what would be the most loveliest thing to find would be a pot thats full of a bunch of different kinds of cactus in it.  Maybe even if it has like 2 or even 3 different types. That would be really nice to find. I'm going to put mine by one of the windows around here too.

I really don't want to spend anything more than 10 bucks on a cactus.  I think my aloe will be happy too, to have a new friend and baby in our house. 

Lady Gaga

The music video was written and directed by Catherine Hardwicke, a filmmaker who Warren credited for helping make it “really gritty, harsh and real.“
“I hope that this PSA, with its raw and truthful portrayals, will send a clear message that we need to support these courageous survivors and end this epidemic plaguing our college campuses,” Hardwicke said in a statement. A portion of proceeds from the sale of the song, available on iTunes and other major music services, will be donated to organizations helping survivors of sexual assault.The video shows four young people of different races and orientation who are sexually assaulted, and how the attacks affect them. Its ending reflects the women who have spoken out about being assaulted.

I saw this posted on tumblr and I wanted to post it on my blog, mostly because this video has really touched me, and its also really close subject to me, and for me.

 You see, I'm a sexual assault victim, and I'm someone who has had this happen to me repeatedly. I've someone who hasn't had the event just happen once. But more than once.

The lyrics in this song,  the images they use in this song is so strong. It makes me want to cry. The emotions and lyrics in this song are so pure and honest and real.  I'm a survivor,  I don't know if I'm ever going to get over what happened to me. I really don't. And these images for me, they just fill me up with so much emotions because they are so relate-able. I ended up turning myself off because of what happened.

They do have some images that show sexual assault and drug use in this video, so I would say don't watch it if you are a victim and you are easily triggered. But for me... I feel like this is something people really do need to see. I think a lot of people still have the idea of it being romanticized somehow. Rape is so brutal and the self doubt and the thoughts and the words that go to your head after it happens and the blame, its there, and its so real.   But what really gets to me, isn't those images, but the looks of these young people who utterly lose themselves because of a pour choice someone else did. A decision that effected them. In my case, the choices that someone else made and how they effected me.

Thank you Mother Monster. You once again made a beautiful song, and thank you to Catherine Hardwicke, you did an amazing job with directing this.

Small Book Haul

This is what I got myself today. When I read books and I end up not liking them, I take them to a shop in my area, and they buy books back and you get store credit. So I had credit and I ended up getting three books. I'm super happy about it. I got GhostGirl which I really liked. I've read it before, Its so good and cheesy. Its written by Tonya Hurley. I also have Emily the Strange: The Lost Days. Which is really good so far. I've never read anything that has to do with Emily Strange, and lastly I got myself Grimms Fairy Tales which is something I've been wanting for awhile.

So yeah, I'm really happy, I have a few books that are really going to be good to read. And I've been also seeking a few books that are more spooky for around halloween time, and these are really good ones for that. <3 Super Spooky and stuff. 

Nostalgia

Today I went out and I found something I haven't seen in awhile, and it made me so happy. I own some crazy bones, a few. I really love them, they are adorable and they hold so much to me, and today I saw more. I was semi, well not semi, to be honest, I was very very tempted to grab one or two for myself.  I find stuff like this really makes me feel excited and then really happy for some reason.  Maybe I'll go back later one and buy myself one or two of them. I know I would love to have some purple ones if possible. <3 Purple is my fav color and I'm on such a purple kick.

I'm going to try and find these ones:
http://www.classiccrazybones.com/whoswho/New%20Generation.htm

Or maybe these ones:
http://www.classiccrazybones.com/whoswho/Ghost.htm

Because ghost and spooky things are neat. <3

Friends don't plant seeds in friends heads.

Seeds tome usually bring life and creation love, and something beautiful comes from it. Like flowers, or plants. But sometimes seeds can be planted for nasty reasons. To hurt and injury, the kind of seeds I’m talking about aren’t the editable ones. Or the ones that grow into something that smells really pretty, or a bloom into a plant that cleans our air. The kind of seeds I’m talking about is the mental kind, the ones that are in your head. The ones that are meant to pre-wired someone to a side, Those kinds of seeds.  The negative ones that can be planted into your head, by someone saying something as simple as “That might look nice on you, if you become just a touch smaller.” Things people say that sound like a touch of care or concern but they those words are also full of doubt and make you fill up with self-doubt.

A friend of mine told me that she thinks my boyfriend is abusive and she told me I could do a lot better than being with him. And for me, that really hurt, I’ve been in abusive relationships so it really just crashed for me.  It was like, someone screaming deer while someone is driving just to check somewhere reflexes. Because there was no deer there really, they were just playing a joke on you. Or I guess a better animal to put there would be a moose because they ram cars. But none the less, it made me really scared, and I ended up looking really hard, and it also made me really upset with myself. When I was first told that, because I’ve been in so many bad relationships before so my brain was like, “Really? Again? Are you just really this stupid?”.  I think what hurt me more is being told if I brought it up with my boyfriend and asked him if he was abusive, they said he would say no, because of course if someone is abusive and they get told they are. That person is going to be like no. But I really thought about it, Like I sat there and really really thought about it. And I don’t view him as abusive.  I don’t think he has done anything even wrong, Everything we do together,  is stuff I’ve vocally asked for in a conversation with him. Like asking him if he could help me with my money so I don’t spend it all. That’s not something he has taken upon himself, its something I asked him if he could help me with. And he said okay, and we both are working towards that. He is helping me do it.

I never even told her anything that would flash as a red light, I’m being abused. The  most I said is we both can’t go to an event she asked me to go to, because finical I can’t do that. It’s a huge expense to go to an event outside of my area. Take a ferry, bus, hotel, money for food, money for event ect. Its not cheap. And for me that’s what really shocks me that someone can assume someone is being abused for a really reasonable reason.  

It hurts me also. It also makes me really mad and anger to be honest. Its betrayal. Of my feelings, and my thoughts and my mental health. 

I think what scares me about this too, and what also makes me wonder is how often does this happens? and I wonder why people even do this. Why scare someone who is happy and tell them they are being abused? When that person hasn’t even said anything that’s concerning enough to make you think they are abused. 

Back to school

Back to school has been pretty good so far I think. My classes so far aren't bad, I think I am a bit overwhelmed to see the size of my classrooms and to really see how many people are taking the same course as me. I'm looking forward to English  because its one of my strong suits. Weirdly enough, even though I have difficulties with spelling, I'm still really good at the reading part and responding to things. Or figuring out answers from passages I need to read and do short answers and stuff.

My first day was a longer day, I ended up going to my school, going to my English course first and than after that I ate lunch and then bought the text books I need for English and my psychology class I'm taking. That class by the way is huge. And Its a good class, we are learning about empathy and how to use it. Because its important to know, and I guess its important also to know for child care so you can look at things with an objective point a few compared to a point of view with emotional and sympathizing with someone. Which is perfectly fine to do that too, its just when you sympathize with someone it can kick up a lot of emotions and those responses you are going to have. Like if someone lost there cat, and you lost a cat before, when they tell you about that person loosing there cat you might end up thinking about your own cat that passed away, and then compared to being objective about it. And not allowing emotions to get involved you might end up speaking with emotions.

Its going to be a really interesting course. We also get to do little sessions with a classmate, I have mine already, and we get to just listen to someone talk for ten minutes and while we do that, we are just going to listen, and listen for real. Like we are going to be in a clinical room, so we can't hear any other noises and its just about watching and seeing peoples reactions and they way they speak and there body langue and stuff. It'll be neat.

I think my bank account also adjusted to the wee bit of money I had to spend on my books for my class.  I did have a nice lucky thing though, My English text book was cheaper than what it would have been bought for at my school store, I ended up buying a text book from another person in my school, they had the one I needed and they bought it used, and than found out they didn't need that one, so I ended up buying there's and I got it for even cheaper! And yes, we checked to make sure I got a deal! So yeah I'm pretty happy about that too.

I go back to school tomorrow, but I don't mind. I ended up already doing my homework. So I'm basically ready for tomorrow now.

Manga

For the passed few days now I've been reading this manga. Its written by the same person who did Ramna 1/2 and Inuyasha. Same art style. I've been wanting to read this manga for awhile but I keep putting it off, I'm not really sure why I did, but I ended up finally starting to read it this week. And I really do love it, I love the main Characters, Rinne and Sakura. 

Look how cute they are! 

I also really like this manga because it has to do with spirits and paranormal which is like one of my favorite subjects in books, and I love it when animes and manga do it, because  you also can get some of there folklore and spirit history and terms so you can look up and learn. And I don't mean words like baka, but terms that have a meaning and than looking up spirits and seeing what they do. Which is something I do, and I find it really neat and fun. 

<3 anyways, I'm adoring this manga so much. 

I've also been on the hunt for a manga or anime like this for awhile so this is really perfect.

spooky survey questions

Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?
I would. I'm really scared and anxious about dying.  I have a really bad fear of the unknown and I have a fear of death, because its not an experience people can tell you about. So I don't know if its painful or not, and what it feels like, what are your final thoughts ect. I've nearly died before, and that feeling was horrible. So If I could become immortality and never have to worry about dying, and look young forever like the way I look right now. I would take it.

Werewolf:  If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?

I'd say my boyfriend. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, so It would be fine by me to do that with him. :3 

Witch: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

Hm, this is a hard one, but I think if I could change one thing about our world, I would want to give animals who losts there homes, there homes back. So we can work on repopulating areas, and allowing animals to live.

Ghost: Do you have any regrets?

I don't think so. 

Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?

I'm independent, I'm the one who makes the choices of what i'm doing with my life, like saving money, spending money, paying my rent, signing up for stuff and getting into school.   I do go to people for advice though when I'm unsure of something. Mostly just from people like guidance counselors or friends or my boyfriend. (My boyfriend will remember me of what I want to do. because sometimes I get into what I could do right now)

Mummy:If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?

I think so. I'm sure my friends and family would miss me, same with people on my social sites like tumblr, or facebook, and of course my boyfriend would miss me. Same with my doctors I've talked to and stuff.

Zombie: Do you miss anyone right now?

Yup, I miss my dad and my family.

Faerie: If you could get away with anything, what would you do?

Anything? Oh goodness, If I could do anything right now I would probably go to micheals and spend money on halloween things and bring it all home with me to enjoy, and not have my boyfriend be like "Please tell me you didn't just spend like $500 on halloween stuff"

Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?

By myself? Probably really goofy, I dance and wiggle in my seat when I listen to music, I also lip sync and giggle at things I find online, and I do a lot of typing.

Mermaid:  How far would you go to keep the one you love?
About the same length they'd be willing to go. I would say above and beyond but thats really not so much fun, and its very tiring when you find out someone is only going to put so much effort into this. In my last relationship  I put myself out there more for my other half than I really needed too, and I found out it made me really under appreciated. (I still hope that person will realize this someday)

Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?

Probably nothing. I've gone though doing a lot of self acceptances of my body, my looks, and stuff. I think for me that would just be mentally backfiring if I changed one thing about myself. Even my feelings and the way I react to things make me, me.  I think though, the only thing I'm even working on 'changing', which is just improving is on my mental aspects of my life. 

Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?

I'd do anything they'd wish to do, and if I can't, physically, I would try and find a way so they can enjoy what they wanted to do, for there last day on earth. If they were someone who wanted to once go flying, I would probably pay for a short air plane ride just so they can enjoy something like that.  My friends, and my family mean so much to me. They mean more than I mean to myself. If that makes any sense. I feel like if it was there last day, I would try my hardest to make sure it was the best last day they ever had. 

Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?

Hm, this is a power I think would be interesting. Because a part of me, says you can't make people do something they aren't willing to do. But I feel like if it was used to get people to do something thats truly in there heart but they are too scared to do, I would help them. 

Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?

I would save that wish. I would save that wish until I really needed to use it. 

Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear? 

I have a few triggering phrases. But I don't want to list them online. But I do have triggering words. I guess for a more general one I can post is I dislike the word "episode" when people are referring to me when I get irrational and very paranoid. 

Incubus: What would someone have to do to get in your pants?

Well, I do have a boyfriend so I'm not really interested in anyone else, unless your a lady that wants to sleep with me and my boyfriend/Daddy. But what would someone have to do? Be your true self, thats what I'm interested in. Be you, if you are awkward and anxious thats fine. I prefer meeting people who are true to them because it really tells me more about that person, than there fake mask. I also fell ten times more comfortable when I can see the true you. :3 

I don't need gifts, I don't need chocolate, I don't need panties, or stuffies. those things are all nice, but I really just seek people who are themselves. 

Succubus: What’s one thing you can’t live without?
My laptop/internet viewing thingy.

Sugar Skull

This year I want to get a few, a very small few of some sugar skull things. I'm learning more and more about Día de los Muertos, Also known as "the day of the dead", more and more and I really like that day. The idea behind what the holiday really is amazing to me, and its full of so much respect and I really adore that part of it.  I really do believe in respecting people who have passed away, there blood flows through my veins and without my family I wouldn't be alive.

So I think I might buy a few goodies, but not many, I know for awhile I really wanted to do a sugar skull shoot, but learning more and more about it, I really feel like I would be really out of place doing it.  I thought it was more of a make up thing, but learning more about it, its not. Its a full culture. I really also have to thank the movie "The book of Life" that also has really jump kicked my interest in the day of the dead. It also was written in my book with ghosts and spiritual things.

Excited About Our One Year.

Its not even here yet and I won't be until the 10th of Oct, Right now we are at 11 months,  but I'm really excited to know its going to be my boyfriend and I's one year soon! And more so in the best month ever! Halloween, super super spooky halloween! I remember our first night together and Matt playing Rune Factory awhile I watched and me giggling because he was making the guy not really walk but like hop. I found it really funny, I also remember snuggling with him after that, and us having sex, and stuff. Our meal was really good gluten free take out pizza. And I dunno, I guess all of that stuff gives me warm fuzzy feelings and it still does when I think about it. Because its the day I found my special someone, and was able to really start to see my feelings for him.

 I find it really exciting and it makes me so happy. This first year has had some rough times, but thats normal. I feel like any relationship can have some disagreements and rough patches. But I feel so joyfully happy its been one year of my goof ball, one year of kissing him, hugging him, calling him handsome, holding his hand, playing video games with him, eating with him. Sharing really great dinners with him. And him just being mine, and me being his!

One year of us being together, one full year of my heart filling up with happiness. Each day waking up to him. Its been wonderful. <3

*totally sappy love post*

SO ONE YEAR, GET YOUR BUTT HERE ALREADY. Thank you.

From Dark To light

I'm going to preface this with a self harm trigger warning for myself, so later on I don't read this and trigger myself, but I did want to share this. Because I think its important. 

There is a lot of strength I think that people have with depression and wanting to die. Self harm and suicide sounds and seems so weak. People judge to quickly, “Oh my, they don’t have it that bad” without looking in. Into the person, there life, there struggles, trauma and the way there mind processes things due to said trauma. And with that there isn’t really a lot of credit with people who want to commit suicide. Most people on the outside don’t notice the win, the victory. They just see the failure. The uselessness of a person.  But you know what, I did a victory and I don’t give a damn what anyone says.

 What people need to realize is someone who is suicidal and is still standing each day, getting up, doing things, even if they aren’t “big”. It’s still an accomplishment.

Being alive and breathing, finding even just the littlest thing to fight for is amazing. “normal” people or non-suicidal ones take that for granted. Every day you can get up, and do things. For no real reason other than you enjoy it. Your drive is different than ours.

A few nights ago I struggled with it myself. I’ve been stressed out, upset, and really confused. My head has been clouded with lies and stories, I haven’t had a chance to think for myself and it stresses me out.  I have depression, and anxiety, ptsd and ocd. And grounding isn’t something I’ve been working on.

I ended up self-harming, which does really disappointment because I haven’t done it for so long, but you know what? Today and yesterday I haven’t. And that’s how its going to be. That’s my goal, be free.

I sat in a quiet room with scissors, I wanted to take them and snip right into my skin, like how you fold a piece of paper in half and you cut into it like that, that’s what I wanted to do with myself. But for some time I sat there and ran the scissors across my skin and ended up crying, and then I realized. There is no point to this.

Yes, I cut, yes, I wanted to die. But I ended up not. I ended up closing the scissors and I went to my boyfriend with them. I told him what I was trying to do, and I couldn’t still relax. My chest was tight because of the anxiety of sharing something so personal and scary with him, really scared me. It made me feel really valuable. But he ended up just hugging me and wanted to help me calm down, It wasn’t nearly this clean cut. I was really upset and confused and I ended up just sitting in a room with him in my own chair for a bit, 

before I got up and took one of my pills for when I’m like this.

   

Today I talked to my doctor about it, and we made a safety plan, I’ve been told I also can call 911 and the police can pick me up free of charge, no handcuffs or anything, and just take me to the hospital in case I feel like that again and a risk to myself. I Also was given a help line number. 

I want to keep fighting. I'm not going to give up. 

Halloween Bucket List

I never really do seasonal themed bucket lists, but this year I thought I should because it would be nice too. This way I also know whats on my to do list. :3

Fall Bits:

• Press some fallen leaves with fall colors
• Enjoy thanks giving. 
• Make apple pie
• Take photographs in the fall
• Have a fall photoshoot
• Drink really yummy mint flavored hot chocolate. (at least once)
• Get some fall smelling candles
• Do leaf art
• Do a photoshoot in leafs
• 
  

Halloween bits:

• Buy what I need for my costume
• Get vampire teeth
• Get some cute halloween themed stockings to wear other times in the year
• Go to a haunted house
• Watch Halloween movies
• Buy Halloween decor stuff for the house to keep in during the year.
• Have a Halloween party.

Blow it out

One of the newer techqines I've been doing to deal with self harm thoughts is one thats really easy. Which is lighting candles.  I've been starting to do it when I get really intense feelings to cut myself, But I don't use the wax on myself because I think I would still classify that as self harmy. But no, Is I light a candle and I watch the flame start, and slowly grow. I like watching the wax become liquid and pooling up, and I just really adore seeing the flame dance about. I also like it, because when I put it out, I get to pick when to do it. I get to pick when I put a fire out and I get to watch it die, and I also than get to see it create something by its self. Smoke, and I watch the smoke lift up into the air and dance as it slowly fades away.

I do want to get some scented candles, I saw that you could get three for a 11 bucks at micheals and I might do that when I have money to spend.  Because I can at least deal with this thoughts and feelings in a better way that won't lead to self harm.

Yiss halloween stuff

I went out today with my friend for some shopping for Halloween. Well, not shopping because this would be a haul post, which this sadly is not. Today I went window shopping. I'm excited for Halloween and I'm going to start getting goodies after I'm done sept/closer to the end of this month. Because I'm currently more prepping for school.  I bought some foods  for lunch for school today and a backpack that will be big enough I hope. (If not I can return it and get a better one)

I went to dollarama today and than micheals. The halloween section at dollarama is really small right now and a lot of stuff is still in boxes. but the little bit I saw was great. I saw stockings and other cute things. I want to go back and buy some stockings because I'll probably wear them to school closer to halloween. But yeah, the dollar store has amazing stuff, I love going there. I need to go there for chocolate, and other goodies for sure. This year I wanna make little goodie boxes for people. Mostly just my friend and her boyfriend, my boyfriend, myself, and one for our roomie.

 Dear gosh, micheals is amazing I felt like I was in lala land, I do have a few things I want from there. Like there is a mug that says witches brew and a pumpkin I think so I can have one even though it'll be fake. But mostly but I mostly want things from dollarama, I also wanna check out dollar tree when its more around that season.

 I know I wanna do the house up in a cute spooky way. I also have picked what I want to be this year too, I think I'm going to be a witchy cat. I got purple collar and cat ears, all I gotta find now is a dress and a few other stuff and I'll be okay.

I'm also looking into goodies, I gotta find some candy that is gluten free, Soy free, milk free. I also wanna grab a few things that are vegan friendly for our roomie who is a vegan. Because everyone should enjoy halloween. And its going to feel weird not to include her in some way.  :3

Added Items to bucket List

• Finish my calico critters doll house. 
• Get a New ipod
• Try something from Lush. 
• Get a Pet Ferret
• Move into a house that is pet friendly
• Do some more Vlogs
• Get a christian piercing. 
• Make something beautiful
• Donate food to a food bank. (baby food and gluten free food)
• Get one of my photographs published. 
• Meet the Cast of Sons of Anarchy
• Try food from all over the world
• Try candy from all over the world
• Donate to a fund that helps wild life I care about. Such as bats, Lions, tigers, leopards and other animals. 
• Go to Beatrix potter's house.

I'm adding these to my bucket list. 

Lolita

So I might be going to my first lolita meetup in a long time sometime soon. When A dated gets picked. Its going to be a meetup and sell items that don't fit anymore and things that are cute/kawaii themed. I'm excited because I have two Lolita pieces i'm going to sell. A dress and a skirt. I'm also thinking I might sell my white wig, because its a pain in the butt to get on and really just wear. I think I might. Its a pretty wig and I'm sure someone will buy it from me. Plus I have a few more non brand lolita stuff I want to sell. :3 So yeah. I'm excited.

I hope I can at least get one dress, although I'm not sure what color I want. I really want purple, but I don't know if purple would be a nice color on me. Like light purple. Or maybe baby blue. Oooh, I mean pink could be cute too.

I'm really excited though. I need to figure out an outfit. I know I'm going to probably be really shy. But thats okay. :3

Forest Cat

I'm excited because I have an upcoming shoot happening. Its going to be forest cat themed! With my ears and tail, I'm feeling like a forest shoot might be a good idea. I think I'm going to wear more earthy colors of clothing. As for shoes I don't know. I think also mattering on when I go, like if its in later fall I want to play off some of the colors we find in local leafs, so reds, browns, and yellow. :3

I'll have to probably figure out some poses. But these are some general ones:

None of the photos below are mine.  They are being posted for inspiration reasons. 

One of my Idols.

I have a few people I look up to, for a lot of reasons. But mostly just because of there aim for animal rights and being voicing for animals and other things I strongly believe in. 

Hannah Mermaid/Hannah Fraser Is such a strong, beautiful and inspiring women to me, and she is one of those people.  She’s such a lovely mermaid, and she seems like she’s also a lovely person. I love her fins, there amazing and all on their own there a work of art. And when she gets in them, she looks so amazing. 

One of the reasons why I really like Hannah Fraser is the fact that she hand makes all of her fins, they aren't store bought, but hand made and worked on by herself, and each of them are really beautiful and stunning. 

She also does a lot of shoots based around animals, such as sharks, whales, and other endangered animals that people either harvest and kill because they are scared of them, or being they view them as pests or simply as a method to get food.  Hannah Mermaid Is one of the people who first really got involve with what happens to the Dolphins in Japan and she was someone who paddled out to protest.

She also spends a lot of her time, with a photographer and a videographer to make stories, beautiful images, and beautiful flims telling stories of these great creatures such as sharks to show them as nothing more than gentle beasts that have been killed by people who don't understand. 

I wish I could meet her! I would love to meet her one day. She's one of the reasons why I want to do mermaiding. <3 Once I get the money. Than one of my dreams will come true. :3 I'm really interesting in trying mermaiding or at least trying to educate younger people about the oceans.  

But yeah, as a 23 year old I really look up and love this lady. Shes amazing and I suggest people who don't know about her to look into her.