From Dark To light

I'm going to preface this with a self harm trigger warning for myself, so later on I don't read this and trigger myself, but I did want to share this. Because I think its important. 

There is a lot of strength I think that people have with depression and wanting to die. Self harm and suicide sounds and seems so weak. People judge to quickly, “Oh my, they don’t have it that bad” without looking in. Into the person, there life, there struggles, trauma and the way there mind processes things due to said trauma. And with that there isn’t really a lot of credit with people who want to commit suicide. Most people on the outside don’t notice the win, the victory. They just see the failure. The uselessness of a person.  But you know what, I did a victory and I don’t give a damn what anyone says.

 What people need to realize is someone who is suicidal and is still standing each day, getting up, doing things, even if they aren’t “big”. It’s still an accomplishment.

Being alive and breathing, finding even just the littlest thing to fight for is amazing. “normal” people or non-suicidal ones take that for granted. Every day you can get up, and do things. For no real reason other than you enjoy it. Your drive is different than ours.

A few nights ago I struggled with it myself. I’ve been stressed out, upset, and really confused. My head has been clouded with lies and stories, I haven’t had a chance to think for myself and it stresses me out.  I have depression, and anxiety, ptsd and ocd. And grounding isn’t something I’ve been working on.

I ended up self-harming, which does really disappointment because I haven’t done it for so long, but you know what? Today and yesterday I haven’t. And that’s how its going to be. That’s my goal, be free.

I sat in a quiet room with scissors, I wanted to take them and snip right into my skin, like how you fold a piece of paper in half and you cut into it like that, that’s what I wanted to do with myself. But for some time I sat there and ran the scissors across my skin and ended up crying, and then I realized. There is no point to this.

Yes, I cut, yes, I wanted to die. But I ended up not. I ended up closing the scissors and I went to my boyfriend with them. I told him what I was trying to do, and I couldn’t still relax. My chest was tight because of the anxiety of sharing something so personal and scary with him, really scared me. It made me feel really valuable. But he ended up just hugging me and wanted to help me calm down, It wasn’t nearly this clean cut. I was really upset and confused and I ended up just sitting in a room with him in my own chair for a bit, 

before I got up and took one of my pills for when I’m like this.

   

Today I talked to my doctor about it, and we made a safety plan, I’ve been told I also can call 911 and the police can pick me up free of charge, no handcuffs or anything, and just take me to the hospital in case I feel like that again and a risk to myself. I Also was given a help line number. 

I want to keep fighting. I'm not going to give up.