I'm excited for the toy show!

So this weekend there is a "vintage"toy show in my town.  I'm so excited!

I love toys so much. I also like it cause they tend to have classic toys from my childhood. (So from the 90s) along with toys from even older generations! They also get more current ones too. They get lego (which okay I'm not a huge fan of, but its still cool, and its really cool when they do big setups of them. ) and they also get a lot of other stuff. I know last time I went I got a cute solo littlest pet shop guinea pig. And I kinda hope I find more of those cause they are cute! or even a littlest pet shop house.

I'm hopeful this time I can find some toys. I really want to find a polly pocket with the people inside of it, calico critters. (Cause I love them so much) Also I would love to find more littlest pet shop things. I'm obsessed with guinea pigs. So really anything with that animal... I'll probably buy it.  xD

I also wanted to share a couple of my fav toys from my child hood below. So ;) lets share!

I use to have these!! I loved the 'baby' pokemon inside.

I had one of these - I also know I had a McDonald's one too. I loved these things. But I think I broke one of there arms once. So they couldn't 'fly' for awhile. 

I loved these things, I have a couple even today. I really wanna see if I can find a blind bag or two of them locally just to have the excitement again of opening them.

I also would love to find ty's again. I always see the bears at the second hand shop - but I really love the animals and bugs. They are so cute! and I love butterflies. <3

30 day BPD - Day 8-9

Day 8: What is one of your biggest strengths? 

I think for me my biggest strengths is my ability and wanting to keep growing and becoming better. I think thats really important with recovery, the forever willingness to fight, and even when stuff goes wrong to turn around and re-group and find a new path to recovery I feel is really important and it'll be important for most of my life.

I also feel like the ability to keep wanting to grow and become better is important for other aspects of my life too, like being a good person, or even just my personal goals.

Day 9: Do you have other illnesses going on for you more then just bpd? Please share.

So I have:
BPD
C-PTSD
Clinical depression
Generalized anxiety
Social anxiety
Social phobia
OCD-ish traits. (More so the skin picking but its written down as 'ocd')
psychosis otherwise unspecified

... I also have a couple other health problems and I want to find out whats going on in with my bowels. I'm wondering if I have ibs- or something worst.

Guinea pigs

I haven't done a piggy update in awhile! My girls are doing fine. They had a wonderful summer. They got cool blankets draped over there cage to keep them cool, and ice packs for them to lay on with blankets over top of them.

They've gotten bigger since I last posted them. And Leda and Rosie I think are becoming more outgoing. they still aren't a huge fan of the camera. however they are find with videos being taken of them.

Leda bear is still pretty timid but she's slowly warming up to us. She likes to put her head up in the air to greet us sometimes and she lets her Daddy pet her a little now.. n-n and she lets me pet her. Shes also really brave. My boyfriend put in a new little box/tub for my silly girls. And Leda was the first to jump in and be like "Yeah I can see me eating in here." Rosie was being the timid scared one.  I'm so happy to see shes not as scary anymore. ALSO! I've seen Leda Lay outside of her hids. Just lay, and sleep. Its so freakin' cute! It also means shes feels safe! So yay!!

Rosie is doing well too. She's still out going and silly. I call her happy a lot. Cause she always seems to be happy. Shes also pretty vocal sill. She likes to wheek at me in the morning when I first get up for her breakfast and she also likes to wheek for her snacks. Oh and if I get my own food she watches me eat and wheeks at me. Shes a cute baby bear though. =) she also likes to play and she loves to jump off her sofa's. Its like her staring move to pop corning. "Oh I wanna popcorn, I gotta go jump off the sofa and popcorn after this" Shes my goofy girl. I love her so much.

Oh, I'm also planning them a really cute Christmas. I wanna do cute stockings filled with piggy goodies for them. n-n I need to start figuring out what I'm going to buy them. Plus I wanna buy them two cute woven homes. Cause they both seem to like there current woven hide the best. They take turns sleeping in it currently. Its adorable. Its never empty.

Sooke Potholes

These are a couple of pictures of the potholes we have out here. Its a huge swimming spot for people on the island. Its lovely. I swam here 2 times ever week in the summer. The water was really cool. and you always can just go up or down river and you can find areas where there are no people.

I really want to go next year, and by then I'll hopefully have a nice underwater camera. Cause it looks sooo cool under water. I got to swim with goggles on for my last couple of trips and it looked so cool!

 I'm also hoping I get to go back to the potholes for the winter. Just to see whats going on.

Inhaler project

So I got to do my first project in awhile. I've slowly becoming more creative again. And it feels great. One of the projects did recently was making my own essential oils inhalers. The idea of it would be the smell of the oils is soothing.  I did have to do some research first to find ones that would be okay for me. Luckily there are a lot of websites that let you know about what is not safe or risky to use. So I stayed clear of them.

So I went to a local super market. (Whole foods) and I picked up 2 different blends or oils. Plus also a small bottle of orange essential oil. (It smells so good!)  I also picked up some small lip chap bottles for 70 cents each from a local bath and beauty DIY store. I also went to the dollar store and bought some cotton strips I could chop up and use. I already had the Washi tape hanging around, so I used that to color code each bottle. So I could know which one was which.

.

So this is my supplies all together.  Aside from the scissors I used to cut up the cotton with. I will say this was a more expensive DIY project. But I know I'll use the oils more when I need to re-fill my two little tubs.  

And these are just the two pictures of the bottles of mixed oils I bought and what they are for. They both smell really good! 

Each bottle has there own couple of drops of the oil in them.  I did a couple of drops for each on the piece of cotton I placed in the 'inhalers'. The smell is really nice too. I've been using them for a couple of days and each time I open them, the smell is really refreshing.

I'm really happy with my project. I will change this around once I order the real inhalers. But for now it works well. It'll also help with my anxieties cause it'll give me something pleasant and happy to focus on.

30 Days of bpd - Day 6-7

Day 6: What does identity issues look like for you?

My identity I think and feel like its getting a bit stronger. I try a couple of different things to really figure out who I am. I try and make goals and revisit them in a couple of months to see how do I feel about those same goals. So like I'll create bucket lists. I'll post them here. I'll re-read them later and sometimes I remove items because they were something another partner or friend at the time wanted to do and I was just coping. Or it was an impulsive thing I wanted to do and later on I explored it and decided nawh. Like the christian piercing I no longer want. And thankfully never got.

I also keep track of my interests/hobbies and ideas on pinterest. I like different fashions for example. I like gothic fashions, I like Japanese fashions like lolita, mori and larmn kei, I also like boho fashion. So I have boards for that. I also create boards for my other possible hobbies and interests. I also delete those boards if they no longer apply to me, or peak my interest. One of the other plus sides to using something like pinterest is I feel like its pretty private. On tumblr I always worried about seeming perfect or having that right aesthetic look. 

Also on good days I try and write out good aspects of myself, or list things that I can say make me "me". Like yeah I worry. So that might go down. And maybe that secretly is a plus. Cause you know if you matter to me, you'll always have me wanting to make sure your safe! Although thing I can list is I really like animals. I love them, and I would do anything for animals. Sea animals, birds, land animals. I love them all deeply. And I think that shows a big part of my personality. 

Often when I'm in crisis that is when the feelings of "I don't know who I am" or "I don't know what I want" "I feel fake" come to play.

I do also know as someone with bpd. I often copy others. So if someone starts to talk a way, I might copy that. If someone starts to dress away. I'll copy that. I'll also try and copy music tastes etc. And I find that really hard. It gets a lot worst when I find a FP, cause I often imprint and copy them. Luckily I haven't dealt with that for awhile.

I also know one of my other biggest issues currently is I don't know what I want to be, or what I want to become. Which is why I've stayed away from school. I do know I have a couple ideas. But I'm scared they might not be my own. So I've been just talking about them a bit more and trying to explore them.

Day 7: What are five of your biggest fears?
Mine are:

• Heights. 
• Drowning - I have a really bad somewhat irrational fear of drowning. I'm glad now I have a life jacket for swimming. It just helps me feel safe.
• Having people I really care about disappearing on me. 
• Having my guinea pigs pass away on me, at the same time and feeling extremely alone. (They help me not commit suicide. So they are really important.) 
• Having my mom or anyone else who was abusive towards me and find me.

I do have more. But these are the top ones I can think of right now. I know I also have fears of gaining weight, growing old and becoming bed bound and unable to move. Etc.

30 days of BPD- Day 5

Day 5: If you were having an episode, what would you want your loved ones to do for you?

For me, I tend to need space. I get really introverted and I can get really claustrophobia when I'm triggered, so I really do best with no contact physically with anyone for awhile. Sometimes I do want to be held, or hugged, but I get so overwhelmed with the touching behavior that I can't have it. But there are times where a short hug does help. I also like to communicate love or feelings. I find that really helpful.  Because it lets me know even if something bad is happening someone still does love me.

Even though sometimes I feel like its not true. (yay being irrational!)

However I do like it when my loved ones ask me questions like "Is there anything you need right now Sae?" And it can give me a second to even think about my basic needs. Like "Have I drank water? Maybe I need water." Then I ask for water. Or "Have I ate food today? Should I maybe have soup?" and then I can ask for something like soup. (even if its just broth.) I like open ended questions because they give me the chance to think of what I want or need. Its also nice because it lets me know the person cares, They just aren't pushing there own thoughts of what I need onto me.

One of the other things I find really helpful is when my partner checks in on me. Like in an hour he might come to the room in the house i'm in to see how i'm doing. - Sometimes I am napping, other times I'm to the point where I'm starting to calm down and feel more like I'm willing to explain or talk about why I'm upset. But its really important for it to be within the set time I was told.

Otherwise I start to worry. Maybe they left, maybe they don't care. Maybe they said that just to get rid of me. and a new tail spin of worry happens. and often my anxiety starts to freak out.

30 Days of BPD 3-4

Day 3: What has been the most important skill you have used, when dealing with your bpd?

Some of my most important skills I've used when dealing with my bpd is distress tolerance skills and self soothing skills. So things like grounding. For example the 5-4-3-2-1 skill. Some of the other things I might do is figuring out ways to comfort myself. Like bathes, maybe I need to distract myself so I might watch a movie or show that I know can bring up happy memories. (Pipi long stocking, or anne of green gables are my two fav comfort shows. But basically anything from my childhood!) Allowing myself to have some time of being sad, or unhappy. Because thats important to allow myself to feel these things! I also will use fact check - its one of my favorite skills and its one I remember really well. So I use that one a lot. I'm also learning dear man a bit more. I also find it useful to self validate when needed. (Although this is really hard)

Day 4: Do you identify with the term quiet borderline? Why or why not?

I do Identify with the term quiet borderline. I feel like it describes how I react with my triggers, my trauma and the way I deal with my emotional side. I can be emotional reactive, but Its more so inside. I'm always worried about hurting someones feelings, or upsetting people. I worry about offending others so when I feel hurt I'm less likely to tell the person who hurt me. I also often judge myself, go over things 1000 times a day. And I also will feel like I can't have boundaries because they are selfish. Or my feelings because they are selfish and rude. - But yes. I do identify with the term quiet borderline. I think it explains me well.

Budget and spending.

So I'm starting to making a budget this month. I'm doing the first step which is tracking my spending.  I really want to look at more of where is my money going and what are my spending habits. I also eventually want to also do my mood charting and match it up with my spending. I know I'm an impulsive spender. I do that more so when I'm in a bad mind set. I tend to look for objects to make me feel happy.

So hopefully this'll help me out. I'm doing to do it week by week. I know I already ate up a bit of my fun money on a workbook, a pair of shoes for the winter. (So I can stop wearing my saddles) and I also bought myself a new purse because I like something thats a bit more organized. Its also a happy color so it'll be nice for the winter and fall.

 

This is my bag I bought. It has three sections too. So I can put my activity things in one pocket, my comfort stuff in another. (Including nommy snacks, like nuts or something.) and then I use the middle pocket for more of my important things like my wallet, and my puffer and stuff.

I'm really hoping that budgeting works out for me though as I've never done it before. I've just always been told "don't buy this" "don't spend your money" which doesn't help with a whole lot. I also know for me I tend to then feel like times I need to revolt and be like "Nupe!" So that doesn't really help at all. Plus I know I also want to start up a savings for a couple of things. Like a better Guinea pigs Savings fund. And I also would really like to start working on saving money for trips and travel plans. 

I also know for the mental health aspect of mine, I tend to feel really useless when I impulsive buy or I end up spending all of my money and I have O funds in account. I don't enjoy the living month to month, kind of feelings.

30 Days of BPD Day 1 -2

I created a 30 day challenge for people who suffer from bpd. Its more for quiet borderlines. So there is at least one question that has to do with that. I wanted to share my thoughts here too cause I thought it might be nice and I haven't done a 30 day challenge in awhile. So I'll be posting day 1 and 2 right now. I'll do day 3 tomorrow. (Its technically tomorrow, but I haven't slept yet)


Day 1 : What does therapy mean to you? 

Therapy for me means a lot of things. It means finally being able to sit down and feel comfortable talking to someone who is interested in helping me. It also means finding someone who can validate who I am and my experiences. It also means I'm finding someone who wants me to do good. and wants the best for me without having some commitment like 'dating me'. Therapy also for me means admitting mistakes or asking for help when I feel lost, upset and unsure of whats really going on. It also means that I can sit somewhere's and talk about my problems while also being able to be with someone who can catch me when I'm in the moment of 'unwellness' and take a second and check in with me. Or even help me with mindfulness, or grounding. Therapy for me means life, and the enjoyment of life.


Day 2: How did you feel when you were first diagnosed with bpd? And how do you feel about it now?

When I was first diagnosed with the disorder I was pretty upset. Although I didn't let the doctor know - as I tend to worry others might get upset. Or he might ask me "WHY DID YOU EVER ASK IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA KNOW!" <- Lol. So I never told him I was upset.


I also felt really uncomfortable with myself, ashamed, and really kinda lonely. Mostly because I didn't know anyone with the disorder at the time. and the only place I saw it was tumblr, and I also had a bf at the time who was pretty dismissive of my diagnoses and was more interested in patting himself on the back and was more into his arm chair tumblr style of psychiatry. Regardless of that, and that relationship which I'm tiring of detailing. After I broke up with him and decided I was done grieving and I was going to put on my research hat. So I did.

I started to go to a group that had my peers (Or a bit older) with the disorder I started to feel less alone. Like I could see people who had bpd. They seems normal. They also described a lot of the same problems I had, which removed a lot of the stigma and shame of "Yup I'm the only one!" or "Yup I'm a loser!" but more of a "Ah. I'm not alone" or "Wow. It almost sounds like they are talking about me." which really helped me get more comfortable with even poking the bear known as books and I started to read and learn more. Books about borderline, books about mindfulness, books about DBT. Books about this, books about that. And it really started to stick.

One of the other things I really held on to, even back when I was diagnosed was my doc told me I have bpd because of my childhood and its trauma. The abandonment piece of going to shelters with my mom after my dad and her would break up. (She'd break up with him. Only to get back with him months later) but I would have periods in my life where I didn't have a dad. And there was also periods in my life where my mom was super neglectful, or just abusive. (Emotional, physical, and sexual...) And even when they were together a big chuck of my life my dad was out working for the family. And my mom stayed at home. My dad only really started to stay home after I was 14 and he got in his car crash.

But I really feel like a lot of the tough stuff I went though really did did break up who I am more into sections and I deal with the problems now. I also do really like, even looking back today. That my doc explained it to me as a form of "PTSD". I think that might have been the kindest way I've heard bpd be put as. And I think its really true too. (In my case at least)


Now days I feel really comfortable with the term borderline. I think it explains me pretty well. at least when it talks about symptoms and how that can be displayed. I'm also happy I've been learning slowly about DBT. Cause I feel like that is going to be my biggest fighting chance of getting better.

Self Soothing items I want to buy

One of the things I really like having on hand for me is my self soothing kit. I like having things on hand that I know can help me with my anxiety and grounding. I also know I'm a super tactile person. And recently I've been looking to add maybe two more items to my self soothing kit.  I really like fidget-y toys. Cause when I'm stressed out or uncomfortable I tend to fidget more.

So a couple months back I saw a cube I really wanted. but at the time I didn't buy because it was 20 bucks. I've been looking online to see if I can find it for cheap, and sure enough aliexpress has the very toy I'm looking for, for super cheap!

So thats it. It comes in a couple of others. I like pinkies and purples so most likely this'll be the color I order. I really like it because it has a lot of things to do on it. Which I feel might be nicer then a fidget spinner cause those things have one purpose and thats spinning them. LOL. But this has a lot of different things to fiddly with.  I also know my bf who has ADHD seemed to like it too. (Although he really liked this one that clicked and looked like a small controller) but yeah. I will be buying one of these things this month or next. Cause I think it'll help a lot. 

The second item I really want to get is called Natural oil inhalers.  It kinda looks like a little pen you can put in your pocket or bag. And it just has a bit of essential oil in it. It looks really cool. I'm hoping it'll work. I need to look into it more. But I do know essential oils themselves work for me. And I already carry a small bottle around. So this would just make sure it stays in a easier to get to spot.

Thats what they look like. Kinda like vape pens almost.   But you put the oil in a thin bottle, and then you put a bit of cotton in so it soaks up the oil, and then you put the bit of cotton in these pens. So when you open the pen you smell the oil. 

I also found this interesting. My next part to this task is to figure out a good spot to get a hold of a couple of bottles of oils that aren't going to cost me an arm and a leg. Cause most of the time the bottles are 14-20 bucks each.