My ex

Its been about a month and I'm feeling comfortable enough to start talking about my ex. Mostly because I know he won't be able to call the police on me, or threaten me anymore.  I feel protected by my roommates and my landlord, I also feel protected by my boyfriend and some of my new friends.

He seems to think I abused him and I gas lighted him. But from the parts I've look into to. I  haven't. I kept his secret that he cat fishes people with a girls photo that he found on tumblr.  He sells photos of some lady with her lady bites, and he gets paid.  to be honest, I want people to know this about him.

I tried to get him mental help by asking if he wanted to join a program, I encouraged him to get help compared to just being in his house all the time. I don't feel like I've been abusive to be frankfully honest.  Yes when I tried to commit suicide I was focused on me. I think slicing your skin gives you permission to be selfish. But when I called for help and he was asked to speak to someone he told them I was 'okay' and fine.  and handed me the phone and acted like my self harm was meant to hurt him. Ignoring the fact that I dissociated and I was trying to ground myself.

 When I was in hopstial he called that a 'vacation' .

I started to feel weird in my relationship with my ex around the time I was diagnosed with bpd. Mostly because he had this know it all personality, with no degree in psychology. But he acted like he knew I  had bpd, and it just confirmed that he was right and he bragged about it to me. For me that rubbed me the wrong way, and what made it worst was the fact that I felt really shitty finding out I had bpd. I wasn't glad. I wasn't like oh this is great I have answers. I was kind of like oh okay. I have this thing. Than to have my ex start telling me I'm not hard wired and I can fix my bpd, and he would bring up his Aspberger's any chance he could get to compare about how i'm not suffering like he is. And my bpd can be fixed compared to his aspbergers and I should just be more mindful, and I should be working on getting better more. While ignoring how crumbing it felt and how odd I felt having bpd.

He also had issues with all of my friends and he would tell me he is just speaking the honest truth and if you speak honestly about someone and it sounds bad, it means that they aren't a great person and they aren't trying. So ever single friend I had issues with. Julie my friend he said was to flighty and wanted to find relationships too much, and should have taken breaks. and she is just to relationship greedy and seems to be scared of being alone . Umi had issues she wasn't 'looking after' herself, and when she came over to eat, she ate to much even though she was recovering from an eating disorder. and he asked me to tell her not to eat so much, and it made me crumble inside because I've had ed before, and being told to stop eating is hurtful. It makes it feel like recovery isn't meant for you.  My friend Gayle wasted her money so much. ect. Everyone had problems, and I felt like ever single time I made a friend there was something wrong with them, and he couldn't see them as a good person. he saw them for there flaws.  So this made me feel guilty and like I couldn't find good friends.  So I felt isolated.

I started to find doctors and find help and he told me I shouldn't need too, and I should start sharing my problems with him. When I would do that, like talking about my sexual abuse with my mother, he would bring up his parents and how his mom spanked him and how he hates his mom and why can't I just hate my mother and dump her from my mind like he can. He would basically ignore the sexual trauma and how ptsd works.  Which once again made me feel broken. Why can't I dump my abuser from my mind like someone with Aspberger can. I mean after all they are hard wired, why the fuck can't I?

With my money he didn't want me to spend it, so when I would spend it, it would be in secret.  The one time I spent money was with my friend Umi I bought us a large fry from mc Donald's for us to share before we went back home. We were out pretty late and we both where getting hungry. so we eat, and finally went back home, and when she told my ex I bought her and myself fries he freaked out at me. My friend at the time felt bad and she told me she wouldn't tell him anymore if we brought something to munch because he was intense when he got mad.

He also would hit the wall or bag his head against the wall when he was mad. He said he did it to calm down, but because of my trauma. I took it more as an act of aggressive and I would take it as aggression ever single time. More so because he would start to get loud and angry than he would bang his head or smack the wall when he was making a point.. So for me it never seemed as a way to cope with overloading emotions. It seemed more like a way to be emotional and aggressive.  And I talked to my psychology about it and they said that's a sign of abuse, and to be careful because it starts with themselves and it could move to me being abused.

When we broke up, one of the things that he did was control the only bathroom in the house that had a shower. It was the main bathroom that was also attached to his room. BUT it had two doors. One in the hall way for anyone to enter and one from his room. When we broke up he locked the door to the hall way and started to control the shower.  He asked online on a website and people said it was okay. So he had justification about it. and when I was need a shower I'd have to go on skype and than wait 20 to 30 minutes to take a shower. Mattering if he was in the middle of playing a game with his friends or not. for me this was upsetting because I get anxiety and one of the things that calms my anxiety is water. I remember talking to my doctor about it, and they told me it was fine for me to want a shower and he can't control it. But it didn't matter to him.  He counts the fact that there was one day that I was really not okay, I was emotional and I really needed a shower so when he came to the door after me knocking to tell me to knock it off, I entered the bathroom quickly and he ran into his bedroom and I shut the door behind him and showered. I remember fighting with him and he would always threatened to call the police on me, or say I was gas lighting him.

The time I stayed there I had so many times the police were threatened that I felt like if they came finally I might be able to talk to someone who has logical sense and explain to them I just want a fucking shower, and someone who is logical and isn't on the internet needs to knock some sense into him.

and before anyone asks, I was paying rent, even the month I moved out I paid for rent. I paid for rent for may, and moved out may 3rd. The day I told him I was moving out, may 2nd my ex said he was kicking me out and he was calling the police and getting me find with breaking and entering and trespassing because I was in my own room. I told him to do it.

I was done.

Nothing happened.

The next day I had my room packed up and my friend came over to help me move, the move went well, and than when I got to my new place, my ex sent me a threatening text message, line play message, facebook message, and skype message. Of the same threat, he told me he was calling the police for me trespassing, breaking and entering, and stealing. What did I steal? The key, the key I own for a month.

After that day he posted something on fetlife, his abuse story, and he said he was anxiety, and he suffered so much. I never once threatened him. I never once said I was going to call the police. The most I said was hey I'm going to a women's shelter, and then found a place to move into. thats all.  I vented to friends about how I felt. I felt helpless.

 I was called a slut by him because I got a spanking by a fellow from fetlife because I needed one for my stress.  He went on my accounts and read what I said to people, he copy and pasted what I said to people to then add to my letter of him kicking me out, and tried to convince my friends not to be friends with me. He tried to make me alone. and he did that even with fetlife offering to give my name out and warn people of me.

I had so much angry. I was trying to move on, I was trying to let us be friends. Yes, I vented. Yes I told people about the stupid shit he was doing because I needed to tell someone. I thought my conversations were private.

 I held back on my angry, I held back on making his life fucking shitty. I used ever ounce of energy I had not to flip shit at him. and yes, with everything I went though I feel like him calling me his abuser was a slap in the face.

I find it sickening that this guy calls himself a dom. I find it sickening he is looking for a slave. He can't even take care of himself. how is he suppose to look after another human being?