update

My week has been pretty good. I mean I've been really depressed lately and I'm not sure why. But other then the depression. I've been good. I've been trying to go out for walks, and I've also started to plan to eat healthy. I'm going out to buy fruit soon.

Last weekend I hung out with my boyfriend and his daughter. My friend also came out to visit Victoria and she ended up hanging out with me and them. It was really exciting and fun. We go to feed seals and hang out, and do cuddles, and show affection to each other. I also got a girlfriend so I feel excited and happy! So now I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I get to see her this weekend too. >W< I'm so excited and happy.

after the weekend and my girlfriend went back home I went out shopping to buy new shoes. 

So now I have light purple converse. they are really cute and they also are really comfy so I like them. I haven't wore converse since high school. 

I also bought this really cute pokemon thing and sailor moon cards.

Quote

“The most beautiful people I’ve know are those who have known trials, have known loss and have found their way out of the depths” -Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

bpd question

I have a question and its kinda simple I think. I haven’t been able to ask in my local support group because I haven’t been able to find the words to ask and explain without sounding nuts, or a way to word this without making it really triggering. Its like I feel like I need to tiptoe around it, plus I’m worried people are going to judge me heavily for it. So I thought asking online might be better.

But I was wondering if its normal for people with bpd to want to be a little girl? Or looking for away to fill that urge?

To preface this I’m also a victim of sexual abuse as a child and I also didn’t get to have a complete childhood as I had to grow up rather quickly. that and I moved a lot as a kid so I didn’t get to keep friends for long. I don’t think I’m so much into DDlg as its more of a filling of an emptiness I never had as a child. I find that I’m not really in a sexual place either when I get in that place.

Its just more finding a zone that I’m comfortable with being in, and when I’m in that space, its only when I feel extremely comfortable and not stressed but rather happy. I feel like I get also more into a childlike in the imagination sense.

I guess I was just wondering if this happens to anyone else? And if this is normal? and this also what people call there inner child?

oddities

I really like oddities. I like stuff like dried and dead crabs, that have been cleaned out so there meat doesn't smell bad, or like big chucks of coral, or skulls, bones, butterflies. I'm not sure why I like this stuff, I just do. I like it, its interesting. 

n-n

face cleaner

So I bought this facial cleanser in hopes of helping to fight my acne. I've been using it for maybe a week so far and I do feel like its helping. Its helping clean up pores. I do notice I'm having issues with white heads right now, but its been cleaning up all of the black heads which is nice.

 I've been living with a breakout since I've been with my boyfriend and the bumps make me feel a bit ugly so I've been trying out this stuff to see if it helps. It does make my face feel cleaner and I do notice the change. I also do like the cooling feeling it gives to my skin when i'm done using it.

It feels really refreshing and I feel like its a good skin care product so far. :)

Make myself into a magic girl!

I grew up watching lots of magic girl anime. From Sailor moon and Card Captors, to Mermaid melody to Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne. While watching magic girl anime, I've always wanted to be a magic girl myself! I like the idea of fighting crime, saving the world, and being basically a good person. Which is the basic message for most magic girl animes.


Magic girl outfit:

I feel like my own personal dream outfit would be a gymnatics leotard and makeup, my hair back in a really cute bun, I feel like it would be cute with braids and wispy bits. I also like the idea of soft makeup,and sparkles. No fake eye lashes. I think she'd have pale skin and basically look like me. So brown hair and blue eyes. Full-ish lips, high cheek bones. <3
Her Fighting Style:

I think her fighting style would be the grace of rhythmic gymnastics, but I feel like she'd still be powerful. I feel like she'd be able to do flips and be able to catch up to bad guys and be able to jump on them with a lot of force and be able to knock them down onto the ground. :) I feel like she would also be able to use her ribbon like how wonder women uses her rope. n-n


Her Magic tool:

I feel like her magic tool would be a really lovely, ribbon rod. I think it would have a gold handle and it would be studded with purple gem stones. I feel like the ribbion would be shades of purple like on the leotard. <3

inspires

Ever since I joined my bpd group, I've been really inspired. I feel like I'm going to be able to do things I want to do. Even though I have bpd, anxieties, clinical depression, and ptsd. I feel like with all of that I'm still a capable person. And I also don't feel as hindered by the drive to keep going.

I suppose I've always felt kind of like I wasn't suppose to really have a drive from the communities I was apart of before. Like looking at tumblrs community of people with mental illness, or having friends that have mental illness. But they don't plan on getting better. They plan on sitting in there illness. Either its sitting all day long on a computer and never functioning. Or using the excuse that they got mental illness so they can't go out and do things. I think also tumblr does get you to celebrate doing things. But its so focused almost at always been in survival mode, you never get to reach recovery mode and you know, want to work on skills. Like DBT, CBT, Mindfulness, Self care. ect.

It makes it seem like reaching out for help is okay.

removing toxic people from your life is okay.

Having goals is okay.

Like that (tumblr) community is kind of toxic with healing. Those goals tend to be viewed as "ableist".

But for me being in a group with adults that struggle, get kicked down, struggle a bit more, fight, and keep going with there life has really inspired me. Seeing people who suffer from the same mental illness be able to get up and have energy and be like, I'm living my life for me, and I'm not giving up. Really inspires me. I hear people go out traveling and I hear people getting degree's, owning businesses, or having pets, successful relationships. Battle other illness like the warriors they are. It really inspires me.

It makes me feel like being someone with bpd isn't a horrible fate, and it doesn't feel like I'm never going to be something/someone anymore. I feel like being of my group I'm able to figure out my goals and to feel normal. Like my uncertain about myself, my life, and my emotional and mental state is normal.

Style I really liked

I wanted to share about a style I really like for doing up your house. Its called Shabby Chic, I've also seen it referred to as "romantic cottage". I really adore Shabby Chic for decor. Its really cute and super girly. 

Its also really neat because it uses more vintage or antique like decorations. The point is to make it look old and worn but not gross and useless. 

There is use of pastels, flower patterns, lace, tea stained fabric to give it the old look. Also some earthy colors can be used.  

Its really cute and I just wanted to share. :)

Pride

Yesterday was Pride in my city. It was my first time going to pride in my city and I was wondering what kind of pride my city has. I've been to a big one in Vancouver. but I had a lot of fun. I went with my boyfriend and his two friends. I got candy, like suckers and I got a few tattoos. I also got a sex box. xD

I wish I had something that was rainbowed but I just had on a cute dress and I had makeup on.

I liked the parade, for such a tiny town it was pretty huge. There was so many people, but there was still room to stand in the front if you wanted too. It wasn't super crowded which was really nice and super pleasant and it didn't make my social anxiety freak out!

I felt really proud.

book haul

Lets talk about books! So a couple of days ago I bought some books for myself. They are self help books.

I bought books for some topics that have kind of popped up for me and I want to be better equiped with info. Two of my  books are on BPD, both are survival guide type of things. I haven't read them, but I have read reviews for them. The survival guide is suppose to be really good and be really helpful with people with bpd. It also is suppose to have tips about how to deal with a really low period. The second book on BPD is called BPD Demystified is about the treatment of BPD. Like the treatment of bpd and so on.

 I also had bought a book on abandonment so I can start to read about abandonment. I deal with Abandonment a lot, and I think it would just be nice to learn and understand where abandonment comes from and some ways to help cope.

The last book I bought is called Waking The Tiger which was for trauma and PTSD which I thought I should buy. It helps me understand what happened to me and how to deal with it, and understanding trauma helps.  

Old Camera

I really love old classic cameras. They are so neat looking, and they are so different compared to our now a day. I really like them. The photo above is mine and its my old video camera. Its really neat and the lens route. 

I really like collecting old cameras.

Hiking

I've became more active now. My boyfriend and I have tackled a couple of hiking paths out here, and yesterday we did another one.  We tried to do one that was to hard for me, it was really steep and I ended up feeling really bad, but my heart was pumping way to fast and I was getting dizzy. So we did the trestle instead. Which was still steep, but it felt a lot shorter and my heart wasn't giving me as hard of a time.  We also got to pass a water fall.  I really enjoyed it. 

I'm really enjoying hiking. It feels so nice to go out and be active. I feel more alive when I go out and do things. I also just feel happier. I think going out more is going to help my recovery. 

My week has been good. I didn't really spend any of it at my place. I spent most of my week at my boyfriend's. He had time off of work so we hung out at his place for the week. It was super nice oh my goodness. We did a few things during his break and it was relaxing.  I really liked the time we spent together. It was also just nice because I didn't feel as pushy or like we need to hurry in order to enjoy our time, which sometimes happens to me.

On Monday we went to Vancouver. We just went for a day trip, I always forgot how much energy we spend in travel.  But once we got into Vancouver we went to the mall that I like that has Diaso. I really like the mall too because its never really busy compared to some malls in Vancouver which is really busy and they are kind of overwhelming to walk around.

I felt like a happy kitten when I went to Daiso, I felt like I was in heaven. I wondered around and I bought so much stuff. I bought candies, and cute things, and craft things and lots of things. My boyfriend also bought a couple of things too. 

This is one of the candies I bought. It was really yummy. Its a little salt-y at first but its really yummy.

I did buy a few cute little space things, but I mostly bought cute craft things I needed/wanted. I also got some things for my critters. 

Tuesday we made tacos and hung out at home. We also started to watch Castle in The Sky. It was really good

(Our tacos)

and then wensday we went to sooke potholes, which was so much fun. I got to climb and explore and walk though water and play in the water.