I'm now 24!

Today Is my birthday, I have turned 24 years old.

Today has been a really good day, a super relaxing day. I've just spent it at home, I started new meds this weekend so it was also nice to just have a day with just the meds and getting all cozy, plus its my birthday so why not. Apart of me wished that I had something to do, but honestly being at home and doing nothing is pretty good for a birthday too. Sometimes doing nothing is just as great.

 I also get super excited on my birthday. The idea that I've lived another year just excites me. It also just feels special. So happy birthday to me. I feel happy because its another year I've lived, and I haven't given up. One of the things that keeps me going is the goal of seeing all of my birthdays. Is that strange?

Yesterday I went out with my boyfriend and one of our friends, we hung out around town and did some window shopping, we went to some geeky stores and looked at manga and other super cute things and basically just talked about anime. I think we also are going to be watching Madoka Magica as a group somepoint in time. I'm not sure when. We also looked at one of my favorite toy stores, it sells just vintage old toys, and weirdly enough also monster high dolls. They always look so out of place in the store. But yeah, It was nice,  we saw these really cute my little pony stable things. But they were miniature!  I think it was from the 1980s. We also saw a super super super old and cute polly pockets.

I also went out for sushi yesterday for my early birthday,  It was super yummy, I just got some salmon and I also got a veggie roll. It was super nommy! I also got to try some spicey sashimi too.  I'm also really happy because sushi is always a treat, and it always makes me feel happy. We also went to this new place that opened. It was called Grace Sushi or something like that. It was really nice, it was a small shop. But it was really nice. 

 I also got myself what is in the picture below:

I bought myself two bracelets, they both are made from real stone. The purple one is amethyst and the black one has lava stones. I bought them yesterday as an early birthday gift to myself. Together they costed 10 dollars. I think I'm wanting to wear more stuff like this.

Oooh, and for my treat for tonight, I bought myself a white chocolate bar. Its really yummy, but I haven't ate it all. I had one and a half squares. I wanna try and save it.  Also my family bought me a pre-paid card thing for 50 bucks for online, and now I'm like hmm, what should I buy.

But yeah, I had/am having a good birthday. <3

Not For Them

With recovery one of the things we learn is to make goals, achievable goals. Self-love goals. You see people around you, your loved one, friends, family, teachers, and doctors.  These people do care, and the simple reason behind this is because they don’t want to see a young person die, they don’t want to see someone they know die, they don’t want to see someone they watched grow up die, and sometimes people just want to be selfish enough to feel like they aren’t ready yet to say goodbye. And those feelings, those thoughts of those people. They are valid for them to feel. Express.

 You see all these people who tell you they want the best for you. You have people who also tell you things like “If you had died I would have never met you” “If you were never born, you’d never be in my life” “I would never realize how I can love someone. Regardless of whom the person is.” And so on...

When we choose, when I chose to recovery, get help, seek professionals, take meds, learn skills. A huge part of me did it for people, my friends, family, at the time for a different lover. These things I did was meant for other people, Yes a part of me saw this as something I should do for me. But a huge part of me did it for people. For fear of no friends, fear of not having someone to love me…. I felt like people would just…. Drift away from me.

But when you make goals to please other people, you realize these people aren’t going to be as proud until you get to the goal they have set for you. There expectation is different than yours. Not everyone is like this, and this isn’t a bad thing. But it’s the way people are.  If you see someone who is depressed and they never go out, people expect a 180, and anything other than that means you aren’t trying. Which is disappointing and its really angering.

The worst part about this, and the part that hurts the most is when these people no longer feel like waiting is something they can do, they can easily walk out of your life. Which leaves you at this question: Who am I even doing this for then?

If people tell you “I’ll talk to you when you change” it hurts, because these people see no change, even when you do. And these people will only ever come back when you realize you no longer need them, and in fact you never needed them.  Which brings this back to the question: Who am I even doing this for?

You, yourself. You are recovering for you.   

Recovery is never meant for someone else. Wanting to heal from depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, anxieties, the list goes on. It’s never about someone else, those people, they aren’t going to live your life, they aren’t going to be you. Yes, they get seen with you. But that is different.  That’s a presence.

You at the end of the day need to feel good with being you.

You Matter.

Your recovery is meant for you. 100% its for you.

Recovery and what you go through, the struggle, the stuff you dealt with before you got help, those don’t impact those people on the same personal level.

if you self harm, and you have scars and you family sees them they might be concerned, they might be ashamed, They might worry about you.  But that doesn’t mean that these people were somehow present within your mind, within your thoughts as they oozed out.

People can show concern, support, love. And love those people back. Those people can show you respect.
Show it to them back, but never forget yourself.

You come first. Recovery is for you.

Never recovery just for one person, do recovery for you. 

One of my fav songs for winter

This is one of my favorite winter songs.  I like it because its super cheesy and yes, it makes me think of winter, and it also for some reason makes me think of the winters in Ontario. So I do picture myself singing this and having a house, and having my SO singing this with me. I also like it because it can either be a male or female singing it, and its just really classic sounding. <3

And I adore this video btw. And the first womens outfit is utterly stunning, Like oh my gosh.

Butterfly Tattoo

I'm pretty aware of the butterfly project, and I really love it. It helps a lot. If you don't know what the butterfly project is, its something to help people who want to hurt themselves. Either that person or a friend, family member or SO can take a pen of any kind and draw a butterfly on the persons skin. For as long as the butterfly stays its alive, and if you cut/self harm before then you kill the butterfly, but if it fades the butterfly lives. Its kinda cute, and I've had a few butterflies and each of them have passed 'properly' and I think getting a tattoo of a butterfly on me might help me a lot with my urges of self harm. So, I've been thinking about is getting butterflies tattoo'd on me. 

I think two butterflies would be cute, and I know I want one to be purple because its one of my favorite colors. 

tree

This is the tree outside of our pouch, well the top of it. I think this might be were the tree frogs are living? :3 I like the tree so I wanted to share it.

Sea Glass Trade

I'm going to start doing a sea glass trade with people who want to send me a sea shell in exchange. I might also do it for other things, i'm not sure. But I know I want to at least do a sea glass exchange for some really pretty sea shells I can't find locally. Sea glass is free to find, It'll just cost money to ship, and I have small pieces and big pieces, and also an assortment of colors too. :)  I think I'll just stick to shipping the smaller pieces. People can then get more compared to just a few really big pieces.  

Newest Fav Anime

Recently I watched a new anime, It was called YuriKuma Arashi, Its really cute. I would totally suggest it, and without ruining it, Its a shoujo ai anime. Which means its about lesbians, I thought it was really cute, and the show it self was a little upsetting. I ended up crying. Its really cute through and there is a happy ending. They also have bears and super cuteness in it.  

As you can see. I also like it because even the bears don't look detailed (meaning there eyes) Its still really cute.  I notice a lot of people do complain about this anime because there is no males in it, but I think its became really normal for shoujo ai/yuri to be more focused around the exclusive females deal with when they are found out to be gay.  Males are more likely to just sexualize a female/female relationship, meanwhile women are more likely to be creeped out or uncomfortable by it.  

But anyways, the anime is really cute, It made me really happy watching it. And its really sweet.

And Lulu is my favorite character. Shes utterly adorable. 

And I totally wanna one of my make my calico critter cosplay now as Lulu. :X 

Lolita Meetup

This weekend I'm going to a lolita meetup and swap, I don't think I'm going to dress up in lolita, I think I'm going to just stay cute and normal because this is a selling swap, and as much fun as it is being cute. It'll be hard I think to deal with all of the frills and feeling unable to move.

I am selling a skirt, and two dresses I no longer can fit, I'm excited because I hope I can get something really cute for myself. I do keep thinking I want to try a sweeter version of lolita but I don't think it would suit me. I do know I wanna find some more classic lolita pieces which is what I mostly look forward too. I also hope I can have some left over money from going to the swap and getting myself a necklace I've been wanting for awhile now.  *(wicca related not lolita related.)

I feel a little nerves because I've stayed out of the lolita community for awhile. Anxieties and stress just make me want to hide from things I want to enjoy, I also am rather scared people are going to like me, or are going to think I'm this horrid person or I look horrible when I go to the meetup and stay away from me.  I don't know why I get these thoughts but they are so uninviting.

I hate them.

I do think my meetup will be good. I feel like it'll be okay. I know a few people who are going, and I know in the end I will be happy, either with getting an item or money.

But yeah, I'm excited, and nerves and a little confused! BUT I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE LOLITA MEETUP.

Hair Cut

I want my hair cut like this, It looks so cute. I haven't had my hair cut professional in a long time, the last time I had it happen was when I was being a hair model. And I think I would like to treat myself at some point to a hair cut, And yes, this is Gillian from Practical Magic (Actress is Nicole Kidman). Which is one of my favorite movies which I enjoyed on halloween btw. But anyways, I love that cut and style, I like also how it has some length and also some shortness.   I do love the color because I love having red hair, and I do want red hair again, but I want to keep my natural hair color for now. The temptation is so bad through. I might dye my hair next year in like Feb, or maybe march.

But  I also want the blunt bangs because they seem really cute.  I've always had the side swept bangs, but I would like to try the blunt bangs.

I'm still trying to grow my hair out, but I would love to get a hair cut as I grow it out. :3 I think I might wait through until my hair at least can touch around the breast area before I get it cleaned up and cut to a style.

November 3rd

Hello November! This is one of my favorite months, for a few reasons. One of those reasons is it gets colder which means apple drinks and hot chocolate! These things also have a taste, I also like it because it starts to get nippier out which means I feel more alive and I also like it because its perfect holding hands weather. I get sweaty palms so the chill weather is kinda nice.

 I also find scents in November smell really yummy too, like hand creams and stuff.  I have two things of hand cream I'm excited to use. November in my city also has a lot of rain which is lovely because I adore the rain! I know for Nov because its slowly slipping into winter I do wanna get some more colorful sweaters because our weather is going to be so gloomy soon. But for now I just have a blue and purple sweater I adore.

I also am excited for November because its my birthday month! Which means I will be getting 5 dollars off of my frozen yogurt after my birthday! Which is yummy... *drools* I kinda hope I can get one of the flavors I really like, oooh like pomegranate. I also am looking forward to my birthday! I'm going to be 24 this year, I would really like to get a gift from my family or at least speak to them on my birthday, maybe. But I don't know really know what else what I want to do for my birthday. At least yet.

I do have my eyes on some gifts I would like, just some calico critter stuff or a new 3ds game. :3  Or something else from here: Wishlist Link

Right now I'm mostly just super silly excited for turning 24. I'm always excited to know I've somehow survived another year and I have lived. I also think I did do my goal I sent out for myself before which is at least knock a few things off of my bucket list before my next birthday, so that also makes me proud.