Not For Them

With recovery one of the things we learn is to make goals, achievable goals. Self-love goals. You see people around you, your loved one, friends, family, teachers, and doctors.  These people do care, and the simple reason behind this is because they don’t want to see a young person die, they don’t want to see someone they know die, they don’t want to see someone they watched grow up die, and sometimes people just want to be selfish enough to feel like they aren’t ready yet to say goodbye. And those feelings, those thoughts of those people. They are valid for them to feel. Express.

 You see all these people who tell you they want the best for you. You have people who also tell you things like “If you had died I would have never met you” “If you were never born, you’d never be in my life” “I would never realize how I can love someone. Regardless of whom the person is.” And so on...

When we choose, when I chose to recovery, get help, seek professionals, take meds, learn skills. A huge part of me did it for people, my friends, family, at the time for a different lover. These things I did was meant for other people, Yes a part of me saw this as something I should do for me. But a huge part of me did it for people. For fear of no friends, fear of not having someone to love me…. I felt like people would just…. Drift away from me.

But when you make goals to please other people, you realize these people aren’t going to be as proud until you get to the goal they have set for you. There expectation is different than yours. Not everyone is like this, and this isn’t a bad thing. But it’s the way people are.  If you see someone who is depressed and they never go out, people expect a 180, and anything other than that means you aren’t trying. Which is disappointing and its really angering.

The worst part about this, and the part that hurts the most is when these people no longer feel like waiting is something they can do, they can easily walk out of your life. Which leaves you at this question: Who am I even doing this for then?

If people tell you “I’ll talk to you when you change” it hurts, because these people see no change, even when you do. And these people will only ever come back when you realize you no longer need them, and in fact you never needed them.  Which brings this back to the question: Who am I even doing this for?

You, yourself. You are recovering for you.   

Recovery is never meant for someone else. Wanting to heal from depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, anxieties, the list goes on. It’s never about someone else, those people, they aren’t going to live your life, they aren’t going to be you. Yes, they get seen with you. But that is different.  That’s a presence.

You at the end of the day need to feel good with being you.

You Matter.

Your recovery is meant for you. 100% its for you.

Recovery and what you go through, the struggle, the stuff you dealt with before you got help, those don’t impact those people on the same personal level.

if you self harm, and you have scars and you family sees them they might be concerned, they might be ashamed, They might worry about you.  But that doesn’t mean that these people were somehow present within your mind, within your thoughts as they oozed out.

People can show concern, support, love. And love those people back. Those people can show you respect.
Show it to them back, but never forget yourself.

You come first. Recovery is for you.

Never recovery just for one person, do recovery for you.