Fears

I’m about to pour my heart into a post.  This is how I’ve been feeling lately and I feel like I really just need to be able to put this into words.  This makes me feel really weak too. I’ve been fighting to recover but I feel like I’m not going too if I do what I want to do.

I’ve been having nightmares about my rapist going to the aquarium I want to volunteer at. I’ve been having nightmares that he’ll show up with either a girlfriend, or a lady he is about to shoot. (I have no idea if he still shoots. I hope he doesn’t) but I’m worried about him showing up at the aquarium, and harassing me. It’s a place I want to go to, but I keep having nightmares about him showing up and harassing me. Either just by verbally or physically.  I’ve had dreams when he has beaten me up. I’ve had dreams when he has just verbally harassed me. I’ve had dreams when he has told people that I was a liar and just trying to get people who I work with to hate me. None of this has happened; this is all in my head. But this is what I’m thinking about. And it’s stretching. I use to be really scared to go out into public because I might see him. It’s almost summer and that fear is starting up again. And it’s going into other parts of my life, like the fear that he might be friends with one of our future roommates.

 I’m scared. He isn’t in jail.  And as much as I want to go to the aquarium and be there... maybe I shouldn’t.  But then I think, should I really let this control me? I can’t let it. But I also can’t hurt myself each day with panic and worry.  

And I mean, maybe he won’t do either of those things. Maybe he would just show up and say nothing and go around looking at stuff with a girl. But I would still feel uncomfortable knowing he is in the same building as me.  I would still be uncomfortable seeing him with someone. I would be uncomfortable to know I feel all of this anxiety and fear and know that he is happy.  As selfish as that sounds.  I don’t want to work or volunteer in a place with the fear that he might show up.