Please Don't Read On a Rainy Day

I'm pre-facing this with a trigger warning: Self harm.

I haven't done self harm in what feels like years. Its something that still nags at me to do. More so when I'm stressed or depressed. I use to do it so I know I could still feel pain and I could remember I'm alive. I get disconnected a lot from the world around me. And sometimes I feel like I'm not even there. Hurting would help me feel grounded again, and that I was real and I can feel things.   But because of what I've learnt, how to ground, how to breath, I have friends that will make me laugh or help me out. And I've learnt better ways to feel alive when I'm disconnected to the world around me. Such as taking a wee bit of food and really just enjoying it and eating it really slowly and feeling the texture and just enjoying the taste and getting the sense of 'yum'. Has really helped me.  Self harm is far away from me, its not something I even want to do anymore. It doesn't 'satisfy' me. To be honest, it really scares me to know that was one of my comfortable coping techniques. I also sometimes wonder how I even possible could have connected it as something I could do to feel better.

I still get the nagging feeling, I get intense pain in the areas I use to hurt. And I wonder if that'll ever go away. But I really don't know.