Confession

Do you ever make a really stupid decision based off of emotions and impulse? Do you ever say things you wouldn’t mean unless someone pressed you the wrong way and you ended up saying more things that you otherwise wouldn’t say?

I have.

As a 23 year old I’ve made some pretty stupid decisions in my life. Wither it be running on frozen water on a beach with crashing waves long off, and the possibility of breaking the ice and falling right in, to screaming at someone I really care about because something within their tone, or the words they said influenced my response back. Most of the time in our heads something says, This is right. This is called for, this is okay, do it. If you don't do it, no one else is going to stand up for you. 

 There is nothing bad with what you said or did. Mine does this to me. I get a voice in my head that nags me on and on and it says I was okay and even right to being rude or hurtful. I’ve said things in my passed that I didn’t mean, and I’ve had thoughts I never thought I would have.

I’m generally an open minded person. And I feel like I’m also someone who is trying to be rather open minded. I try to be that because the family I come from is rather close minded with a lot of things, and I think when you come from a family like that, its something you want to not be like. I see it and it makes me feel disgusted.

But that’s not the point to this.

The point to this is, I’ve made mistakes in my passed and I’ve done some really crappy things. I’ve bullied people,  Or what I feel like might have been bullied. and I honestly don't like it. I've been on the receiving end before of being a bully and in a lot of ways it shocks me I even did bully someone, or hurt someones feelings, or made people feel like they worth less as a person somehow by my impulsiveness and obsessive actions. I have BPD and one of the things I’ve picked up due to my upbringing is feel like I’m constantly being attacked, or being abandon somehow.  Which leads to a lot of problems in my personal life. But I’m not going to get into that.

One of the things I’ve done that was lately that I really wish I didn’t do was be really rude and mean towards people on tumblr. I had a crazy amount of stress and people on that website really are stressful. I think almost everyone on tumblr is obsessed with the website and they are sitting there waiting to jump on the first person who says “na” to something. Myself is added into this list. I’ve  never been on a website that encourages more hate spreading then love spreading. People who seem to be adored by 1000s can really be followed by 1000’s that don’t like them.

But I take away from the point I’m trying to make again by this. Is I made a mistake, my emotions and obsessiveness has gotten in the way and compared to taking a break and stepping back like some of my close friends told me to do, I just jumped right in head first and I allowed all of that negative feelings to take hold compared to being logically and reasonable. 

I feel like almost everyone is obsessed with saying the last word. I feel like almost everyone is looking for that one thing that will “cut someone like a knife”, when they read stuff. And I realize how ignorant and rude it is. I misgendered someone, and I didn’t mean too. I did it in the passed before not meaning to, it was an accident and the last time I did it, it was an accident too. I also was rather ignorant for boosting about how I know there proper pronouns even though I was no longer friends with this person. 

Which is so stupid of me. I should have really just took a step back like so many people told me. Compared to being on edge and obsessively looking and waiting. Checking checking checking is what I wanted to do.  And not just that, but allowing myself to be in an emotionally valuable state and allow myself to get upset enough to get really bad thoughts or start just writing and writing on that website and feeding onlookers that wanted to be apart of drama. I added more fuel to the fire, compared to grabbing a blanket and trying to put it out.

When I would get a number in my inbox on tumblr I would freak out and shake before I answered it. My brain would be like “This is someone telling me they hate me. I know it is.” When in some cases it was people saying they stood up for me, people telling me to stop, telling me they have messaged both sides to stop, people who told me this is stupid and annoying. And yes, lastly I would get a few people who wanted to be shit starters. And compared to reading and replying, thanking or just even deleting the shit starter messages I responded to them. And those are the messages my rage and anger set off with. 

I emotional made posts when I was upset, those emotional posts were also really rude, and sometimes really stupid.    I do seek validation for stuff and I think in part that is what I was searching for when I posted those things. I was looking for people to tell me its okay. And I’m okay, I’m a good person. Its okay to feel hurt, its okay to be upset. Its normal. Because my brain was telling me its not normal and its not okay. My thoughts of suicide had be pretty bad that month due to a number of things and I think that just stressed me out more. Having someone message me saying they were friends with so and so, and my rape didn’t happen upset me. Seeing someone speak about my ex really upset me as well.

In the end, I said things without self control, I said things without thinking about who I am, and how am I going to feel about these things I said when I come down. And I never realized this. Until I came down, and when I came down from being ‘up’ and so hostile. I realized this wasn’t stuff I liked that I had down. I had people who I called my friends tell me on skype that stuff was still going on, which would just inch the issues on more and more. And I would have also never known about what happened to kate if no one told me. Kate didn’t tell me, My boyfriend found the blog and told our friend Kate about it, and the only reason why I found out is because one of my ‘skype’ friends screen shoot it and linked it to me. They also were upset when I said I really had no idea and I asked Kate about it, and she didn't want to reply. And compared to that person just letting it go having them stress me out, which put unknown pressure on me to try and dig and potentially toss away a perfectly okay friend ship because my friend Kate didn't think it was me. 

And I ended up going right back up thinking it was one of those people who picked on me, still trying to do so. And becoming very in raged and well, becoming  really emotional and feeling like I was going to lose a friend. I did drop that skype friend because it started to feel like they might have been the shit starter for the full thing. And yes, in some ways even though I have no proof other than how quickly they were with acting, I feel like that person was someone who made the account. 

I don’t think my bpd is an excuse for what happened, nor do I think my emotional well being is an excuse. I do feel really stupid and like I did more things to harm people compared to anything else.  I think when that first person said stuff to me, I should have just left it and shrugged my shoulders and moved on with staying away from DD/lg compared to diving right into it and trying to feel comfortable in a hostile place which would make me hostile.

And before I start to seek out validation somehow this is for me: Its okay to have feelings. To be offended and upset, ITS also best for you to sometimes just take a step, or five steps away from a problem and just not even go back to it. More so when it has to do with something that can snow ball and become and uncontrollable mess that you just end up watching in horror.  But, Its okay. Your human and you make mistakes. 

I also realize by this post some people might end up not liking me, and thats okay. I'd rather be true to me and get something off my chest that I did than to not say a word. I don't want to be an ignorant person, or a rude person, nor do I want to be a person who hurts people, or puts peoples struggles and personal issues as nothing.