It pains me

I keep having bad dreams about my passed.  It really pains me when these memories come back. A part of me feels really angry at my family. Like everyone. I feel like in a way I was always the enemy when I was home. And I find it utterly strange now that people who once were ready to turn on me, are now turning to me to talk to.

The dream that I keep having the most lately is something that really happened to me. When I was younger I use to get asked, and bugged by my parents all the time on why don't I talk? My parents would say "I was shy once. I got over it" or things to basically say that my shyness is irritating.  In my dream it goes to that, and my parents scolding for being to shy.

And then at the same time, my dream flicks to when I would sit in my room, by myself and start singing to music. I would just be in one of my teenage rooms.  Posters, laptop, all of my manga, and other things that made me feel like I was safe. I would sit there and listen to music, I would be to the point of starting to feel comfortable and I would start to hum along to music and then start to sing.

My one sister would just complain about how annoying my voice is. And how my singing voice sucks and how I'm a horrid singer and yaddy yaddy yaddy. This would get to the point that it would annoy everyone else that was around my sibling that was complaining. So they would start telling her that she is annoying, and she needs to stop. And just let it go. That in turn would make my parents well aware of what was going on, and they'd march downstairs to hear everyone complaining and one person singing and trying to feel okay.

What they would do you wonder? they'd come down stairs to 'fix' the problem. The fix wasn't to tell everyone to calm down, and just leave it alone, the fix wasn't to go and ask me to be quiet, and the fix wasn't just to tell everyone to go outside because being in the house cooped up might be making everyone go a bit batty at each other. No. They would make the decision and think that this is the best way to fix the problem.  What was the fix you might ask?

Well lets just beat the one that is singing. Lets just scream at the one that is singing. Lets tell the one that is singing and shes just annoying, ungrateful and is doing this just to annoy everyone else. Tell her she needs to stop. Tell her you don't even know why you had her. Tell her that you can take her out of this world just like you brought her into the world. Tell her shes just a waste of space and she needs to learn to shut the 'fuck' up.  Ask her if shes singing because she wants to be beaten. Ask her if this is really what she wants while she is being beaten.

 She is me, I had to stop singing. I would be sitting in my room, listening to my music and I'd sing along. Because why not. And my two parents would flip out because my other sibling wouldn't just be quiet.

I would be called names, like a bitch, a stupid slut. For what? Singing.

I would be told that I'm a waste of space. For what? Singing.

I would be told that I'm ungrateful. For what? Singing.

I would be told that my voice is so fucking annoying. For what? Singing.

I would be beaten for 'annoying' my siblings for what? Singing.

And these are the same fucking people who would then stretch their head and be like, huh. I wonder why my kid doesn't talk much. I wonder why my kid doesn't wanna hang out with us? Why does my kid sit in the basement?

The biggest thing to this is this is something that has stuck to me. Even now I feel anxious singing by myself. I feel like if I do, I'll hear the same echoing voices of my sister complaining, and then the angry foot steps, and then the screaming and hitting of my parents. And me hearing the unforgivable words.

People can say "Oh my god, get over it. It happened years ago. YOU'VE ALIVE SO IT WASN'T THAT BAD."  And this is what saddens me. Everyone expects what you learn from school will be passed forward and you'll remember it. Just like all of those useless math details you learn, or that your teacher who taught you the ABC's fav season was spring. People expect you to remember the good things. The things you learn. Those 'treasures'. Those happy memories that can be tucked away for a rainy day. Or a sad day.

But what people don't put into this is your brain remember things. The human brain has three parts to it, and we don't control all of it. We don't, where fear, anxieties and the fight or flight, those get stored in your brain. Just like the "ABC's" Stay in your head.  We are animals, and we do remember things, we remember things that have caused us great pain. We remember it to let ourselves to be alert for the next time.

So when people slip out the words, it happened years ago, forget it.  I don't think they realize how hard that is. Because, Its not that its hard because people choose to remember, its hard because these thoughts need to be worked on. And worked on means going and seeking help.  People need to build themselves back up and remove what they learned before and relearn things. That is the hardest part about tackling trauma.

 It doesn't mean putting it in a bottle, and taking that bottle and putting it into a bottle and so on, and wrapping it up, putting chains and dropping it into the middle of the ocean to forget about it. These memories are there. And you can't simply 'ignore' them.

All of these memories pain me. All of these thoughts and feelings pain me too. They make me feel like I'm helpless and nothing.

I also feel upset when I sometimes post things like this, because I'm worried my family might think I'm trying to shame them.  Trying to point fingers at them, and be like "Why weren't you better?". And yes, it does cross my mind.  But punishing people for what they did in the passed isn't going to fix me now. In the future. Is it going to stop these dreams, these nightmares? Nope.

The damage has been done.