So I decided I was going to do the show us your story thing that's been going around on tumblr. I wanted to show my own story, and a lot of the templates out there didn't really have what I was looking for. So I made my own key. I really suck at doing stuff on paint, so I printed it off and I decided I was going to color it by hand.
So this is my story. It's a personal post. And please note this isn't everything. This is a 'my story post' and I don't want to trigger myself. So I'm only going to say what I'm okay with.
Self Harm: I use to cut on areas that have wrinkles, and their own lines creases and folds. Basically any spot with a bend I'd hurt there, it would look nothing out of the normal. I use to go for the heels of my feet. I have no scars from that. I also don't have many noticeable scars that other people can see, but I can still point them out. I do have some on my wrist but most people can't notice/don't notice them.
I also use to pull out my hair. But I stopped that when I was younger. I thought cutting was more effective. Now adays the only thing I do is bruise myself still.
I also think ED in part would go on here. But it's such a monster, and I don't know where to put it. I don't know how to color it in. (I color the mouth, but to me its not just that...)
Burn Scars: I have a few accidental burn scars. Family related.
Abuse: Most of what you see on is from my parents but it's not limited. I've been in abuse relationships too, the ones that make you feel like if you get out you'll be putting them in danger or even your family. I had a boyfriend threaten myself, and my family when if I ever broke up with him. Along with his personal being.
Mentally, psychically and emotional, verbally abused have been done by all parties. (Boyfriends, girlfriends and parents).
By one of my parents standers I was never good enough, never smart enough, never pretty enough, never thin enough. I bruised too easily, I bruise too much, I bleed too much. I eat too much, I eat too little. I'm worthless, stupid, ugly, monster, freak and much more... That eats away at who you are. It can destroy a person. It does hurt a person.
A lot of the physically abuse I've went through happened by my mum, on my body. I use to get beaten with anything that could be quickly picked up, sticks, rocks, cords, shoes, I also use to get choked, and forcefully held underwater. I also was starved when I was younger...
The last little bit from my head is from one of the nights I was raped. This rape (yes meaning there are others - this was the first) took place in my house. I bought a lock for my door when I was 16 in hopes it would stop.
Abuse Sexual:
Rape #1: Age 4-19. Attacker was my mum. I really don't want to get into details, it makes me to uncomfortable. So please don't ask! Someday I might talk about it more.
Rape #2: Age was 16, I was at a bus stop during may long out in Calgary AB coming home from Otafest when I was sexually assaulted at the bus stop in front of my school and when I got on the bus they followed me on and followed me mostly home. I didn't know them, they smelt like beer they came off as drunk and they tried molesting me on the bus. I tried reported it but no luck.
The police officer that I ended up talking to because I wanted to report it had a face of I don't believe you. Compared to entering it into his computer he just wrote some stuff down on paper and said thank you. When my mum got an idea of what happened she told me I should stop dressing like a slut, and people like that can find others left overs. A friend I had at the time also commented and told everyone in the school about it...
Rape #3: Age 17, with boyfriend at the time. Attacker, age 17. This happened a few times in that relationship, I got out. I broke up with him. The relationship was hard because it wasn't just sexually abusive, it was mentally, he told me If i ever left, or if I ever told anyone he'd kill himself. He call me and cry on the phone sometimes saying he would kill himself because he felt like I was going to leave him. And get into details about how he plans to kill himself. I was in a long distance relationship. The first time it happened was because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of sex. I wasn't ready. He wanted to and he won.
The police officer that I ended up talking to because I wanted to report it had a face of I don't believe you. Compared to entering it into his computer he just wrote some stuff down on paper and said thank you. When my mum got an idea of what happened she told me I should stop dressing like a slut, and people like that can find others left overs. A friend I had at the time also commented and told everyone in the school about it...
Rape #3: Age 17, with boyfriend at the time. Attacker, age 17. This happened a few times in that relationship, I got out. I broke up with him. The relationship was hard because it wasn't just sexually abusive, it was mentally, he told me If i ever left, or if I ever told anyone he'd kill himself. He call me and cry on the phone sometimes saying he would kill himself because he felt like I was going to leave him. And get into details about how he plans to kill himself. I was in a long distance relationship. The first time it happened was because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of sex. I wasn't ready. He wanted to and he won.
He also offered on my behalf before that I'd suck off some of his friends.
Sexual assault #4 Age: 20. Attackers age, late 20's early 30's. A local photographer and I went to a shoot during the fall of last year, he didn't rape me, but he sexually assaulted me during the shoot. He molested me. After I didn't agree to the shoot going to nudes because it wasn't talked about before hand. He than threaten with nudes I have of myself that he got. And I slipped and he over powered me.
He also snapped photos of it because he had a his tripod set up, and it took photos as he hurt me...
Accidents: I was always quite careful growing up, I was raised to be afraid of the world. The only few times I remember hurting myself would be:
1. When I was with a friend and we were at story book park. I was racing her, we where running to get ice cream, I tripped and fell into a pile of really small rocks, and some glass, I got up and my knee was bleeding and there was a floppy piece of skin hanging from my knee. and some yellowy flesh... I remember my friend screaming. And feeling cold, and having blood run down my leg. I didn't feel it. I didn't notice. Until I looked down. I didn't go to the hospital in time, I was suppose to get stitches but I didn't. They couldn't. It took to long for me to get there. So in stand I got bandaids put on it, and it cleaned up. My mum also tried to help by trying to rip at the piece of floppy skin and pouring rubbing alcohol on it. I got in trouble for bleeding on the bed.
2. When I as in grade 8 I witness two car crashes right in front of my eyes. One of them had to do with a school bus and a car. During the winter there was black ice and it was no ones fault, the little car went out of control and they slide right under the school bus. I remember standing there waiting for my light and seeing the school bus turn and than this little car fly right under and get stopped... there was blood and liquid from the car everywhere's None of the kids where hurt but the driver of the car died right at the scene. I knew him... I was asked to stay by.
The other one I was involved in. Also on the way to school, me and a friend were walking together and she stopped to tie her shoe. We were at a four way stop with lights and she told me to go ahead. So I started to cross the after looking both ways. I saw a black truck that was dropping off his son, while another truck came out of no wheres driving fast. The guy that was dropping off his son got into his car and went in the right of way just like I did and as he did that, I he spotted a red truck that come plowing down the road and he slowed right down as I froze still. Scared. The red truck drove right into the black one. They both stopped moving and I was hit, slightly by the truck. The driver in the black trucks body was destroy (car body)..
3. I was baby sitting my younger siblings when I was 19, and when I fell down the stairs and broke my foot. I slipped the step and fell directly on my foot as it bent under me. I heard a loud crank noise and felt a lot of pain. My mum and dad walked in as soon as it happened. My mom said it wasn't a big deal and said it was nothing. I didn't go to the hospital until I said I'd hoop there myself in -20 weather. She than came with me to the hospital and the full time complained about how boring and tiring and stupid it was. and she didn't want to be there. After I got xrays taken she proudly tried to tell the doctors she knew it was hurt, and than when they offered to give us crutches for my foot, my mum told the nurse yes, please. And than told me we are going and I don't need them.
4. I broke my finger during basket ball.
2. When I as in grade 8 I witness two car crashes right in front of my eyes. One of them had to do with a school bus and a car. During the winter there was black ice and it was no ones fault, the little car went out of control and they slide right under the school bus. I remember standing there waiting for my light and seeing the school bus turn and than this little car fly right under and get stopped... there was blood and liquid from the car everywhere's None of the kids where hurt but the driver of the car died right at the scene. I knew him... I was asked to stay by.
The other one I was involved in. Also on the way to school, me and a friend were walking together and she stopped to tie her shoe. We were at a four way stop with lights and she told me to go ahead. So I started to cross the after looking both ways. I saw a black truck that was dropping off his son, while another truck came out of no wheres driving fast. The guy that was dropping off his son got into his car and went in the right of way just like I did and as he did that, I he spotted a red truck that come plowing down the road and he slowed right down as I froze still. Scared. The red truck drove right into the black one. They both stopped moving and I was hit, slightly by the truck. The driver in the black trucks body was destroy (car body)..
3. I was baby sitting my younger siblings when I was 19, and when I fell down the stairs and broke my foot. I slipped the step and fell directly on my foot as it bent under me. I heard a loud crank noise and felt a lot of pain. My mum and dad walked in as soon as it happened. My mom said it wasn't a big deal and said it was nothing. I didn't go to the hospital until I said I'd hoop there myself in -20 weather. She than came with me to the hospital and the full time complained about how boring and tiring and stupid it was. and she didn't want to be there. After I got xrays taken she proudly tried to tell the doctors she knew it was hurt, and than when they offered to give us crutches for my foot, my mum told the nurse yes, please. And than told me we are going and I don't need them.
4. I broke my finger during basket ball.
Other: This is for the emotional trauma I endured from when I was younger to the present day.
My tears, my anger, my hopes and dreams.
Now, I still find it hard to show emotion because of fear from letting one into my own mind. Mostly, I can hear voices saying, to me, “You’re stupid, you’re worthless, not worthy, death is your best option,” Etc. I’m scared to get close to a lot of people... I have fears of talking to people, having them get to know me. I fear of having children.. and that feeling(s), they aren't very pretty.
My tears, my anger, my hopes and dreams.
Now, I still find it hard to show emotion because of fear from letting one into my own mind. Mostly, I can hear voices saying, to me, “You’re stupid, you’re worthless, not worthy, death is your best option,” Etc. I’m scared to get close to a lot of people... I have fears of talking to people, having them get to know me. I fear of having children.. and that feeling(s), they aren't very pretty.
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