My Calendar

So yesterday I went out and did some shopping. I needed to pick up some food and I also really just wanted to go outside. It had just freshly rained and I love the smell after rain has came. (I like the smell during rain too.) So it just felt really refreshing to go out. When I was out I picked up a calendar for this year. I wait for along time until they go on sale, and now I have one! 

I bought a ragdoll calendar. 

Its really cute. Last year I had Killer Whales, this year I have super cute and fluffy cats to look at each day. 

Alan Rickman

Its been awhile now since Alan Rickman has passed away. (he passed away on the 14th of this month) and I've been wanting to make a post about him because I really loved him as an actor but I always feel like I'm at a loss for words and apart of me just wants to sob when I think about the fact that one of my favorite male actors has passed away. Alan Rickman was one of the first male actors I had a crush on. I remember being 10 or maybe 11, when I first watched the harry potter movie and he popped up on screen. I really liked him. I watched all of the harry potter movies because I found him the most interesting actor I had ever saw. 

As I went on to figure out that he wasn't just Snape, but he was a bunch of different people, I was interested in finding the movies he was in to watch them. Some of my favorite movies I saw him in was Sweeney Todd, and I thought his singing voice was amazing. I also really liked him in Perfume, and I really really liked him in Sense and Sensibility.

I was also shown that he read a really lovely poem 2 years ago when I was in English upgrading.

I really love his voice because its so calming when he reads. I'm also a big fan of Shakespeare and I was so excited when I found out he did a reading. And I also just found a playlist of him doing all kinds of readings. Which I'll probably listen too when I'm anxious.

I also really wanted to send him a letter to try and get an autograph from him, but I ended up never doing it, and I feel kind of sad I wasn't able to, because I wasn't able to tell him I really did like his work and seeing him in movies, even Sweeney Todd, it made me feel happy. I felt like he always brought life to a films and he was one of the first people I've ever met that made me realize living is important and there aren't just bad people in the world.

All I can say now is if there is a life after death, I hope he knows there are people out there that really adored him, and that he made me feel good when I watched his movies or listened to his singing voice. I also hope when ever I pass away I will be able to meet him then. Because I'd really would like to thank him.

RIP Alan Rickman. You will always be missed.

I also hope your wife and family are doing okay with the loss of you.

My First MMO!

So I finally got to play an MMO game and my first game is blade and soul. I've enjoyed it so far, Its a lot of fun. Although I do find it a bit tough to go around on the map. And some of the stuff is a little hard. But I'm enjoying it so far. I made a character on there, shes below.

Shes a summoner fox girl. She also has a cat. I like it so far. I named my character Hologram because thats what my boyfriend calls me sometimes. (I find it cute.) It also wasn't taken which makes me happy. I called my cat Lucy. I named my cat after my kitty that I don't have anymore. Lucy didn't look like that. She was a turtle shelled tabby.   I like it though because my cat in the game gets to look after me, just like lucy would. (Not in the same way, but Lucy snuggled me)

I'm having fun on the game so far, I've been playing it ever day since it came out. :) So I just wanted to share. 

Self Diagnosing

As someone with mental illness I find it really problematic and really dangerous when I hear that people are self diagnosing themselves with mental illness or even personality disorders. It really scares me because I feel like some people just push themselves to the most trendy mental illness and it feels like people than don't understand the process of being diagnosed with a mental illness, or a personality disorder.

What also scares me is when someone clings to a disorder and then they start to act out other traits of that disorder to try and show they have it more. The negative behaviors, or symptoms. This scares me personally because I think people are so fixed in trying to feel comfortable with being in a mental disorder group that they do anything to be apart of it. I also notice this as really dangerous too, because even if you do have depression, if you partake in the depression behaviors you can also make it worst. Like if you know you get depressed so you seek out more depressed people to feel accepted and all they do is talk about killing themselves, hurting themselves or putting up negative thoughts all the time, its not going to help that person recover or it might also push them into a less safe spot with their depression.

 I think there is a difference between being self aware and diagnosing yourself with a mental illness. Being mindful and self aware is totally fine, if your noticing problems or your noticing things that aren't right with your body and mind thats fine.  I think its important to keep those things in mind, just don't plug them into google and attach yourself to what google gives you. I think its also important to than talk to friends or family about it to see what they say. But also ulitmately listen to yourself. (Because not everyone is supportive with mental illness or a personality disorder..) and seek professional medical help if you think you need it. especially if its a mental illness that can be treated with meds, because it'll help take down some of the symptoms while you work on skills.

Another problem I notice with it, with depression for example, if you think you have it, and you google it and google says yeah you do. It might make it harder for that person to seek out help, there are loads of sites with information and its so much info at once that it can over load you, Not to mention blogs, and other sites that they have different opinions and there is also different types of depression... and its just, its so much.  Its also really hard because there are terms like Major depression, seasonal depression, and manic depression. Which all sounds like different levels of "depression." But they aren't. Clinical doesn't mean "server" and seasonal doesn't mean "moderate".

A lot of mental illnesses are defeating, and I remember when I was diagnosed I was asked how I felt about finding out I had my mental illnesses or finding out I have my personality disorder and how does that make me feel? And honestly it made me feel a little bit defeated and a little bit broken. I also felt like it made me weak, even though I thought I was strong going through everything I've gone through, it felt like the diagnoses were saying I was weak. And I think thats also just the way I saw mental illnesses a lot. I never really saw it as something that happens because of trauma. I saw them more as a sign of weakness. I guess thats also just because of the only form of info I had on mental illness was the "emo" movement/fashion.

So sometimes I don't think people are really mentally prepared. Also knowing how the media has portrayed a lot of mental illnesses it might not make people feel comfortable with knowing what they have.  Especially stuff like depression, or anxiety, ect. I mean I think a lot of people grow up with the idea of media taking a hold of mental illnesses and saying "Oh well that person is just an attention seeker" Or "That person is just crazy". I mean how many mental illnesses have we heard about on the media that has been true? None. Its this person is crazy, that person just wants to be skinny, that person is just sick and twist. Also with how media portrays mental illnesses its almost always given to someone who is a problem character. We don't tend to see good characters with mental illness, or personality disorder. Its always the disliked character.

My biggest problem with self diagnosing is sometimes people get really fine with the idea that they have something, I also notice sometimes people go for the biggest forms of the disorder. Compared to have depression, people might be like oh well I have manic depression and they tell people, but they never speak to a professional, which is also really scary when you think about how many people pass away due to their mental illness and commit suicide.

I do think that people who are noticing problems with there mental health should always seek help, and I think its important to be self aware and seek out help, but I just really find it scary when people self diagnose and than don't seek help.

Kimonos

I've been looking into kimonos, I know when I was younger, around 14 I really wanted to get a kimono to wear. The most I ever got was this really cute Chinese dress that I use to wear sometimes, but mostly at home. 

I still want a kimono to wear some day, I love the dress of it, I love how it looks and just the colors and the layers that are wore. I just find it really lovely fashion. I also realize its really expansive so I think I would only ever buy one I really adore.  

I really like the kimono furisode style the most, Its also the fashion that unmarried women wear.  I feel like If I ever got a kimono I would either want to order it from a really nice kimono website,  preferable only from a Japanese website. Or if I ever go to Japan buy one there and wear it in japan around an area that I wouldn't stand out as a sore thumb around. I feel like it would be really lovely to go to a festival that a kimono is okay to wear too.

I also know out here, well on the mainland they also have really nice Japanese celebrations and some of my lolita friends have gone to them before while wearing a kimono.

I really love the look of purple kimonos. If I couldn't get a kimono, or it was just to heavy to bring back to Canada,  I probably would also get a yukata (which is a summer kimono, which is lighter and made out of a different fabric, cotton and it also has less layers.)

Like above is a super lovely yukata! 

Day 8

Day 8 – How old are you? Do you like being the age you are?

I'm 24 years old! I like being the age I am. I think sometimes I get a little sad because I'm 24 and I have other friends who are married or have kids, and I'm neither. I'm not married and I don't have children. And I guess it just makes me feel sad because I'm not living the same life as a lot of the people I know.

I also feel sad because I'm not yet in the field I wanna be in. But I'm really happy with the age I am. I'm doing school to get into my field I want to be in, and I'm in a good relationship. So that makes me happy. And someday when we move, I will get a fur baby. I also have a lot of freedoms as a 24 year old and I feel more comfortable and more confident being at this age than I did when I was 21 or younger.

skin picking

I wanted to write a post about something I deal with.  I'm okay with talking about this to a point, because its something I deal with. Its also something I wanted to stop doing but I haven't had luck yet stopping this. Its not an easy thing to stop. 

The picture above is of my face healing. I deal with a skin picking disorder. I pick a lot when I'm stressed out or anxious about things. I also pick when I'm depressed or upset about something. Or if I'm in pain, or basically any other mood other than happy. I pick because I'm not pretty, I don't have good skin, I'm really ugly, or because I'm not a good person. I pick because its a way to deal with my mental illness and its the only way I know how. When I pick at my skin I feel like I'm getting rid of things that cause my problems. I feel like when I finally do pick at something I'm letting go of stress and its some negative enforcement therapy. If you can't guess. Its really painful. It also gets really bloody. My ex use to not want to talk me out after I would go through these big sessions because I would look like I was beaten up by how red my face would be. And he was embarrassed being seen with me.

I get those feelings for myself, which makes me want to pick more.  Its so frustrating to deal with. I don't really get good skin days. Most days I feel really ugly and after I pick, after the rush of feeling like I've done something good for the day, which is physically hurt myself, I feel worst. I feel like such a freak. I also feel upset because this is something I can't stop doing. I'm scared of scarring myself really bad. And I worry about what people think about me with my face looking like that.

I pick at my skin until it gets sore and the skin goes red, or it bleeds. Sometimes I won't stop until my skin bruises. Sometimes even after its bleed I feel like it still isn't cleaned out so I'll re-pick at it.

I wish there was a way to deal with it. I wish there was a way for me not to pick at my skin and just let it heal. I also know my ex of all people thought it was just an easy habit to stop, and its not.

It makes me feel like a really ugly person though.

Day 7

Day 7 – Do you like sports? What are your favorite sport?

I don't play sports. But I do like some. I really like watching pole dancing, figure skating and gymnastics. And my favorite sport is probably pole dancing. Its so lovely and graceful! I really love watching it.

Hair update!

I wanted to do a bit of a hair update. I'm excited because my hair is getting longer. I don't know if people can really tell, its hard because my natural hair is really poofy, and I don't like straightening it. (Idk it feels gross when its like that.) But this is its current length. I still want to get it at least passed my breasts. I want to feel like a mermaid goddess all the time.

But I finally can braid it, so thats good!  I really wanna dye my hair ginger again. I miss having ginger hair. I think that might be the color I dye my hair next. I miss having the lovely color!

That is the ideal length I'm thinking of growing my hair. That way I can wear it up in cute styles and otherwise just let my hair be long and wild! :)

Day 6

Day 6 – What do you do in your free time? 

When I feel up to it, I go out and do some photography. I'll take pictures of local areas that catch my eye that are lovely and full of plants or interesting objects. Its winter and rainy so I don't tend to take my camera outside during this season. But I do have older photographs I've taken and posted on here or on my facebook. :) Much like photography If I feel up to it, I'll also go on walks and go on advantages, hang out with my friends or go to the beach and relax. (Not the best idea when its raining and really windy! That being said I totally want to go out storm watching and see huge waves.)

If its not photography, then I read, listen to music, watch movies or documentaries or play a game for my 3ds. I also sometimes color. I also blog on here and I reblog things on tumblr and just check my social media. (Because I have nothing better to do!) 

:) I feel like that might be everything.

David Bowie

When I first found out he passed away I was sad, I only have seen one more he was in, and I thought the movie was lovely. It was Labyrinth and I thought that movie was just really stunning and I thought he really suited the king. But that being said I never looked much more into him, I found out yesterday I have heard some of his music and I did like some of his songs, but again, I didn't know of him. I wasn't a fan, I didn't actively seek out his movies, and music. But When I found out he passed away I felt like saying RIP was good. Because someone passed away, someone was loved by his friends and family, and his fans. People are hurt by his loss, I can only imagine the pain his wife has to deal with. And I also know he died from cancer. So I do believe he should rest in peace and I think his family and friends have the right to mourn, the right to feel sad, and the right to grieve.

I wasn't in the day and age when he commuted his crimes,but from googling it seems that it was even illegal than to have sex with a minor.  Which really makes me feel sad and at the same time angry at myself for even thinking that RIP it okay for someone how did things like that. And at the same time it makes me feel like I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

I also feel like people should be aware of what he did when he was alive, and I think people shouldn't sweep it under the rug as 'oh well he is dead now' or 'it wasn't like now.' or 'everyone had sex in that day and age.' I think its important to note the negative things people do, especially when its a crime or a criminal offends.

So I guess where I sit with this he should rest in peace because he was probably going through pain due to his cancer and I think his family and friends should be given respects because they lost a loved one. But I think its also really important for people to know what he did, because it was a really bad thing.

I think the other thing is this: You can forgive people, that doesn't ever mean you need to forget what they did. Or feel like what they did no longer hurts you, or angers you.

But those are my thoughts on what happened.

Day Five

Day 5 – Have you ever met a famous person? Who was it?

I don't think I've met a famous person. I would love too, but I haven't yet. :) I wish I had more to share on this. I can think about the people I would like to met that are famous, and the list is huge. But its never happened.

DBT update

I've been doing really poorly with keeping up with my wellness planner. I've started it last week, but its not a habit I have yet, so its kind of like, yeah, I'll do it! But than I never do? Its so hard to get into a new habit to be honest. Its like me trying to get into taking meds everyday, that at first felt really weird. And I know when I started to feel better I would stop taking them. (Not a good thing to do!)  Now I'm better with my meds, But its just the process of starting something new sucks.

I keep wanting to do it, but I forget to in the end. I think I'm going to do it today though. And I'm going to try and keep writing in it. I also did buy myself my first DBT book, so hopefully I can learn some DBT skills. :) My planner also has different stuff to see if your doing other DBT skills. So far I just really want to work on mindfulness and slowly pick up other parts and use them. I don't want to over whelm myself.

But my work book that should be coming in tomorrow looks really great online.

Day Four

(I missed the last few days, but I'm going to treat today as day four.)

Day 4 – Where do you live? Have you ever lived in another country from where you do currently?

I live in Canada! Its really lovely where I live as well. I live on Vancouver island. But no I haven't lived in another country. I've lived in other provinces in canada. And those places are all very different compared to where I live now. The city I live in has a different vibe compared to some of the other cities I've lived in!

I would love to live in another country. Sometimes I think about it, or at least traveling would be really nice to do.

BDSM FILMS!

Warning: This post has adult themes so I wouldn't suggest reading this post unless this stuff floats your boat.  :) 

 A lot of people in and outside of the kink community know of the movie called "50 shades of grey" and it has been heavily judge and put through the hoops of proving on why this is a not safe bdsm movie. And with this I can say what has been said is perfectly correct and I agree with most opinions of why 50 shades of grey is a horrid kink film. 

This post is going to be pointing out other kink films that also have huge flaws, and have abusive or rape undertones. I will not be linking trailers to these movies, if you are interested in them, please go seek them out yourself.  I'm also only going to be talking about the ones I've saw.  (I can only think of two real ones right now. :P I might also put the ones I've been told to watch as well.)

The Pet. 

The Pet was done is 2006. This is a movie about "pet play". I'm putting pet play in quotations because this is a very odd take on pet play. As soon as you start the movie, in the opening credits you see images of women being naked, screamed at, being branded, hung upside down, and it also has kidnapping themes. After you get through the credits you get into the opening which is just odd. I think it does let you know what this movie is going to be about. But I just wanted to say Pet play isn't like that. Some people are into branding. But kidnapping isn't something that happens with pet play. If that happens to you, its called human trafficking. But anyways, in this flim after the dark opening you see this girl. She sells flowers. She looks plain, normal. Cute. Her animal passes away. And shes upset, her boyfriend and her break up. And shes more upset. Shes sad also because she can't pay for a way so her cat can get buried and this strangely nice guy is like "I'll pay to get your dead cat buried" which is sweet. So this young women who adores her cat takes the hand of kindness and this fellow goes off and buries her dead cat.

After they buried her passed away cat, he opens up saying he lost an animal too. Which I think is them trying to create character interaction and having things in common. So these two characters go into his house and they walk and talk. But this is where stuff gets odd. This is a movie about pet play. Where is the pet play going to come in? Oh just a second. You'll find out in a second. So this fellow is like 'Yeah I've been looking for a new pet' and stuff, they go into a room that is suppose to be a shrine to his dead dog. And as he talks about how he wants a pet, he walks over and picks up his dead dogs collar and puts it around the girls neck. He than tells her, that for a short time she could be his pet and she would be pay a lot of money. And with this offer she says okay, and he asks are you sure. He never tells her what this calls for. But this girl says okay. So he gets excited and says something about how he is glad he has a new pet. And than he tells her  stripped naked,  not to speak, only make dog noise, use the bathroom outside and sleep in this persons dead dogs cage. 

The creepest part of this movie is when this guys friend comes over, who was shown in the opening as the kidnapper and brander meets this "dog" and says she would fetch a good price on the market. Which really does point to the direction this movie is going in, and with that all I can really say is, you find out that she gets kidnapped. And her "owner" goes on the hunt to find her and save her. 

Romantic right? This movie... Its just. It angers me so much.  This movie bugs me for a few reasons. One the opening. You already get the feeling this is going to be a dark and twist movie. I wouldn't call it pet play. I would call it a movie about a guy who was grieving picked up some girl who was also grieving the loss of her animal, was put in an odd place. And guy who lost his dog had some really BAD friends.  

What also bugs me is this guy is aware of what his friend does. "train"  the "dogs" he finds. I'm just like, oh my gosh. No. This isn't a bdsm.  There is no consent. The guy who lost his dog OFFERS money to keep this women 'his'. She was working at a stand selling flowers and she picked to do something that would get her paid more. He prayed on someone younger then him, and was really emotional not in a good place. I'm not even sure if the writers knew what pet play was. 

The Secretary 2002. This is a movie I do enjoy watching from time to time because it has maggie gyllenhaal in it. But this movie I think is another movie that people in the bdsm community either praise as great, or not that good at all. I feel like this was the original "50 shades of grey". And its better than 50 shades that was shown in 2015. 

This movie I feel like tackles a bit too much, which Is why I have a lot of problems with it. Its a movie that is trying to tackle the dominant and slave "relationship." But its just added way to many other things to the cocktail that it comes out as really rushed and not the best. 

So alright, this film I feel still has dark undertones, but its a lot different than "The pet". This movie starts off with the main female lead character getting out of a mental hospital and her mom comes to pick her up. This character at the start you can tell has some problems of some kind. She struggles with something. You end up finding out what shes struggles with quickly when you see her mom hide knives on her, just to be "safe". This character battles safe harm, and you find out she has a self harm kit. 

One of the other things you see with this character is she tries to figure out how to be a women, so she goes off and applies for work, her mom drives her around and she tries at places ontop of places. On her way home she notices a lawyers office and thinks to herself, why not! So she goes in and applies for work there. As this women, who once again I'm going to point out was release from a mental hospital comes into the office. She sees the passed secretary walk by crying with her stuff in a box and then she meets Mr.Grey. She ends up getting the job, and shes excited. When she starts to work she fines it really stressful, and at some point, she ends up cutting herself, and her boss sees her. And compared to him addressing it, or trying to get her help, he starts to pick at her flaws. Points at things he doesn't like about her, and tells her these things need to change.  

She starts to change herself to make herself more accepted by him. And this all goes fine, she gets a crush on him, and her habit is still there, but I feel like we don't see it as often. Then one day she ends up typing up a letter, and this is were the bdsm comes in! she gives it to him, and he notices a problem again. And he realizes what he say before isn't going to work, so why not try a hands on approach. So she gets called to his office and he tells her to bend over the desk and starts to spank her... then a few weeks by and he doesn't lay a hand on her, so she thinks she needs to find another way to get this 'discipline', and when it happens, he decides well spanking wasn't enough, so why not come on her?

And from there this is where the bdsm relationship kind of starts but its not really address as a relationship.  

So I'm going to open up here and I'm going to say something. When I self harmed and if I do self harm, its a form of self punishment, and this character that Maggie played as basically found a different way to get punished.  This character was looking for away to get hurt without possible getting locked up again. I think this is really shown when she goes to his office and sits their in a wedding dress refusing to leave until he comes to get her. For me, I think it really does show that shes just found a new way to hurt herself. I don't really feel like its bdsm.  She wasn't safe, and she wasn't sane.  I feel like she was just a very emotional person that was abused. 

I also find Mr.Grey really angering because he noticed she self harmed and he took advantage of her a number of times, and didn't really do anything to help her. He just used her, and he probably did the same thing to his ex-worker that left in the start of the film. 

A Dangerous Method 2011. This is a film that I really do enjoy. I like it because its more of a movie about psychology, and the birth of psychoanalysis oh and 'you just want to fuck your mom', Yup. Classic science.   

Compared to the movies above I didn't really find anything in the movie problematic. I guess the worst thing I could say is they do have the fact that one of of the scientist takes the women as his mistress and breaks up with her, and than the other guy takes her as his mistress.  

This is also a historic movie, because its based off of history, and the clothing and setting is also historic and its trying to show us something that happened in the passed. I wouldn't call this a bdsm film. I think a lot of people label it as that because of the spanking. (I'm also wondering if people are then paying attention to the story line.)  Also the first spanking scene was explained as the young women when she was younger her dad would beat her until he couldn't anymore. When she was little. It was also something that the women felt like she needed. (She took control of the scene I feel like) and in the end she didn't need it anymore and she ended up making herself into a better person. 

So for these last two I want to say they aren't bdsm movies, Just like "A Dangerous Method" people just seem to categorize them as that, which really really really really really angers me. But I only watched these movies because people labeled them as "BDSM" films and told me to go watch them.  The theme is taboo but taboo doesn't mean bdsm.  I'm not going to look for picture art for these two, because both of these films makes me feel so fucking mad.  The first movie is "Lolita". We also see a lot of fashion inspired by that movie. (nymphet fashion is based around what the little 14 year old girl wore). This movie doesn't sit will with me. There are hundreds of reasons on why this movie shouldn't be romanticized. When I watched this movie I was so mad. There was at some point I got up and left the room, I couldn't deal with it anymore. There is so much multinational in this film its crazy.  There is murder in this film, rape, and kidnapping. There is a sexual predator This film isn't a kinky film. This film is a scary film to be honest. I'm at a loss for this movie. Just.. Just go ask google. Google knows why. 

Meanwhile in American beauty there is a lot of ... ugh its focused more around a father fantasizing about his daughters friend.  This movie is also really gross because it shows the level of the friend not seeing why its wrong, and the father trying to figure stuff out.  even the fathers daughter tells him its sick, and she says the same thing to her friend.   The best part of that movie was when the dad was killed. Its just... Its a sick movie. 

(We need to look at something calming)

Credit: http://cupcakecrusades.tumblr.com/post/104209536276/guuuuuuyyssssss

So My thoughts? I think its utterly upsetting to see that BDSM films get made are more focused on putting bdsm as this dangerous scary thing to try. Our society is still trying to make bdsm seem unsafe and unsane.  One of the only things I can say about these movies is they do show the unhealthy and scary side of bdsm when you give someone control who shouldn't be getting it. Some people do go through abuse when they partake in bdsm. But its not exclusive to bdsm.

One of the other things that bug me is all of these movies seem to have the same kind of theme. What theme is that? The idea that the male just jumps right in to be the dom, and more so that a guy can just point at a girl and order her around for sexual harassment and nothing bad will happen. I think even if it was switched I would still be mad because work place sexual harassment is once again something that happens in the real world and it shouldn't be romanticized! but they seem to base themselves around the guy getting what he wants. 

I think one of the other sad things is how many people tell me to go watch this bdsm film and that and how many of these films have really dangerous themes. 

I would really love to challenge hollywood on making a healthy bdsm relationship. Not tackle themes, or dynamic types. Not go for things that look "hard", edgy, or cool on the screen. But just make a movie about a normal couple that have been together for awhile and they get along well, there is no abuse, and have that couple explore some bdsm, Because honestly thats how a lot of bdsm starts. Not in the work place and not because someones pet has passed away and you want to replace it. *shakes head*. 

It would also be nice just to see a movie with No abuse, no stalking, no rape, no kidnapping and basically not trying to harm someone for personal gain. Even more so with this kind of movie.  

Moco Moco Friends!

I've been playing this game yesterday and today. I bought it yesterday on my way home after I slightly stressful day. I ended up getting a discount because I traded in a game I don't play and I don't plan on playing.

I really like this game so far. I was first interested in the game because of the cuteness and girlyness of the game. The main character you get to play as is Moco, and you just got out of school and you are under training of a plushkins master.  In the game it explains the point to be a plushkin master, which  is one to collect plushkins but also to bash evil warp holes that can take control of plushkins in the surrounding areas and make them evil. Shock!

Its a fun game. I really like it for that reason. You also can only befriend plushkins that want to be in contract with you.  

Moco is a cute character, I'm sure some people might find her annoying but I really like her, shes a really humble character. She wants to look out for the plushkins, help people in her village, make contracts with super cute plushkins and bash evil! Oh and eat. Eating is really important to Moco.  You'll notice this quickly if you pick up this game, and how much food matters to her!

*Moco and her Neko Staff* 

She does have a very Catty partner. He is called Neko, and well he is.. a cat staff. He talks a lot, he also have the power to take Moco places. He also is able to help Moco remember what she needs to remember while she goes on her way to become a master herself.  I think he also does balance the characters out. He is a bit of a sarky character.

I haven't gotten to far into the story yet, but her master is a interesting character. She does seem to have another plan for Moco, its just moco doesn't know about it. And the story itself makes you guess. The only character that picks up on her is the kitten staff. And I think thats more because they are friends.

*Moco's Master*

I also just wanted to take a moment so I could point out HOW cute the plushkins are. Like how super cute they are. When I find a new one,  I get so excited and I'm like "Omg he is so cute! I need it! I hope it makes a contract with me! " They don't always, but its okay.

They are kind of like, walking, talking, fighting stuff animals. They are cute. When they get damaged in fighting they get tuffs of cotton coming out of them.  (Which makes me feel so bad) But they heal after ever battle, and if a wild plushkin makes a contract with Moco It also gets healed! 

. . . 

In a way this really makes me think of digimon. I've never really played pokemon so I can't say anything if its similar or not. But it really makes me feel like I'm playing a digimon DS game. Which is really nice. Because I miss digimon.  

This game is a really good one. I haven't finished it yet. But I can say its really good, the story is interesting, I don't want to ruin anything. But the plushkins keep getting cuter, and its just a really nice calming game.

Oh I really like the music too, and if you turn the speakers on, you can hear Japanese. Moco and everyone speak Japanese to each other! So its a pretty neat to hear that. 

Day Three!

Day 3 – Do you like to cook? What’s your favorite food? Are you good at cooking? 

*Food I've made* 

I do like cooking, but I don't do it was often as I use to now. I've fallen into the habit of just having pasta with tomato sauce for dinner now adays. I do miss being creative and interested in my food more. I'm not really sure why I'm not as interested in making diverse food.

One of my favorite foods is just sea food dishes.  Anything sea food is just really yummy for me. And I love fish dishes with something like fresh veggies. Its like, amazing!

I am really good at cooking. I also really like to cook. Its really just a relaxing for me.

Positive Self Talk?

Do you ever feel like there is a little voice in your head? I do, I have a little voice in my head, and it goes and goes everyday, it picks at everything that goes on. The way I look, what I'm doing, the situations I'm in. It just goes and goes and goes. It gets really overwhelming. This voice does a few things for me. One of those things it does is pick at everything I do. I do my hair up, I look horrible, I leave my hair down, I look horrible... Its like with this voice everything I do, everything I try to do is wrong.

Me: I have an idea! I wanna go eat ice cream! Lets go get ice cream.
"Other" me: No, Why the hell would you want ice cream? You're to damn stupid to eat ice cream. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why the hell would you want to eat ice cream, ice cream is meant for people who are deserving. You aren't.
Me: Oh... okay...

Thats one situation, but its always going. Its the second guessing, aggressive voice that wants me to feel down, and crummy about myself. Its the side of me, that would probably enjoy pushing me in the mud. This also is the same side that goes into the abusive mode of negative self talk. As shown above. Yeah its really negative. And when it isn't in the middle of name calling, it just makes... it makes unwanted suggestions.

Like I should...

• I should kill myself
• People wouldn't miss me if I was gone
• Its better I do it
• Ect...

I realize I'm talking like this is a separate being, someone I could easily walk away from. I could just be like "You know, I hate it when you talk to me like this, And I'm tired of it. So I'm just done. Bye." So I realize it could sound like I have some detachment.

But one of the things that I noticed a few days ago, is I was talking to some workers that deal with women who have seen abuse at some point in there life. And I was talking to this lady, my case worker. And she was like "I want you to think of a second. Who does this voice sound like? Do you know anyone who uses those same words" And I realized. Its my mum. shes living inside of me. I've let this women ruin my life, and now I have apart of her within me.

One of the things I was also told, well suggested. Not told to do, because when you are healing, when you are talking to people. People can only suggest meds, they can only suggest methods. They can't force you. But none of the less of this point, Is I was suggested to maybe try some positive self talk. And it made me think, what is positive self talk?   I was told I could try some things, like telling myself I love myself, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm smart. And I realized also these are the same words I seek from other people to say to me. Although when people say it, it makes me feel funny. You know?

So with this, I'm thinking. Maybe I should start thinking more about positive self talk. When I do something good, tell myself I did something good. If I don't do something good, be like "Well its okay, you did the best you could!" and focus more on making myself feel better. Maybe this will remove the negative voice too. Maybe this will keep my mothers voice at bay. Maybe. I hope so.

Day Two

I'll do day three in a bit. I missed yesterday! I was too busy yesterday. I was doing a lot of running around yesterday.

Day 2 – Do you have any pets? If yes, what kinds, and what are their names? If not, why don’t you have any pets?

I sadly don't have any pets right now. All I have are plants. The building I live in doesn't allow pets. If I could have pets I would have them right now! :) I really want a pet cat, or a snake cat! (ferret)

Day one! Whats your name?

Day 1 – What is your name? Were you named after someone else? Do you like your name? 

My real name is Sarah. I was named after someone else, I was named after my great grandma, her name was Sarah. I have something from her that she sent me in the mail when I was really young, I still treasure it, and I also have her middle name too!  Also my dad also really liked the name Sarah, and I think he might have also had a hand with naming me.  I do like my name. I think it suits me. 

When I was younger I didn't like it and I wanted to change my name. I'm glad I didn't!

Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn is one of my favorite classic movie stars. I just really liked her. There is something about her thats so lively. I realize she's passed away, but I don't mind speaking like shes still alive, because for me she still is in my heart.  I really like her because of the personality she brought to the films she was in. She always seemed super sweet and slightly goof in her movies. She also came off as really calm. I like it because when I watch movies she in, I feel calm. Its like a connection with calmness.  I also really like the photographs I can find of her, I like a lot more of the life style pictures of her, compared to the ones that shes glamoured up in, but I also like the pictures you can find of her doing plays. 

I also fav a few quotes by her. Here is a couple of them:

• "Nothing is impossible, the word its self has I'm possible"  -> I really like this quote. It has the inspiration to give courage and it also just speaks a lot to me. As someone who suffers from mental illness, I sometimes say things like "Oh this isn't going to happen, this is impossible" 
• "I never think of myself as an icon. What is in other people's minds is not in my mind. I just do my thing." 

This is one of my favorite photo series of her.

15 Day Challenge - About Me

• Day 1 – What is your name? Were you named after someone else? Do you like your name? 
• Day 2 – Do you have any pets? If yes, what kinds, and what are their names? If not, why don’t you have any pets? 
• Day 3 – Do you like to cook? What’s your favorite food? Are you good at cooking? 
• Day 4 – Where do you live? Have you ever lived in another country from where you do currently? 
• Day 5 – Have you ever met a famous person? Who was it? 
• Day 6 – What do you do in your free time? 
• Day 7 – Do you like sports? What are your favorite sport? 
• Day 8 – How old are you? Do you like being the age you are? 
• Day 9 – What are your hobbies? 
• Day 10 – Do you have a religion? What is it? 
• Day 11 – How many languages do you speak? What are they? 
• Day 12 – Who do you live with? 
• Day 13 – Are you a morning or night person? 
• Day 14 – Would you want to be famous? Why or why not? 
• Day 15 – What are five things people don’t know about you?

Fashion: Larme Kei

I found a new style I really like and I think I might try out. I'll keep my eyes out for stuff when I go to second hand shops. But the style is called Larme Kei. Its a Japanese street fashion. I really like it because it seems really pretty, and it also looks really simple and really pretty.  The main point behind Larme Kei is to look sweet, sophisticated and a bit girly. I like it because it seems grown up and mature, but at the same time still really playful and cute. Which is something I do like in clothes.

So what makes a outfit count as larme kei? Well the outfits need to be coordinated, they also need to have a sweet, girly but sensual vibe to it.  For me and what I've seen it seems like its more around softed colors, whites, creams, pastel colors. Not dark defined colors or bright colors. And its not to be mixed up with fairy kei.  I think some darker colors would be fine as long as the outfit is thought out, as for bright colors I could see them working if it was just on one thing. Like a shirt, or a skirt, or a coat. But not really as a full outfit from head to toe of purple. 

I find the outfits really cute. I also feel like this is a fashion I could wear pearls with, without feeling like I'm an old lady or I have to somehow figure out a pinup hair style for. Its a really sweet fashion.  I also feel like this fashion isn't so much about prints, its more about the fabric types. 

Melanie Martinez

I've been listening to Melanie Martinez lately. Her music is beautiful and she also has a super interesting singing style and I feel like she also has a unique way of singing. Shes also super cute! I feel also really happy because her front teeth seem have a gap, Although her gap is bigger then mine, it just makes me feel good to see someone with also gappy teeth.

My favorite songs from her is :

• Mad Hatter
•  tag your it.
• And Lastly Milk and cookies.  

She's really adorable. Also for some reason she makes me think she could have been a character from Paradise Kiss, Which is a manga and anime. I don't really know why I feel like she'd be in that anime other then her outfits are always adorable. I just feel like she would be friends probably with Miwako. 

I feel like she would be super interesting to see live. >W< Maybe if she comes to Canada some day I could see her live! 

Ferret Plushie

For most people, they already know I really like ferrets. They are cute, and fluffy and they are cat snakes. :) They are cute floppy, silly cat snakes.  I really want to have a pet ferret one day, and well... I found something just as adorable as a real pet ferret!

Its a ferret plushie!

Its adorable, it has paws and a cute tail. I wanna get one just to snuggle a bunch. They are so cute and soft.

Earth Quake Kit?

A few days ago, we had an earth quake. It wasn't a super bad one, but it shook the house for a short amount of time and It did scared me. I first felt shaking in the bed, and I thought it was me being anxious, and then I noticed stuff was shaking and I started to wonder if I was just dissociating or seeing things, because it happens to me. I get the feeling also of falling forward a lot even if I'm awake and it scares me. I didn't think it was real until my boyfriend seemed altered by the sound and the shaking.

I'm thinking though, just because earth quakes happen and bad things happen due to nature and it going on its own path. It might be good just to have some kind of kit. To keep us warm and not hungry if the power ever went out. I know we'd be fine with being warm, because we have so many blankets, but maybe a thermal blanket would be smart to do, and then buy some batteries and a few other things. I know I do want to get a first aid kit, and I've been wanting to get one for a few years now.

I miss you Sweetie

I was thinking about my ex's families cat. Her name is Lily and she is a really sweet old cat. I use to always like seeing her and saying hello and then saying good bye before I left his moms house. This cat was my fav, she would come and sleep by me, and she use to purr really loudly around me, and purr when she laid down to lay with me. I get really emotional attracted to animals like cats. So I felt really happy, she also made me think of my own grumpy baby I had. Her name was Lucy and she was super sweet to me, but she didn't like the boy cats and she use to have resting grumpy face, even if she was purring.

But here is some pictures of Lily.

I miss her so much.

Best Pictures of 2015

These are my best pictures of 2015 from my facebook, but I wanted to share it here too because I've talked about my 2015 pretty often on here. Plus I also like all of these photos and it gives people the chance to look into my world.