skin picking

I wanted to write a post about something I deal with.  I'm okay with talking about this to a point, because its something I deal with. Its also something I wanted to stop doing but I haven't had luck yet stopping this. Its not an easy thing to stop. 

The picture above is of my face healing. I deal with a skin picking disorder. I pick a lot when I'm stressed out or anxious about things. I also pick when I'm depressed or upset about something. Or if I'm in pain, or basically any other mood other than happy. I pick because I'm not pretty, I don't have good skin, I'm really ugly, or because I'm not a good person. I pick because its a way to deal with my mental illness and its the only way I know how. When I pick at my skin I feel like I'm getting rid of things that cause my problems. I feel like when I finally do pick at something I'm letting go of stress and its some negative enforcement therapy. If you can't guess. Its really painful. It also gets really bloody. My ex use to not want to talk me out after I would go through these big sessions because I would look like I was beaten up by how red my face would be. And he was embarrassed being seen with me.

I get those feelings for myself, which makes me want to pick more.  Its so frustrating to deal with. I don't really get good skin days. Most days I feel really ugly and after I pick, after the rush of feeling like I've done something good for the day, which is physically hurt myself, I feel worst. I feel like such a freak. I also feel upset because this is something I can't stop doing. I'm scared of scarring myself really bad. And I worry about what people think about me with my face looking like that.

I pick at my skin until it gets sore and the skin goes red, or it bleeds. Sometimes I won't stop until my skin bruises. Sometimes even after its bleed I feel like it still isn't cleaned out so I'll re-pick at it.

I wish there was a way to deal with it. I wish there was a way for me not to pick at my skin and just let it heal. I also know my ex of all people thought it was just an easy habit to stop, and its not.

It makes me feel like a really ugly person though.