Cam girl

I have horrible anxiety and stress, but I also want to be responsible and  be able to say I have a job. So I've started my way into being a cam girl. I'm really slow with it. I've only done it a couple of hours so far. and I've only been doing what i'm okay with. I know I want to make money and I don't want to give stuff away for free. And its been really empowering to be a sex worker.

I kind of really like it. The attention is nice but I also have lots of interesting people who watch me. and we talk about other things, like anime, books, nature, things like that. Which is nice and really different. I try and also speak about things that really do interest me, so when i'm not naked people can still have something to talk about.

I know when I get my first check i'm going to write down and keep track of how much I make. I know my first check is going to be saved for my trip to Vancouver. I also don't plan on giving those people my blogger or anything like that. So I feel okay blogging about it here.

I feel really safe on blogger. I know my family might see this and they might judge. but its my body and I can do what I wish with it.  

School

My school has been okay. I'm almost done my term, and I've had a good term so far. I really like the class because its simple and I really like my teacher too. Shes really sweet, and really understanding of mental health and triggers.

I don't know what to really say, but the class is good, and my teacher is really good and I feel less stressed this term. Even with homework thats worth big parts of my grade I don't feel stressed out.

Hair cut

I cut off all my hair a couple of days ago. I think I look really cute!

Sex

Sex for me has been good in some relationships and in others it was bad and it would make me feel horrible. 

In one of my relationships I had a lot of good kinky sex. I also would get lots of cuddles and kisses, and we would spend a lot of time together before and after sex. It would be nice, and I felt a lot more comfortable in my own skin and I would feel happy and I would also feel really confident when having sex. Sex would empower me and I would feel amazing. I also would be a lot happier days to come.  

I've had another relationship where sex made me feel dirty and horrible. There was no real cuddling before hand, or kisses. And after words it would be me laying in bed hoping I'd get cuddles but soon enough learning that cuddles won't happen and curling up to sleep because I felt depressed and lonely and ugly. I also would notice my self worth would die more and more and I never really felt great in the end. I felt more withdrawn and as I said really ugly.

I've noticed that sex has the power to make you feel either good or bad. The act its self, no matter what you add to the scene is always the same result. Two people with there bodies tangled around each other, breathing heavy and the tense moans and noses, changing to relaxed noses and bodies untangling. While noting that sex can be good or bad, I realize to that the focus is more on the relationship and how healthy it might be.

A unhealthy relationships seem to have, (In my case) really bad sex and in the end feeling horrible about myself. Meanwhile in a good relationship (which had some bumps) the sex was good and I ended up feeling better about myself. 

I think for me knowing this I want to be more picky with whom I have sex with and why.  

planner

With borderline one of the things we struggle with is whats going on with our lives. We do worst when stuff isn't planned out. I know personally for me, having nothing really planned or figured out I tend to spend more of my own money and I run to things that aren't the most smart to fill up my day. So I thought I would get myself a planner, a better one than the dollar store one I have that I seem to loose. This one I got to customize a bit. 

I bought a calendar for the inside and it goes by month.  The back also has a to do list, which I'm going to add rules too. so I can have rules. (I'm use to having rules in relationship and its odd for me not to have any) I'm going to go back next month and buy a couple of packages of year bundles so I can use this planner for a couple of years. 

But yeah. I like the new planner. Its heavy but its nice. I'm starting to add things I need to do, like school, assignments that are due, that kind of thing.  But yeah, I'm giving my life some structure in hopes of it helping me out. 

Planning

So I'm going to start gardening this year. I'm excited, my roommate/landlord has offered to teach me how to garden. So I'm really excited. I want to help out with the garden too if I can. >3> Plus I've been wanting to learn how to garden! AND I CAN PLANT MY STRAWBERRIES. Which means I'll have super noms to eat for the summer.

I want to help out around this place in any way I can. I know I won't be doing a lot in the summer, at the most trying to go to munches and making friends. Maybe finding a boyfriend, I don't know. But I want to pick up some other interests/hobbies. I feel like the more I get better, and the more I get interesting, the more likely I'll find another healthy interesting person. I feel like if I stay closed in and withdrawn I'll probably just find closed in and withdrawn people. Which is okay, but I do want to make some not withdrawn people. Its hard to be with people who are withdrawn anyways because it keeps me in the behavioral pattern of being within my self, compared to seeing and watching the world around me. I don't know. I like being safe, but I also like being able to explore.

Which is what my biggest plan for the summer is. Exploring myself. whom ever that might be.  I know I love taking photos, but I feel like I can try other things. I know I want to try out knitting and I think I'm going to teach myself. (for real, not this, "I think I'm going to teach myself and than never put effort into learning. BUT I'LL LEARN SOMEDAY" type of thing. I've been doing that with crocheting which i'm going to learn too.) I feel like I should learn some other things out there.

I also know I want to become more active with my wiccan stuff, and I want to get back into  baking or cooking. I think maybe I could bake goodies that are gluten free and eat them. Compared to spending the money on gluten free cookies.

I also have given myself a task this weekend, I think I'm going to make a day timer so I can book and figure out when to do what on a scheduled. like a physical, I can see scheduled because I keep having issues with eating, med taking ect, and I'm not being the best with my time.

Day 21 -23

Day 21: everything you wish for in a significant other

Things I wish for in a significant other? Hmm...

for them too... I kind of hope for my significant other to be them. What ever that means for them. I just expect someone to be themselves while in a relationship. I don't really want to date another person who does nothing for a living. I'd rather be with someone that does something. I'd also like to date someone who wants to do other things outside of the relationship. Someone who has hobbies and interests, one that goes out and does stuff. I'm clingy but goodness I'd want them to have a life. I guess one of the other things is I'd want them to be trusting of me. But able to guide me when I need help, and I'd want them to have the nurturing aspects I like. But yeah.

n-n I wish for a person who is happy with who they are. And is able to explore their life.

Day 22: how you judge intelligence


I judge by... how do I judge? I don't tend to judge.
I just ignore people when they bug me.

Day 23: a month/year of your life when you were happiest and why?

Last year during spring I was really happy. Because I was finally doing a course I really wanted to do. (I passed it also.) I was sooo excited for marine biology it was crazy. I also get really excited and happy during the month that my birthday is in. I never really know why, I just get really bouncy and happy, like "I'm going to be a year older, I'm going to be a year older!"






xD but those are two times I've been really happy.





Oh and when I moved out of the house to be with my ex, I was pretty excited then. I was going to be 'on my own' and than be with a fellow I really loved. And I remember that time and I still have post cards he gave me because they are special and they make me feel special. So yeah, thats three times. :D

Day 20

Day 20: what you think makes someone beautiful


I think what makes a person truly beautiful is there personality. Someone could look really pretty or really handsome but could have a horrible personality, which for me turns them to be less of an attractive person. So yeah, personality makes a person beautiful. Same with that person owning up to mistakes they made, that also makes a person beautiful. I just like people being real, it makes them seem more attractive when they are real and they can own up to mistakes and issues they've had in the passed.


(Btw, I'm late with doing these and I have 3 more to do! Oops)

BPD

I have a disorder. Its called bpd.
I suffer from other disorders too.
I have a disorder and I cling to people.
I have a disorder and I get favorite people.
I have a disorder and I fear being abandonment

Because I fear abandonment I smother people so they don't leave me. Which makes them want to take steps back.  The fear of abandonment is my driving force to find someone and really make it work.  Because being forgotten feels worst. Being left behind feels worst.

BPD is something I have. Its apart of me until I can work it out of my personality which I've been doing. But for now its here.  I'm not sure if a lot of people in the kink community have bpd. I'm not sure if people are aware or know what it is. But for me its inward not outward, I don't project it onto people. I try not to hurt people also.

I know people have depression, I know people have anxiety. I know both of those illnesses allow cation for scenes, but I wonder about my disorder and if its okay to say I have it.

food

I really like cooking and I love cooking for other people. It feels like a lot of fun to cook for other people and have them like the meals I pull together. I know for my first Dom/Master, Aaron. I use to cook him these really yummy dinners ever night for him. It was always so special to do. >3> I felt so happy making him something I knew he'd enjoy eating and I would love eating too.

I also really loved cooking with him! He'd cook with me sometimes or help me out. Especially when I get really anal about the pepper cut sizes he'd move me away and he'd chop them.

I kind of miss making someone dinner and waiting to be told how yummy it was and what a good job I did.  But yeah. Here are some photos of the dinners I made in the passed. plus a really yummy cake.  

trust

Trust is really important in a relationship. Without it the relationship will crumb and both parties will be fleeing a sinking boat. Trust for me becomes more defined in a relationship when the relationship goes along. I feel like it also should be there when the couple lives together. Unlucky for me to live with someone who didn’t trust me. He didn’t trust me not to cheat on him, so I went out of my way and gave him my pass words so he could see I wasn’t in fact cheating. Although that bite me in the ass when we broke up and he used that old permission to stalk and see what I was doing and if I was speaking to men already, and called me a slut
because I was.  (not really I was just seeking out a spanking)

Trust was also not given when I would want kisses or hugs, or I wasn’t trusted finically to look after myself. For me this all was shattering. I trusted this person and yet they didn’t trust me.

 For someone to be my daddy, I expect them to trust me. For someone to be in a D/s dynamic with me, I expect them to trust me. But there was no trust.

For me this has been a lesson. One that I needed to learn, but is also makes me wonder if I trust people too quickly and if that’s a bad thing to do.

Fav Movies

• Mean Girls 
• Easy A 
• Clueless 
• Confessions of a teenage drama queen 
• A Cinderella Story 
• Legally Blonde 
• Aquamarine 
• Halloweentown series 
• The Prince & Me 
• Harry Potter series 
• Raise Your Voice 
• Letters to Juliet 
• Kick Ass 1 and 2 
• The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 
• Dear John 
• The House Bunny 
• 10 Things I Hate About You 
• 13 Going on 30 
• Beastly 
• Lovelace 
• Red Riding Hood 
• Step Up 1, 2, 3D 
• Cruel Intentions 
• A Walk to Remember 
• Burlesque 
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower 
• The Princess Bride 
• Howls Moving Castle 
• Spirited Away 
• The Secret World of Arrietty

Day 19

Day 19: your thoughts on your family


The parts that have stayed are the parts I like. I like my family, my dad, my siblings. Those family members I like. I like my dad even though he is a bit of a goof, but I like him because he is my father and I only have one. And even with the goofiness he has, he still is a good person. I really like my siblings because no matter how much we fight, we still can get along. :)


So yeah, my thoughts on my family. They are perfect the way they are. Yeah I wish some things could change. but I know those things don't change.

dates

• Go play in the park with bubble wands 
• Swing on swings and slide down slides 
• Find a local playground or park and play around
• Go see a movie 
• Go bowling 
• Go to an arcade 
• Go to the Aquarium 
• Go to the Planetarium 
• Go to the Zoo 
• Go to the Botanical Gardens 
• Go to a local coffee shop 
• Decorate egg cartons/make egg carton caterpillars 
• Throw a scavenger hunt and use color-coded egg cartons to gather your color-themed findings 
• Try a new restaurant or a different cuisine 
• Make a pillow fort 
• Go for sushi
• Make a blanket fort and have nommy treats in it. 
• Go on a picnic
•  Go to a theme park/fair 
• Go see the fire works 
• Go to the beach Stargaze on a blanket 
• Go camping 
• Go to the park
• Go to a pumpkin patch 
• Carve pumpkins 
• Bake together 
• Drink apple cider, maybe with caramel and whipped cream on top 
• Drink hot chocolate, try different flavors 
• Visit your local library 
• Go eat some apple, pumpkin, or pecan pie 
• Eat or make candy apples 
• Do a neat Halloween paper craft 
• Get some canvases and paint 
• Paint a pumpkin 
• Go to a haunted house 
• Take a haunted tour 
• Tell scary stories 
• Make a scary movie list and watch them all 
• Make some origami animals 
• Visit a hot tub or a local hot spring 
• walk through beacon hill park 
• Go whale watching 
• Feed the seals 
• Go for a hike 
• Go on a ghost walk 
• Go to the game board cafe 
• Go to the petting zoo >W< 
• 
  

yeah thats my list of date ideas so far!

Gluten Free chocolate bars

• Aero
• Caramilk
• Crunchie
• Hersey bars (aside from cookies and cream)
• Glossettes
• Jersey Milk
• Kinder 
• Mini Eggs
• O'henry (aside from the ones with wafer )
• Reese Cups
• Reese Pieces 
• Reese O'henry 
• Snickers
• Toblerone
• York Peppermint Patties

https://www.verywell.com/gluten-free-candy-list-562806

Chocolate bars I can eat. >3> 

Day 15 - 18

Day 15: a song that makes you cry and why

This is one of the songs that make me cry. It makes me cry because of the fact that the song is about abuse and it goes into details of whats going on to the female. I also find the video hard to watch because there is so much destruction while the female picks the path she is going to go down, by getting rid of her boyfriends stuff. Which mostly means shes going to make the choose to break up. I also feel like the video could be foreshadowing whats going to happen when she does throw out the things that belonged to him, and how he might come by to abuse her. So the song is really tough.


Day 16: someone you trust

I have a couple of close friends I really trust and will tell anything to because I feel like they won't judge me. One of them is my best friend I've had since grade 7. Her name is Nessy. (not really nessy, I just call her nessy.) we don't see each other in person as much anymore mostly cause we live so far away from each other. But I talk to her on skype when shes around! :) I really trust her. I think fighting with her so much has made us become better friends. xD (We use to argue as teens sometimes)


Day 17: your idol and why you look up to them

I look up to Audrey Hepburn. She is one of my favorite models and actress. Her movies where so good! and her photographs were lovely. She also was a super amazing person who looked after animals and was also helping people. So yeah, I see her as a super amazing person, and I look up to her a lot. She is one of those people I want to be like.


Day 18: why you made your blog, why you still have it

I made this blog so I can have a place to write and a place to share my thoughts and feelings. I also made it so I'd have a place to write and control comments and not have people reblog what I say. So I like this site for blogging. And I still keep this place as my home because I really like having a blog. It feels nice to have a place to write my thoughts.

Day 14

Day 14: write about something you believe in, anything at all

(I miss this day, I'll do the day I'm suppose to do next)


I believe in ghosts, spirits, haunting, specters, what ever you want to call them. I believe in them. Humans in body a form and I feel like when people pass and they haven't been able to move on, because they were going to do something. Or they are a angry spirit that has been murder or exploited I feel like they can come back as a spirit to haunt or wonder around earth. Maybe its people who passes that are to scared of the unknown so they dwell in a world they already know and are comfortable with. I could see that being a reason to be a ghost.

I've believe in ghosts since I was little and I still believe in them. I feel like because they are so reported in so many other countries and they've been documented all over the world I feel like they are real.

I moved

I haven't posted about this until now, mostly because I've been getting my room together. But I moved a week ago from my ex's place. I got my own room in another place and I've been putting it together. The place I moved to is really lovely. They have two cats already, and there is fish and a really cute bearded dragon. 

My room is in the basement and I really like my room. Its big and roomie. I also feel really safe in this house. I also realized I have a lot of stuff to move. But I'm happy with how my room is, and I'm happy with where I moved too. There is a garden, cute animals and really relaxing not intense people. So this place has been a good move. 

my packing

(I need a book shelf, oh and hai canes. *waves paw at*)

:) Somewhat of what my room looks like.

more photos

Finding Me: A Memoir of the Cleveland Kidnappings

So I finally finished a book I got a few months back. Before I said that the book would take me awhile to read because the topic was really heavy. and it has taken me awhile to complete it. But I find the book really good. I feel like this is a really important book to read because it tells the story of the victims. I like how Michelle Knight addresses her kidnapper as "Dude" and doesn't really use his name. I like that she also doesn't detail him in her story. He is just a dirty fellow. I do find the story horrible and it is a tough read as I said. She only goes into details she feels okay with giving. She talks about her abuse she went though as a kid, and than the abuse she went though with the fellow that kidnapped her. The book it self makes you feel so sorry for the writer and all you want to do is be in that time and find her and be like "Shes here, go save her." The details of the abuse she went though was horrible. The details of her kidnapping, rape and even focused abortions.

Its a tough story, but I really did like it. And I really look up to the writer. She did a good job and I'm so glad she was strong enough to push though what happened.

Day 13

Day 13: your favorite quote


“Because there's nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it's sent away.”
― Sarah Kay

Day 11 and 12

Day 11: the worst advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given?

Worst advice I've gotten was tell my family I cut myself. >.> There response was unpleasant.

Day 12: the best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given?

I feel like I've gotten good advice in the passed I just can't remember a lot of it because now I practice it. I think one of the more recent pieces of advice I got was to skype with someone before I met up with them in person. If I'm going to meet doms from fetlife. I've followed that advice so far. and its been good. I also haven't met up with people who I feel were funny/odd.

Day 7-10

Day 7: a show or a movie that has changed you, and how





Anne of Green Gables Is one of the movies that has changed me. Before I watched it I never really saw movies about girls with red hair, or girls being that advertorials. Before anne of green gables I watched movies like sleeping beauty. Where women sleep, and knights fight and save the sleeping women. I've saw movies like snow white and singing with animals. But I never saw a movie of a girl with a wild imagination or a movie that felt more like I could relate too. I like Anne because she has flaws. She made mistakes, she did things that weren't wise and she took risks.


:) So anne of green gables changed me. I felt normal for being a girl with crazy imagination and wanting to write. For making up crazy stories in my head and falling for fictional characters. I felt at peace to watching Anne grow up and still be huge dork.


Day 8: things that make you sad

I think a lot of things make me sad. But what makes me really sad is when people intentionally try and hurt others. Either its an animal, plants or even people, those don't matter. Its when someone plans to intentionally hurt someone.

Day 9: things that make you happy.



Nature and the earth. (like dirt makes me happy)
Animals and cats purring
The sun
my friends


Day 10: what you think when you hear the words “be yourself”

It means to be who you are and not who you aren't. It just means to be you, and express yourself how you want too. If you want to not wear makeup than not wear makeup, don't wear makeup because society says you should. That kind of stuff is what it means.

Worry book

Because of stress I've been looking for ways to deal with it. I keep getting over whelming thoughts and dealing with lots of anxiety issues. So last night one of the things I did when I was really stressed out is making a worry book. I heard about this kind of book before from the internet and also from peoples vlogs. Just as a space that you can list off or put in detail about whats bugging you and why and allow that space just to be for worries and allow those worries to be expressed in a healthy way. So I grabbed a blank cute note book I bought from daiso years ago, and I filled it out. I put stickers in the book and there is a cat drawing because cats make me happy.

So I just started to list off things that were upsetting me and bugging me in bullet form.  I felt like because I keep thinking about things over and over again I don't need details. I just need the main part. The big part. Whats really bugging me? So I did that. I just listed things that are worrying me. I added things about myself, and how my life is going right now and how its really upsetting for me to deal with everything I'm dealing with. It felt like I was also validating my feelings. Which is really important to do. Compared to trying to just hide them. But in the end when I was done I was able to relax enough to be able to eat a meal. So it helped me. I've also used it a couple of times today already. I just put in my fears and then I'm okay.

My first page title is just "I worry because..."
and then I just put points under it.

http://www.health.com/health/condition-article/0,,20188959,00.html

The part I like about the worry book is it still makes the act of worrying feel valid and okay to do.

Day six

Day 6: something you would like to change about yourself


There is a couple of things I'd change about myself. and some of it I learnt when I broke up with my now ex. I think one of the things I'd like to change about myself and I'm going to actively do it is the way I see situations. I see them from my view only and I don't really see issues from another persons view. I'm very focused on seeing my side and not really the other person(s) side of the same situation. I suppose this is also where my black and white thinking steams from because I either see everything as great, or everything as horrible. But I want to work on that, and my black and white thinking because its just going to hurt myself and people around me.


As for another thing I want to change is how much I doubt myself. I doubt myself a lot when I'm doing things because I'm always scared of being wrong, or doing something that is wrong. So therefore I either judge myself to quickly for trying to do something or I take criticisms really bad. So that is something I want to change about myself. I think both of these things would help me create a happier life also.

photoshoot

I did my first photoshoot in a long time a couple of days ago. I've been waiting for my photos to come back so I can make a post with them, but I decided I'll just post them when I get them and I'll write right now. I had a good shoot, and it was fun. I was a cat girl in lingerie. I got to be in long grass and I also got to climb in a tree! I also got to fall out of a tree too. but that wasn't planned. It just kinda happened.

I got to be a kitty for that day. I got to wear my ears out in public and I got to wear my tail out in public. It was fun. I wish I had found other poses people do as cat girls. But I didn't find many poses to copy or try out. Which makes me sad. But I think I did well. I do know I felt a little odd and I feel like I should have looked more into poses.

>W< But yeah, I can't wait to see the photos.

Day Five

Day 5: something you would change about the world


I feel like there's a lot of things I would change about the world. Sexism and racism, bullying in our society and even the way people deal with situations need to be changed. I mean in school we learn to go to teachers when we need help to deal with another classmate. and now as an adult, who do you go to? The police? Waste their time? I think that is something that needs to be thought out better. I mean so many people get into arguments and sometimes its hard for people to leave or someone feels like they can't. the situation gets worst and then we get into problems that do need the police.

I also think there needs to be more programs meant to help people, and those programs should be easier for people to get to then they are currently. I feel like there shouldn't be as many hoops, and I feel like people shouldn't have to be so hurt in order to get help. I think if you feel suicidal you should be able to go to the hospital and be admitted. I don't think you should be turned away. I feel like therapy should be cheaper and have an affordable rate for everyone. Along with other treatment plans. I feel like those plans would work better if people were also put into the programs as soon as they become available. I feel like therapy could make people feel stronger again, and being able to access it means people could go back to 'normal' life and deal with recovering and progress with there life. Which is what therapy is for. Therapy shouldn't be handed out to those that look the worst. Trigger words in order to get into programs shouldn't exist. You shouldn't need to say you can't function. If your diagnosed with a disorder, you should be given the help.

I feel like schools and other programs should take a hold of mental health. Either its a club like girl guides or cubs, or school. but have them really explain mental health to people. Because the young is going to age and they are going to become aware of mental illness. I feel like if programs explained mental illness the understanding would be more of a promise than what most people understand around mental illness. I also feel like if mental illness was taught, there would be an understanding when someone starts to deal with mental health reasons its not because they want to. But because its the way they are. I think if we taught young people about mental illness we also would nip the stigma because the younger generation will correct the older one. I feel like there will be more of an understanding that mental illness isn't caused by being 'retarded' or 'being lazy'. Giving people brain food with info will explain to them that its a function that just happens with how people are.

I feel like one of the things that could happen is programs meant to help native people. People still cast them off as leeches and they don't want to progress. People still hold onto those stupid stupid STUPID ideas that native people bitch at white people for land issues. I wish people would also just stop that, the color issues is just insane. They are people. I feel like programs meant to help the native people would let the country benefit. I feel like if we recognize more of the troubles that the native people went through, the more people will understand they didn't just loose their land. They lost a lot, and they kept loosing things because people were so selfish and wanting to hurt those that were already down. I wish we had more knowledge on this.

I feel like if we could help our people, we'd be better helpers. I feel like if we looked after our people, we then could look after others. I feel like if we could look after the mental heath of a lot, we could then speak about knowledge of the mental illness.