Mental health

I do have thoughts about my mental illness and how my doctors and I really need to get to the bottom of it, the more and more I read about BPD And the more I met people with it, I realize it really does seem like I do have it. But I'm not 100%, if its not that, its another personality disorder. Which is something I really want to have answered. I know people who went though a lot of sexual trauma as a child can also have it, and a few other things. I don't want to research into it, and I don't want to self diagnose because its bad, but at the same time, I think peoples mental health is really important. And I think when people know something is wrong, they are the most aware of it. Not a doctor you've only see a couple of times, or someone you get referred to talk to once. I really do feel like I know myself best.

I mostly just want to find out what is wrong, fully. 100% and finally be properly medicated (More so for some of my stuff should be managed with meds... Becuase currently I'm only managing my anxiety and depression and my sleep problems. But we haven't even looked at my PTSD and trauma stuff or my OCD) and I kinda wanna know so I can start working towards treatment, but I think in order to work to a treatment goal I need to know everything. Like I don't know, what i'm suppose to do for BPD,  Or a personality disorder. I don't know how that stuff plays into my mental illness.

What goes where.  I'm just someone sitting here with a box of myself and Its been open and I got two boxes given to me by the doctors saying 'depression' and 'anxiety' and the doctors labeled a few of my mental illness and than just told me go off and put things into boxes now. And I'm sitting here with PTSD, OCD, Skin picking, seeing things, and some other stuff being like where does this go? Does it go here? does it go there? Does it go into both?  Can it really go into both? How are my anti depressants going to help me fix flash backs?  What about when I disassociate? I have sleep meds? Where do those fit in.

@___@  

But my boyfriend even says when I start to get into my episodes (I fucking hate that word) they become very readable and he knows where they are going to go and when they are going to happen. and I also noticed I'm impulsive with stuff, like buying things. Sometimes I don't even think when I buy something I buy it and I feel happy, and than I fill with reget. And I'm like why did I buy this thing? What the hell? And Than I feel like a failure and a waste of space and just a really stupid person.  I also fear things like my boyfriend and I breaking up. Even though we are perfectly fine together, or I might become homeless or my life is going to fly into shambles at any moment. I'm also really paranoid about things and I get weird about things. I have a few movements I do to calm myself too. Like rocking.  Which is more I guess distracting for other people. I don't seem to care though. If it helps me it helps me.

I know for school I gotta figure out some stuff. I know my course load is going to be heavier this year, and I also have this space to vent and my boyfriend. But I feel like I almost need to make a ready kit for school. Like I know I wanna pop a coloring book in there and some coloring pencils for breaks and stuff. Bring my stuff so I can pet something to ground me, I got my grounding stone ect.

But I'm almost like how much gear do I need to fight a battle I don't even full understand? I could be going into a battle and find out I'm fighting at sea not on land and I could be really fucked.  Sorry to use the war reference but it is a war in my head.

Gah.

*stressed out*

purple hair idea.

One of the things I really want to do is get some purple put in my hair. I'm thinking when I can afford it I might buy a clip in hair extension that is purple.

I mostly just don't want to damage my hair is fry it right now. Because I'm still trying to grow it out, so maybe a fun little clip in would be nice. Just so I can have a random purple strike in my hair that I can take out.  I think if I could find one that is plum I would be happy. I really love plum purple. I also adore pale purple too. But I don't think that would suit me too well. 

The only thing I really worry about is it could possible thin my hair out more? I already have issues with my hair and always running my hands though my hair trying to get loose pieces. 

Nightmares

Last night I really weird and I had a nightmare about being in a car crash. It was of me and my boyfriend in a car crash, which has never happen. I don't think his ever been in a car crash before. And We don't have a car. But none the less it was a really weird dream.We were in a car crash in my dream and I was awake  it, in my dream not in real life.  And I ended up waking up at 2:50am and I ended up finding myself in my own pool of blood in real life from a nose bleed. I ended up staining one of our sheets and a dress I really like. (I wear dresses as nightgowns sometimes)  It was also a really long nose bleed too.

>.< It was a weird dream last night.

Kittens play pen Review

THE GREAT WAIT IS OVER! They have came! Its only been a few months right? Since feb 23.  I was so excited when I got them today. These photos and my video will have no make up or filters or anything like that. I'm too damn lazy for make up, and I don't understand filters and stuff. So yeah. :X ya'll are going to deal with my natural beauty. Such a shame!

I wanted to write down my review on kittens play pen. What I posted a few days ago is my review on customer service and I really do think kittens play pen would benefit some kind of note taking process so they know whats already been said, just so its also less hassle on there end. And it also would help make sure there customers don't feel ignored.

 Anyways my reviews on the products are:

I fell in love with kittens play pen during the time that they started. There products looked adorable and the pictures they pumped out of the products were amazing, plus then you see all of the happy people with there products.  So I ended up after a few years saving and I was able to get my order. 

My first 'order' I got was my collar my Boyfriend got me. Its adorable and purple. There was a flaw and kittens play pen did respond fast and I had a replacement come to me with in a week, and I was allowed to keep the faulty one. Which is good.   

I do really like buying things from people who have small businesses more so Canadians because I like trying to encourage people to make a living and also help out Canadians economy in a good way that will keep our money within our system.

Tail: the length was perfect for my height.  I'm 5'3 so I'm shorter, and my tail touches my calf muscles.  I think I got the one that was 24''. The fur is a bit off compared to what I thought, but its very soft, and the fur is nice to pet. *is stroking it while I write this review*  The fur its self is really long and fluffy and looking at the area that they stitched to connect to the belt was stitched really well too.

 The minus part to this is I did ask for a fully wired tail and my tail isn't fully wired which means posing with it for photos make me a little odd because it won't wrap or fall into poses I want it to go into. So it very much does a 'dead' flop. But thats fine.  Its a cute tail, very soft, squish, and very long. 

Ears: I got my ears on a head band because I will probably lose them without the head band.  They are the same shade of brown as they are to my tail. (I think)  My ears are lovely, I'm really happy with them. I did want the other ears compared to the newer style but I do love them all the same. I like the white fur lining and everything else. The only down side I can see is I can see a wee bit of hot glue which does worry more only in the sense that it might fall off so I don't want to pick at it. But I love the ears. They are what I expected.  I love the white fur lining inside.  I do like that they are wired and I'll be keeping them in a safe place for sure. 

The only thing that got ruined in shipping was my care sheet on how to look after these beauties but I'll just look for it online. I'm sure someone else has put up a copy already.

Ratings:

Website set up: I do think there needs to be some work so people know there order is being worked on. It makes a lot of people feel anxious and myself with anxiety, I also feel like my order could have been a rip off. I personally would love to see the site with more of a viewer look in mind. Even just putting down "Sara is working on your order now" Or "order is being viewed by Jess." Just so I know, and I think other people would like to know so our orders aren't being ignored.  

Stars: 4  out of 5

Customer servers:   It does need to be worked on, but I will say even through all of the confusion and the months of waiting everyone I talked to did want to get things figured out. Even if it took the order from feb till almost sept to get here. 

Also from what I said a few days ago and here. I think the process would go a lot smoother if everyone was just on board. 

I also wanted to say sometimes you feel like your being ignored when you send in a question and it takes a couple of days to get a response back. If you are someone like me that likes to ask questions, don't take it personal if they take awhile to respond back. 

Stars: 3.5 out of 5

The craftsmanship: I will say kittens play pen gives you what you asked for and what you ordered. If you aren't happy about something you can voice it, They will listen to you, they won't fight with you, and they will come up with a way to fix it.  And I also can tell they put a lot of love and care into there products and they don't seem to want to mess up. 

Stars: 5 out of 5. 

Will I order from them again?

Personally no. I won't be. I think that the wait and the anxiety isn't worth it. It is a lot of money being spent on items, and more so with that wait it doesn't feel worth it.  I think the next time I want to get something that's pet play themed, I will try and make it myself.  But I do love this shop and I do like the owners of kittens play pen. So if you are someone who can order something and let it go at its pace its a good place to order from. If you want a speedy devilry maybe shop around or even try and make stuff at home. 

Btw, The suckers they give are so yummy. :3 *sucks on my pink sucker* 

Kittens play pen customer service

I haven't got my order yet, so this isn't a review post. This is more of a venting post and talking about the customer service I got from Kittens Play Pen. I ordered back in February, on the 23.   I ordered some kitten ears which I saved for, and I got a tail for free because my first order of my collar came and it was broken.  So I had a tail coming in for free. And I'm not complaining about that, But its nearly Sept, and When I get it, it will be in September, so if anyone wants to do math and figure out months and how many days that's been with me waiting have fun. I was aware there is usually a 3-ish month wait. But not as long as I had to wait for.

One of the things that has upset me so much about this full thing is emailing kittens play pen and having different people get back to me, and wanting to hear the same story over and over again, and me feeling frustrated with the fact that they couldn't just look at email history, I also was upset because when I looked for answers sometimes I would get no response at all. So I've been sitting in the dark, and I've been kept there.

I got a confirmation code finally and my order has been shipped. But so far from the customer service side I received I wouldn't recommend kittens play pen, nor would I recommend them for there waiting period.   Unless you want to order something and than blissfully forget about it, and than in a few months time you randomly find a package at your front door of something you ordered +4 months ago.

I just want my order here, and I'm sorry if this seems harsh. Its not meant to be. I also just want people from kittens play pen to see this and realize that there is something wrong with there messaging chain down the line. Sometimes for some businesses they will write little sticks to tell the next person the process thats been already done, so people don't need to re-ask the same questions over and over again.

Stormy weather.

I'm excited that stormy weather is coming.  Its going to start feeling like fall soon and its going to also start to feel good again. I hate the heat, I'm totally not a summer fan at all, I love the rain, I love the cooler breeze and the refreshing scent of fall.  :3 I'm excited and I hope we get a really nice rain storm so my boyfriend and I can cuddle while we watch it.  <3

My purse

You can totally see my dog spray in this picture. 

This is my purse for school. :3 Its just a makeup bag, but I don't wear makeup so I though hey I can use this for something else. Its cute and it holds a lot. There is still room for an Ipod too, when I get one, and some headphones which I like using for music for school when we are working on computers. :)  

Tree Frog mate

For the passed few days My boyfriend and I had be hearing crocking at like 2pm each day.  Each day we'd look around the house and we would end up going to my little room/storage room. We would get into the room and the nose would stop. We'd poke around the room looking, we thought it might be in with my stuffies so we looked there. When that happened while I was going through we heard a crock and I jumped and was scared to keep looking because I didn't want this frog or even toad. (We didn't know at the time) to jump out at me. than we kept looking. And then we found him. He was under some dead leaves that the advocate plant dropped. He was curled up and happy.

And then operation get the frog back outside started. We needed to get gloves on, so my boyfriend got some gloves which I bought mostly for picking up dead things, and like doing some house work. (there was a package of them) and we than needed to get something to put him in. So I grabbed a wide and short sandwich container for him to be in. After that we needed to figure out some cup to get him under, so we used one of those recycled cups that meant for gardening. 

Those. :3

And we got him under the little gardening cup, and we caught him. We than put his cup inside face up in the little sandwich container and I ran to my computer to figure out what to do with it. Where to put it. We live on the 3 floor of a building. We still weren't sure how it got up here. but it did. So I looked online. I found out some things, such as it needs water, but not from the tap, so I grabbed the bottle of filter water, it needs dirt so it doesn't drown, we added that to the container. We didn't have any rocks, but from the mucky mess it made I thought he'd be okay. We placed the sandwich container into a tote we had on the deck. In hopes of he'll just find his way down. There is one plant growing in there. and he ended up climbing onto the side of the tote. 

yesterday we looked for him, and he wasn't in his tote or the pile of muckyness water we made for him, or hiding in his little flower pot, but we found him hiding out in another one. Our roommate has also said she's seen these little guys on our deck before and I saw one too on the desk that wasn't this guy, so they do end up getting up here. 

I ended up googling what he could be, because he was really pretty and I wanted to make sure he was okay. It turns out he is a little tree frog. 

Our land lady says they climb up the building all the time and they'll find themselves a way back down.

Pressing Delete

Pressing delete is hard.  Sometimes I heisted when I press delete. 

A memory is being delete, a face is being removed, Its sometimes the only documented poof I have of someone. Its an image or thought that had came from a moment in time when I thought it was important to document it. 

But sometimes pressing delete is the best things to do. I’m looking at a picture of “her”, It’s a picture of me at grad, I have it printed, because I wanted to keep at least one photo of her, seeing as she took the rest when she left my family. But I’m at the point that I want to delete it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to look. I remember her face, her eyes, the way she looked at me, her lips, skin, hair. I remember her hands. 

I remember things I wish I never even remembered.  I wish my brain could have deleted those moments and I could just be blissfully ignorant to what happened.

Pressing delete is one of the hardest things It seems online. 

Other people offer to do it for me, but it makes me panic, and I get really anxious and attached. I feel like If I delete her picture, than what happened to me will fade and be nothing. I feel like If I deleted that picture, things that happened to me would stay, but I no longer would have a face or a name. 

Pressing delete feels me up with anxieties. My tummy twists up like a soggy dish rag that’s being ringed out to dry.  My brain jumps from fear to sadness to angry while this feeling goes on, and confusion. I can’t even do it. I’ve tried, I’ve put my finger above the key and I’ve been ready to press but I can’t do it.

The worst part is me hesitating over delete her picture is I feel shame, and embarrassment. I feel embarrassed. To still think about what she did to me, I fill up with angry, I fill up with fear, I’m still scare of her, I look when I go into bathrooms and when I’m out by myself I’m on edge, I’m in a provide and in a house she’s never been too, and I’m still on edge. I’m ready to jump. 

I want to scream, I want to hit things. I want to destroy everything she’s touched. But that includes me. And then I think about it, I don’t want to destroy me. But it’s a conflicting feeling, maybe if I did, everything wouldn't upset me anymore. Things would hurt me, memories wouldn't come back and haunt me. 

 I want to print off her picture and burn it. I want to burn her picture and scream at the top of my lung. I want to see no picture left when it’s done being set on fire, and the only thing that is left is coals.

….

People sometimes take the delete button for granted and I think some people who have never been through anything rough have problems understanding. Its just a ‘simple’ picture. Its just a picture of someone, delete it and move on. 

But its not a picture.

Its not a picture of an ex.

It’s a picture of someone who was supposed to protect me. 

Fan Mail

I have like a small list of people I want to send fanmail too. Its just famous people. I Want to see if I can get some letters back or some kind of autograph. But I'd need pictures of the people.

I want to send fanmail too...

• Lights
• Dita Von Teese (If I can find her POBOX)
• Tommy Flanagan 
• Charlie Hunnam
• Christina Aguilera 

I should write letters at some point in time during this semster and see what happens. :3 Maybe I'll get something back, who knows. I mostly just want to write to them so they know that someone really likes them.  :3 I do need to get my paws on a picture of them all though so they can be signed and sent back if I do get mail back. 

I kinda wanna do some peoples mail up with really cute pictures. >3> I would probably send Dita something to do with animal botany because she likes oddities and stuff and really graceful birds like peacocks. 

Things I like about lolita

• Puffy skirts. 
• Petticoats! 
• Old-fashioned details. 
• The creativity of building an outfit.
• The feeling like I’m a work of art when I get all decked out in lolita.  
• Cute shoes.
• Cute bags.
• Fancy jewelry.
• That feeling when your outfit makes other people smile.
• Ribbons, and lace.
• The pretty patterns.
• The cuts and styles of dresses. 
• The happy feeling I get while looking cute. 

My Dolls

Ever since I was a small girl I've always really liked dolls. I like toy dolls and china dolls, now that I've grown up and slowly lost things because of moving, younger siblings and just the struggle of juggling from house to house I no longer have my huge collection of dolls. But I wanted to show off some of my dolls I do have and treasure. 

These are my only china dolls I have. I have two Anne of Green Gables dolls.Anne of Green Gables is one of my my favorite movie series and book series. I also watched the tv show. I sadly no longer have the little girl with the bonnet. I had her when since I can remember. My Dad got it for me. But my ex broke her.

Crocheting

I'm going to start doing crocheting this year, I've bought the needles I need and the yarn I've just been putting it off. I feel really anxious about doing things I've never done before. But I think something like this might even help with battling my depression. (Which has started.)

I've tried to do a bit of it last night and it was okay, I think my first project I wanna try and make a little square and use it for my doll house. So thats my first project. After that I'd like to be able to make myself a scarf, some cute clothes and some other cute goodies. I've seen that people can even crochet stuffies! and I'd like to crochet some clothes for my calico critters if possible.  :3

 I'm going to do more of it.

My line play

This is my bedroom in line play. Its so cute! I want to get a few more things for my room, and I don't currently like my closet I have out so its hiding, but yeah, thats my room so far. I have a bath tub and some other things. :3 

Stuffed animal in public.

One of the things I've done since high school is hang a little stuffie on my purse. I do it mostly because it looks really cute to see a plushie hanging from a bag, plus it makes me look kinda geeky, and someone might end up talking to me more with a plushie hanging out on my bag, but the other reason why I have a stuffie, or a tail hanging from my purse/bag is because it really comforts me. My anxiety is pretty bad and when I'm out in public its really hard sometimes to try and find a place to ground, and if i'm in school for a test or something, same thing. But I can at least have something that reminds me where I am, and I'm safe. If I'm on the bus and I get anxoius I can just hold my purse and also hold my stuffie and no one thinks anything of it. I get anxious on public transit due to an accident I saw. 

This little guy has saved me a bunch in public spaces and he also has helped me on public buses. I'm really thankful I was able to pick him up when I went to vancouver. I also tuck him into my purse when its rainy so he doesn't get gross. 

But yeah, I wanted to show you guys what I do when I'm anxious in public. It helps me out, and maybe it'll help someone else out. 

Birthday Parties

Sometimes I think about having a birthday party, my birthday isn't until November. So its really not just right around the corner its months away. I guess at most this is just me rambling about something that I keep thinking about. And thinking about how cute or how much fun it would be.   It just feels like it would be nice to have a birthday party, or a birthday get together with friends, eat nommy food, have streamers up and stuff.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a themed birthday party, but to be honest, I wouldn't be able to pick a theme other than Sailor Moon, and I mean Sailor Moon is pretty bad ass. I just feel embarrassed to say I'd want a sailor moon birthday party. I'm like going to be 24. xD  I would probably want like a gluten free birthday cake, or muffins or something that's sailor moon themed and nommy! And some other foods. Also I would have lots of pastels colors and cuteness.

Oh dear, I'm such a nerd, my dorkyness is all excited with this idea. I have a halloween party I still need to get goodies for and I'm already excited about this plan for my birthday.

 I could even give out invitations with the different sailor scout wands.

  I don't have that many friends so I wouldn't be able to make a team of sailor scouts but... I could still have fun with it! I would probably make my boyfriend a tuxedo mask invitation.  People wouldn't need to dress up or anything. Its just a birthday theme. We could even sit back and play video games.

Gem stones I want

• Galena
• Star Sapphire
• Sapphires - All of them because they are pretty
• Star Ruby
• Halite
• Fluorite 
•  Rhobochrosites
• Malachite
• Rose quartz
• Citrine
• Spider web opal
• Rose opal 
• Labradorite
• Sugilite 
• Tourmaline 

Book haul

So I went to the second hand shop with my friend on Thursday I think it was and I ended up picking up three books I've been wanting to read for awhile. Each of them was 99 cents. I'm thinking I might read them for school inbetween classes and the bus ride home or too school.

Cleopatra: A Life By Stacy Schiff

This is a book I've been really looking forward to read. I love Cleopatra and I love egypt and I've been looking forward to find this book somewhere's, and I found it.  Its suppose to be a history book and biography. I'm not sure what else to say, other then this book is huge and I'm looking forward to flip through it and most likely just be amazed. 

The Time Traveler's Wife By Audrey Niffenegger

I've been curious about this book. I've seen it float around even when I was a teen and I've always been tempted to pick up and read it. But I've never had the chance until a few days ago. Its suppose to be a romance and I have read reviews and it seems to be a lot of people either hate it or love it. I'm going to try it, if I don't like it, I'm just going to take it to a book shop that I know locally that'll give me a few bucks of store credit. 

Memoirs of a Geisha By Arthur Golden.

I've been just wanting to read this one for a long time. Its suppose to be a movie, but I want to read the book first. It looks super good. 

octopus

So when I took my marine biology class, we got to look at some wet specimens. Which are dead sea creatures (Or should be) before they are put into a 50/50 solution that will stop them from rotting away. I was so excited when I saw we had an octopus. I really want one that has washed up on shore and is dead and has been preserved. So when I saw this I was really excited. I need one for my collection someday. But isn't this so cute? I thought it was. And it was neat too because you can still see all of its suction cups.

But yes, this is on my I need to get it some day list.  But I want enough space and know I can put it somewheres safe, and not in direct sunlight, or make our vegan roommate uncomfortable.

Doll house

Yesterday I got this doll house for about 6 bucks at my local second hand shop. It was missing its front doors. It had bay doors so it only had one side of the doors, so I ripped that one off and now my bears house is just going to be open and flowing. :3 They are bears after all they got a lot of fur.

I'm excited with it because its pretty big for my size. And it also have some really neat pieces inside of it. So I let my critters kinda creep around and look at there new house.

These are a few rooms already that have little things in them. I'm excited about the kitchen and the fact that the living room has its own fire place. The kitchen is also just a touch higher than my mamma bear so I think I'm going to make her a little stool to stand on. but I love the size of everything for them. :3

 I also am going to do the blue bedroom up for the brother bear I think. It was suppose to be a babies room, but I'm going to use it as a little boys room. :3 I have to take down the stickers that are all over this house in some rooms. but I don't want to do it yet.  I want to wait until I have stuff to replace the rooms stickers. I also like the little sticker carpets so those ones are staying.

So yeah, This is my doll house. Now its time to fill it up with cute thingies. What do you think of the place?

PowerPuff Girls!

I'm so excited for the new Powerpuff Girls that is going to come out next year. Its going to be so cute, and I don't mind the art, it still really adorable and its pretty close to the original art anyways. I do like that bubbles was given cute piggy tails, and I love blossom, she looks pretty normal, and buttercup looks super cute and I love her little piece of hair that sticks up.   It looks like she has a cowlick.

I really have high hopes for this and I think it'll probably be better than the PowerPuff girl anime that was out in japan. (Which was really cute, it was just a little odd not to see them sisters and stuff) But yes, I'm super super super super super super super excited for this to come out. I hope it'll be on YTV or something so I can watch it on tv. I have basic cable I think, if not I'll just find it online. 

I'm also looking forward to this coming out again, because I can get some powerpuff girl stuff too, like plushies and stickers and stuff. 

Heart shaped Nipples

 One of my favorite things to do is to buy henna and draw a hearts on my nipples. Its really relaxing to do, and it also just feels really nice and cool. I also like it because in the end I feel really sexy, and I'm also always happy with the results and they aren't painful compared to getting my nipples tattoo'd.

Sometime I should do it again. I haven't really done it in awhile and it just feels really fancy to do for myself. Its like a pampering thing for me. I won't be posting pictures so no one get excited.

Back To school

Back to school is coming up for me soon. I'm so excited! I finally got a letter telling me I'm approved for my grant so I can buy my books and pay for my course, I also need to get a few back to school goodies, but nothing fancy. I have binders already and paper. I also have my laptop, and I have some pens, and white out so I'm pretty much all set for that. 

I'm thinking with the left over money I might buy myself some little space supplies for myself. (A special treat) and some clay and than maybe something for my critters to hang out in. But I'm not a 100% sure yet. I do know I want to buy a couple of little space goodies I saw. Also some of them are for my middle space. Like some super cute snazzy nail polish, and a few other pieces of clothing. 

I'm really excited to go back to school. The best part of it all is I don't need to get up super early! Yay! I am however going to be at the school for a long time this semester because I'm taking two courses. So I also am going to be looking into making myself some lunches. I might also pester my boyfriend to make me super cute lunches and drop me a note every  so often. 

 My work load might be different this year. I know for the first few days I'm probably going to come home and do a big belly flop and lay in bed. 

 I'm excited though because I might be able to make more friends. And I most likely will also see my friend on campus too!   I also really need to look into volunteering at some local places with kids so I can get my 40 hours for my course so I can get into it. =) But I'll think about that a bit more later.  

Halloween Costume

This year for Halloween I'm thinking I'm going to try and pull together a fairy costume. I'm not sure what kind of fairy I want to be yet. All I know so far is I want to have is really pretty wings and than a dress and some kind of head piece. I think I might base the costume off of one of my fav flowers.

Not my picture

but that is my favorite flower, and I think a fairy costume based off of those colors would be really pretty. 

Almost happy birthday.

Its almost my boyfriends birthday. So today I'm going to go out and buy what I need to make him a yummy birthday cake. I also wanna get him his presents. I'm bad with secrets so he knows already. ^^;   I'm going to make him something that we both can enjoy. I also might do my own home made icing.  But I want to see if I have what I need for that first. If not i'm going to buy icing!

I'm really excited for his birthday. Tomorrow is going to be a bunch of fun I think. :3

Dear Witchy Diary...

So on Friday I went to my local shop that sells witchy supplies. I mostly went in to get two totems for myself. I wanted to get this really cute manatee totem and I was hoping I could find a whale one. While I was there I also browsed and looked around to see if there was anything I should really think about getting for my witchy supplies and I found two really beautiful and nice smelling candles. 

I also went to grab some more ideas of what I should add to my little box for my alter stuff.  I think I am going to hand make a few items, as I said in my last post. Other things I'm going to still collect slowly. One of the things I did see that I really want is a pentagon necklace. 

These are the two totems I picked up. I want to get a book on totems. Its in the animal speak section. I feel a little weird going there because It feels like its really try to capitalize on native american beliefs. I mostly want to find a book that is written by someone with native in there blood and learn that way. I'm also native myself so I do feel that connection a bit being there. Although my ancestries are on the other side of Canada.

I also did buy myself these two candles. The blue one is for emotional balance and the purple one is for healing. I thought both were really good choices considering what I've gone through and my trauma and even just the passed few stressers my Daddy and I have dealt with. (He reads spells with me. Its so cute)  These are just nice to have. I'm still really new to magic and witch craft so I really like just being able to have some cheats here and there and just be able to read spells and get everything else set up and cleanse my mind and stuff. 

These candles are really wonderful. I would totally recommend them to anyone who wants them.  

Hair

My hair is getting really long and I'm so excited that my hair has gotten super long! I like that I'm able to finally pull my hair back. I've been withstanding the urge of just chopping it all off. I do wanna trim my bangs but I also want them to be long still. So I don't know what I'm going to do with that.  But fall is also almost here which means the urge to cut my hair will go, because the heat is almost over too. 

 I want my hair to be about past my breasts.  maybe a wee bit lower from my belly button. But I want to be able to tie my hair up, I wanna be able to do braids and other things too.  =3 I wanna have really cute long hair.

Sea shells

I went to value village a few days ago and I ended up picking myself up a bag of sea shells.  I found one bag I found and it had a lot of amazing pieces in the bag. It had some coral and it also had some Sea Urchin spins.  I found a few things I've been wanting to get. 

I wanted to show you guys want I got:

Upcoming projects

School is starting and I haven't started any of my projects I wanted to do this summer. I've been so lazy and laid back. I have a few things I want to do.

I think writing them down might help me really think about doing them. So with out putting this off more. These are some of the projects I'd like to do.. :

(Not my picture) 

I really want to make my own goddess statue. I keep looking at my local wicca shops and I haven't found one yet that I really adore. So I'm thinking I might go and get some natural clay. (I found some one on of my beach trips. I'm just going to need to head back out there for it) and I'm going to make my own little lady.  I'm going to read a bit more about them before I start this project because I don't want to do anything wrong or bad. 

(Not my picture)

I also want to make my own magic wand to be used. I feel like my wand I'm going to make is going to feel more natural. I haven't found a athame yet around here. But I'm thinking a really nice wand might be better. I want to work on this project slowly.  I have an idea of what  I want it to look like. I still need to find a branch for it.  I also feel like it would be a lot more fun to make my own than to go off and buy a magic wand.

Nudibranch

In my Marine biology class I did back in the spring we got to see one of my favorite sea critters ever. Which is called a nudibranch. Nudibranches are really cute little critters. There soft skinned critters, and most of them are really toxic, but they are really cute little things.   People often call them sea slugs, and I think that might be another reason why I really like them. Because I adore slugs. 

I took the picture above, its of a clown nudibranch., Which we do have out here! There such little sweeties.  Its specificity name is Triopha Catalinea. 

Last nights dinner

That was my dinner yesterday. It was really yummy. I made myself some oatmeal with orangic sugar and blue berries with some small plums on the site and some tea.   I thought I'd make myself some tension tamer tea. And it really helped and it tastes really well with my oatmeal too. 

Tides

Tides  - By Besty CornWell

I've been looking forward to reading this book since it came out. Its been out for about a year or so. The cover is what really drew me to it. I love silkies, sirens, and mermaids. This book only has one of those three mythical beauties and that is Silkies. When I first saw this book the cover really blew me away. The picture its self is beautiful and I feel like its really telling a story.

The story it self does have some things I'd like to point out before anyone picks it up who might have issues, there is some kid napping in it and some abuse, Silkie women were never treated right. When there skins get stolen they follow which can take cause them to be abused and they are unable to leave. There also is a bit of bulimia said, but its not too much, and its not the main focus of the story.   The story has love, magic and is honestly just beautiful written and I feel like you really get to know the characters in it.

The main point to the story is a family who becomes very close to silkies for reasons which I don't want to explain because I'd ruin the full story. But its beautiful, Its sad sometimes, but the writer did a good job catching the emotions the readers should have.  This book was a faster read for me, but I like that.  I would totally recommed this book, if you are someone who likes to read about social issues, magic things or stuff about mermaids and silkies.

I'd give this book 5 stars.

My Smash Book

This is my smash book I've been working on. I've been doing my pages slowly. I've been adding things I like in there, things about me. I'm going to add some pages of stuff thats on my bucket list and some other stuff I just find really interesting that I'm going to add in there.  I've also done a few pages about my kink side. I wanna do a lolita page and other stuff too.

I wanna find some more stuff. I know I wanna do at least a space page, a page about animals I like slowly and stuff. I really just like working on this because its such a slow but relaxing process to go through and find stuff to chop up that really does mean me.

I do know I want to do at least a wonder women page because growing up she really did mean a lot to me, and she was kinda like the only mother figure I really had. (Aside from my cat who I need to put in there too somehow)

 I'll open and take pictures of the inside to show you guys some of my pages I've worked on. but today I just wanted to share the cover.  So yeah, this is my Smash book.

Dear Diary

Lately I've been feeling a little bit tense and slightly stressful, but at the same time I feel really at rest with a lot of stuff. No matter the age, drama is something that happens and same with bullies. What surprises me is with age though more and more people seem to hate being called exactly what they are.   Which is just strange to me. I guess the truth is something people are just never okay with.

That full situation is just so done though, I'm not even going to do anything with it.  I want to move forward with my life, and I'm more interested in focusing on happy things in my life.

I noticed with that all happening thought I might really had a mood disorder, i'm not sure. So I'm looking into it with the doctors.

One of the happy things I've had happen to me lately is I've been able to do something I've wanted to do. Which is have a friend, Have a local friend  who wants to hang out with me, and plan time to go do stuff together. It just feels really nice to have someone in your life, (other than my lovely lovely SO) want to talk to you, and like share interests and want to know about things your interested about and they aren't.  And That makes me so insanely happy.  I finally have a friend who is local that I can hang out with, talk to and do something with.

I think knowing I'm able to make a friend has also improved my self esteem a bit, it makes my self worth be a lot less low and I feel like I know I'm better now.  And there is nothing wrong with me, because I made a friend.

I have enjoyed it though because this full summer I've been able to hang out with her, we've gone out beach combing together and we've also went shopping a few times.

Also with this friend she has recommended me to go talk to a psychologist she talks too.  I tried to bring it up with my doctors but they didn't seem to happy that I was looking outside of there little community. I'll probably bring it up again because I feel like this is what I need more than a counselor who is going to tell me to make a special place in my head.  I also need to see someone more often than the psychologist I can get referred to if the doctors think I have something enough.

It'll be about a month and a few days before I go back to school. I'm feeling really excited about it, I'm glad I'm able to go back to school and keep up with my education. I also was able to get into the two courses this term, last term I took one. So I'm going very slowly up with my courses and there loads.  I'm hoping my grant comes in before I start classes, though. Because I need that money to pay for my course and my text books, but if it comes in a little late that'll be okay. I'm also really excited because these two courses are going to be a lot slower than the last one I took for marine biology. So I at least won't get stressed out nearly as much.  :3 I'm also excited because they seem super great too. And I just want to keep going with school and get a job in something that I feel like I can really do and probably really enjoy.

I want to inspire hope and change and help the young ones out there.

Sea Glass and Sea Pottery.

These are my favorite pieces of beach glass and pottery I've picked up. This year I have found so much purple sea glass. I've also found some blue, and different blue colors. I also found a few small pieces of red and my friend gave me the very big piece of red.  I'm going to hold onto that. 

The pottery is beautiful and I love the colors. I picked up a lot.  I really like the pieces that have a bunch of color on them. I'm going to give the crackled ones to my friend because she really likes those ones. I just wanna keep one piece because I think its really neat.

But this is what I've been collecting my full summer. And my red bits are what I suffered a sun burn for! 

Forgetting

I'm forgetting about a lot of less important things in my life and that makes me thankful. I'm forgetting the looks of the old place I moved out that I lived in with my ex. I'm forgetting what our bedroom looked like and the space we shared. I see old pictures of me in his house and it confuses me on where that was or is. I'm also deleting old pictures of us, and old pictures of me in his house. Its all refreshing and this work takes awhile to get through. But you know what,  I'm forgetting, I'm forgetting his last name, I'm forgetting his birth date. He is leaving my mind.  I'm forgetting a lot. Which makes me glad.

Sometimes I wish I could forget, like this lack of respect and stuff, but that'll go soon too. I'm forgetting and thats the important part.

This makes me unbelievable thankful.

Beautiful Sky

I love looking at the sunset in our area. Its so pretty and I love the colors that come out. I love the purple hue this sky had. It was so beautiful.