Mental health

I do have thoughts about my mental illness and how my doctors and I really need to get to the bottom of it, the more and more I read about BPD And the more I met people with it, I realize it really does seem like I do have it. But I'm not 100%, if its not that, its another personality disorder. Which is something I really want to have answered. I know people who went though a lot of sexual trauma as a child can also have it, and a few other things. I don't want to research into it, and I don't want to self diagnose because its bad, but at the same time, I think peoples mental health is really important. And I think when people know something is wrong, they are the most aware of it. Not a doctor you've only see a couple of times, or someone you get referred to talk to once. I really do feel like I know myself best.

I mostly just want to find out what is wrong, fully. 100% and finally be properly medicated (More so for some of my stuff should be managed with meds... Becuase currently I'm only managing my anxiety and depression and my sleep problems. But we haven't even looked at my PTSD and trauma stuff or my OCD) and I kinda wanna know so I can start working towards treatment, but I think in order to work to a treatment goal I need to know everything. Like I don't know, what i'm suppose to do for BPD,  Or a personality disorder. I don't know how that stuff plays into my mental illness.

What goes where.  I'm just someone sitting here with a box of myself and Its been open and I got two boxes given to me by the doctors saying 'depression' and 'anxiety' and the doctors labeled a few of my mental illness and than just told me go off and put things into boxes now. And I'm sitting here with PTSD, OCD, Skin picking, seeing things, and some other stuff being like where does this go? Does it go here? does it go there? Does it go into both?  Can it really go into both? How are my anti depressants going to help me fix flash backs?  What about when I disassociate? I have sleep meds? Where do those fit in.

@___@  

But my boyfriend even says when I start to get into my episodes (I fucking hate that word) they become very readable and he knows where they are going to go and when they are going to happen. and I also noticed I'm impulsive with stuff, like buying things. Sometimes I don't even think when I buy something I buy it and I feel happy, and than I fill with reget. And I'm like why did I buy this thing? What the hell? And Than I feel like a failure and a waste of space and just a really stupid person.  I also fear things like my boyfriend and I breaking up. Even though we are perfectly fine together, or I might become homeless or my life is going to fly into shambles at any moment. I'm also really paranoid about things and I get weird about things. I have a few movements I do to calm myself too. Like rocking.  Which is more I guess distracting for other people. I don't seem to care though. If it helps me it helps me.

I know for school I gotta figure out some stuff. I know my course load is going to be heavier this year, and I also have this space to vent and my boyfriend. But I feel like I almost need to make a ready kit for school. Like I know I wanna pop a coloring book in there and some coloring pencils for breaks and stuff. Bring my stuff so I can pet something to ground me, I got my grounding stone ect.

But I'm almost like how much gear do I need to fight a battle I don't even full understand? I could be going into a battle and find out I'm fighting at sea not on land and I could be really fucked.  Sorry to use the war reference but it is a war in my head.

Gah.

*stressed out*