My biggest accomplishment(s) 2015

I wanted to do a highlights/accomplishments I did this year. I think its really important to look back on what you did in your life, even in just once year. Just so you can realize the bit you've done. So lets do this!

• I finish my upgrading this year. 
• I took a marine biology class and I enjoyed it
• I got to go out everyday in the summer
• I tried new bubble tea flavors.
• I went back to school in September this year, I did a english class I needed and a psychology class
• I got to go out for whale watching! I didn't see any whales but I saw other cute things.
• I was able to get a good chunk of savings. 
• I got some really cool scores from Vaule village! LIKE MY SUPER CUTE rilakkuma onesies!
• I celebrated my 24th birthday in Nov
• I made some really good friends. 
• I've grown my hair out pretty long. 
• I was diagnosed with bpd  
• I found a super neat bag of gem stones. :) 

So this is my list of super great accomplishment. 

Runes

I really want a lovely rune set, I want to start doing rune reading and I think I might start to research more into runes.  I know I also want to write a section about runes into my book of shadows and I also want to print off a rune chart to tuck into my book of shadows.

This is the rune alphabet and meanings behind the symbols. The kind of rune set I would like to have is something made from either some stone or sea shell. I found this set on tumblr. Its made from rose quartz.

The set looks really stunning.

BPD stuff

When I was diagnosed with bpd I was a bit shocked and I was a bit upset to be honest, and sometimes I still feel really lost and confused within the diagnosed of being a person who have bpd. I guess for me it just really confuses me and sometimes it makes me look at my actions, like perfectly reasonable actions and be scared this is my bpd, or that is my bpd. It also sometimes makes me wonder who would I be without bpd?  I also did some exploring on youtube, and I regrettable read comments on one video saying people with bpd are mutuality and are disgusting people. Which upset me to say the lease. And I was more upset when I read that someone said people with bpd shouldn't be loved or make relationships, and stuff. So I have decided I might really keep my personal research outside of the internet world, just because I take comments that might not even be about me as personal threats due to the fact that I suffer from the same personality disorder people mock. 

One of the things I did is I thought I should look at mindfulness, I don't really have a lot of mindfulness skills, I have more grounding skills for when my anxiety acts up, and I go through panic or anxiety attacks, but I don't have anything for DBT. I also asked my doctor about DBT and he seems to want to take things one step at a time. Which I think it totally fine, I get overwhelmed easily. I know when my mental illnesses all take over at once I'm super overwhelmed and its hard to figure stuff out, and then having bpd play in makes it worst. 

So I thought I should pick up something for mindfulness.  And this is what I've found. 

Reading it so far has been really good, they go off and explain bpd a bit, they talk about symptoms and what happens, the thinking that people with bpd use, and all of the technical stuff. Which I personal really do like knowing. I'm someone who wants to know how this stuff works, where is it stored and just why it happens. I was like this too when I was learning about PTSD, I found it super interesting just learning lightly about the brain, and how ptsd really works and why you are in fact not a 'retard' when your ptsd acts up.

So this book was really amazing for it, I also like how the book recommend different types of mindfulness. Its not like, just do it this way. I also really loved how they pointed out that just reading this book and taking the words into concentration is a form of mindfulness its self, because you are reading the book with an open mind.

So I would say this book is amazing to read, and I would recommend it for people with bpd. I think I might also let my doctor (my therapist) give the book a read when I'm done.

The terms that are used are also really basic, and even when they are explaining the technical stuff, they aren't like 'well in basic terms this means(yaddyyaddy)'.   I also really enjoy the over all tone the book has, it doesn't feel challenging towards me.

One of the other books I recently picked up was a planner my friend showed me. This is a pretty nifty thing I picked up, and I'm going to start it in the new year.

It looks like what is shown above.  As the title suggests its meant to start tracking your progress, and I think this would just be neat to start because I really need to start tracking myself better, more so even with meds and stuff, and it would be nice to figure out what my triggers are, ect. This is a planner you also can start at any point you want too, you don't need to start it in the new year, Its not dated for "2016." I'm just someone who wants to start things in a new year.  The book goes through a few things.  I'll list them off. 

It explains:

• Why DBT?
• Mindfulness
• Distress tolerance 
• emotion regulation
• Interpersonal effectiveness 
• Self care assessment 
• How to use this planner
• Daily wellness planner 
• Past year highlights
• New years plans.

It also has a recommended book and websites you could use. Which I might check out. I feel like the sites that are going to be recommend are going to be more aimed at helping people with this personality disorder, then like a youtube site, or somewhere's like tumblr.  

I also wanted to show you what the planner looks like inside. 

In case you can't read, it has a week long self care chart up top, and below for monday, it says... "Skills practiced/ Mindfulness / Emotional Regulation / Distress tolerance / Interpersonal effectiveness"

And below that it has these categorizes

"Things that I'm thankful for, Goals I worked towards, today shinning moments"

And there also is a notes and reminders section and AND a area for you to keep track of being sober from engaging in harmful or destructive behavior! Seriously I love how set up this is. 

I do also like the setup of the planner because its really organized and to be honest it doesn't really make me feel overwhelmed looking at it. The pages are also a soothing color to look at too. I'm really looking forward to doing this in the new year. :)

purple wig.

I think when I get my money from my dad for Christmas one of the things I want to buy is a short purple bob. I love wigs, I have two and both are long, and it feels a bit hard to wear them in public. I just worry about them looking really messy. So one of the things I want to buy is a practical wig I can wear out in public and stuff. I've been really wanting purple hair lately. And I want my hair cut short. (like pixie cut.. which I might do sometime next year, I just wanna enjoy this long hair for a bit longer) and I found this wig.

I  have this hair cut before and I really liked it, and it did suit me, soo I'm thinking I might buy this wig so its more permit and I won't deal with it growing out, and the color will stay really lovely.  I hope this color matches me! 

Sandy Cat Family Names

This is just a write up for my calico critters Sandy Cat family! This is all made up! :)  I just like writing up bios!

The Cat family is a very adversities family, they are always out doing something! Even when you don't expect it! The cat family really is into having cat naps during the days, The full family is known for eating lunch and then going for a nap. They also love gardening but they can get really carried away if no one is there to stop them.  Cats by there nature are usually up in trees or hanging out around a pond somewhere's awaiting to catch fish.

Mamma Cat (Lucy)- Mamma cat really isn't a big fan of cooking, shes much more of a fan just eating food the way you get it, with the exception of fish. Mamma cat knows how to skin and remove organs for the fish she is about to feed her husband and babies. Mamma cat jumps for joy when fish is brought home. When Mamma cat isn't making fish, she is usually found in a corner of the house. She'll be knitting or sewing up something. Being in an active family she is always sewing and fixing something. If she doesn't she knows her babies will get the better of the cloth and pull on loose strains!

Mamma has her naps after she has a cup of milk. She also is someone who really focuses on manners and being always clean.

Papa Cat (Luther)- Papa cat is a fishercat. If he isn't at home sleeping with mamma cat or helping with house hold chores he is out fishing, or hunting for shell fish of some kind. Papa cat loves to go out fishing and he'll take his little ones with him.  He also loves fish and he'll eat them raw when he is at sea. (But don't tell Mamma cat this!). He is working on making her a pearl necklace. He is a caring Papa and a super sweet husband.

When he isn't busy he is normally at home being with his son and running around looking for his young daughter.

Lily - Lily is the daughter cat. She loves the ocean and she feels like she was a sea kitten in a passed life and it has carried on with her in this life.  If shes at home she's helping her friend look after her baby sister, or she is hanging out with her little brother looking up at the sky. When she out you can find her at a beach somewhere's. Shes always looking out at the sea or poking her head into pools of water finding interesting things in them. She loves to draw. She wants her own pet fish. But she was told she can't. She also collects a lot of sea shells.

Leo - Leo is the brother cat. He is a big soften when it comes to being a brother towards lily. Lily will try and play tricks on him, and he knows they are going to happen and he just plays along. He loves space. Leo wants to work as a astronauts sometime. He currently is mapping out the current star systems that are over his town! The star systems are really interesting because they are different from his books.  

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone is having a good Christmas this year. I've had a really lazy Christmas, and I keep wanting to sleep but I know I shouldn't. Sleeping a bunch just makes my depression worst, and I feel like I'm in a depressed state.  I'm having ham tonight and I'm also going to cook some veggies for me to have with my dinner. I've been just watching some stuff on YouTube. I've been feeling really emotional lately so Christmas feels a little odd.

 My Dad is getting me a pre-paid card for Christmas so I can buy myself something, I'm excited about that.. I might just get myself some stuff from amazon. I know tomorrow is going to be boxing day, and I do want to see if I can find some cheap christmas chocolate. ^^; I want Kinder Chocolate. 

Calico Critters Update

So yesterday I went out to do all of my Christmas shopping. I got my boyfriend his gift which is already opened, and I also got our roomie some oreo cookies and I also bought my friend something super cute! She isn't over and I don't want to spoil it.

A got my boyfriend some nommy treats and I also got him a steam card, So now he can buy himself a new steam game if he wanted too. >W< I got to spoil him. Which makes me feel happy. I like spoiling people.

Also yesterday I also went out and I bought myself two things, one of finishing my classes and one as an early Christmas gift. Guess what I bought myself? Stars with a C! If you guessed calico critters you are right.

I bought myself to things for my house. I got this:

Its a really adorable bath set and I like that it comes with a pose-able baby bear. The only thing is the little ones head doesn't move, but she comes with her own bathtub and bath time supplies and a towel and a super cute pj set. I also adore the floor mat she gets!

I also bought a bunk bed for the room. 

I'm going to have the little bear sleep in the same room as her big sister bear. The little one sleeps on the bottom bunk and the big sister bear sleeps on the top. 

This is what their room looks like with everything:

So it feels like I have one room "done". I know I want to buy a baby set. I'm thinking of Sophie's Love n care set. It has some other cute pieces in it, and I can also put some things then around the house, like move the bathroom stuff up to the real bathroom area. For when I get a bathroom in.  I also can add some toys for the baby critter to play with and have them strung about the house. But so far this is their room.  

I also wanna make it a bit cuter more so because there is an teenager bear living in that room too. So I'm going to add some hanging things from the ceiling and I'm thinking of making making some kind of little shelf so the big sister bear can have some belongs up with her. But this is my first room mostly "done". :3 

The next room I'm going to finish for sure is going to be the living room. It already has a built in fire place and stuff around that area, so its a pretty easy room to do up.   It just needs an area for people to sit at.

Then after I'm doing the living room, I need to figure out if I want to buy the stuff for the bathroom first or do the kitchen.

Updated Bucket List

I wanted to post my updated version of my bucket list. I feel like its always nice to go back to bucket lists and add or remove things, and move stuff around. I always figure out things I want to do, and its just a matter of adding them. So enjoy reading my new bucket list.

Bucket List 

Traveling: 

• Travel to Italy
• Travel to  England
• Travel to  Egypt
• Travel to  Ireland
• Travel to  Greek Islands
• Travel to Scotland
• Travel All around Asia.
• Travel to Australia
• Travel to Wales
• Travel to Northern Ireland
• Travel to Iceland
• Travel to Denmark
• Travel to Norway
• Travel to Fiji
• Travel to Hawaii
• Travel to Florida
• Travel to PEI
• Travel to New Brunswick.
• Travel to Tofine (BC)

Aspirations:

• Keep doing College and do the early learning and Care program. / Graduate College
• Work In a Day Care
• Get married one day even if it’s a simple set up for the marriage.  (With 50 people!)
• Keep going with the healthy way I am right now.
• Recover from my anxieties, depression, PTSD and learn to deal and cope with my BPD.
• Write a book about my life, Be published.
• Be a mum
• Learn another language I'm thinking of Japanese, or something like Irish Gaelic.
• Get back into gymnastics
• Do Yoga
• Learn to swim and dive and hold my breathe under water for at least a minute!
• Learn to Pole Dance.
• Get my dream job
• Learn the Violin.
• Learn/ Try surfing
• Get a farm or big chuck of land I can make into a home for feral cats, and cats people no longer want.  This would be non-profit.
• Getting a farm for my highland cows, dogs, and sheep, and a pet piggy!
• Make money selling sea glass
• Save 15,000 dollars

Miscellaneous:

• Write a letter to a Disney Princess!
• See Killer whales when they migrate in the spring.
• Go see Cirque Du Soleil
• Watch the metro shower. Also spend a summer night looking at the stars finding things in the sky.
• Have a sleep over in a blanket fort. 
• Adopt a killer Whale. (I really want to do this)
• Try felting
• Make Miniature things for my doll house with Clay
• Become more comfortable talking to people. 
• Help homeless animals. 
• Have a few Mori Kei pieces 
• Get a second ear piercing
• See the Blood Moon.
• See Anne of Green Gables live
• Go to the Green Gables original site
• Do a Pinup Photoshoot
• Go to burning man
• Go to shakespeare’s globe and watch a play there.
• Get money from all over the world.
• Build A tree house that can double as a house I could sleep in as an adult in the summer.
• Learn to knit
• Learn to crochet
• Build a house for someone else in need.
• Do all my cosplays 
• Find, & volunteer, for a charity group or two that I truly believe in
• Pose nude for a drawing
• Deep sea dive
• Swim with whales, dolphins, sharks, Manatees, sea turtle, and other super sweet ocean life! In there natural habit! (And in a safe and controlled manner. I don't want to be eaten!)
• Get a pet kitty again
• Build a fairy home
• Go Winter Camping
• Relax in a natural hot spring
• Collecting feathers from all over the world
• Go to Walt Disney World, And Disney Land
• See Fairy Pools in Scotland
• Get all the Sky Doll Comics
• Go to Keukenhof
• Adopt a whale, shark and dolphin.
• Do Gold panning
• Go Kayaking
• Go Skinny dipping
• Color all of the pages in a coloring book
• Have a pen pal
• Have a paint war
• Go to a Renaissance fair
• Get back into pottery.
• Go to a Slut walk
• Try out Horse Back Riding
• Participate In a huge pillow fight.
• Run In the Goddess Run.
• Have a pet red fox. (You can’t in BC!)
• Attend a Masquerade
• Learn to shoot a gun.
• Go to the Studio Ghibli Museum
• Get a bow and do archery
• Plant my own garden
• Go Ziplining
• Feed Bats
• Pet a Red panda 
• Get My Tattoo I want.
• Go to a mermaid festival
• Meet LIGHTS In person
• Have a Nerf gun war with friends.
• Stay In a Ice Hotel
• Learn to Irish Dance
• Go to Weeki Wachee & see mermaids
• Go to Craigdarroch Castle
• Go to Victoria Bug Zoo
• Go to the Zoo In Vancouver
• Go to Stanley Park.
• Go to Science World
• Go see the Nut Cracker Live
• Go to M&M’s World
• Have my cartilage pierced 
• Watch a sunrise
• Start My Sea Glass Shop on Etsy
• Make a lot of my own beauty products
• Grow my hair out
• Go Paddle Boarding
• Make something I will use from knitting or crocheting
• See Fireflies.
• Go See the Nut Cracker Live. 
• Go to the Cat Cafe in Vancouver 
• Go to a cat cafe in Japan
• Go to the fox island out in Japan
• Go to the My Little Pony Cafe in Japan 
• Finish my calico critters doll house.
• Get a New ipod
• Get a Pet Ferret
• Move into a house that is pet friendly
• Do some more Vlogs
• Get a christian piercing.
• Make something beautiful
• Donate food to a food bank. (baby food and gluten free food are my ideas)
• Get one of my photographs published.
• Meet the Cast of Sons of Anarchy
• Try food from all over the world
• Try candy from all over the world
• Donate Blood.
• Go to Beatrix potter's house.
• Move to Vancouver
• Be a homeless persons secret santa 

Meet Famous people

• Meet Hannah the Mermaid.
• Meet LIGHTS
• Meet Lynda Cater
• Meet Taylor Momsen
• Meet Miss Mosh
• Meet Dita Von Teese
• Meet Ellen Hopkins 

Dream Broom

I went to this place a few years ago, Its called "North Woven Broom" Its a really lovely little broom shop outside of Nelson. We had to take a ferry to go over to the area that had really cute shops, and this was a shop I was really excited to go to. They hand make brooms and they have brooms in different sizes, and there shop smelt to great. My goodness. Everything from what I remember was hand made and they were working on brooms when I was over in the fall, and thats what they do. Summer is suppose to be really busy for them. But the brooms are beatiful, the wood its self is so smooth and lovely to touch, and the brooms made me feel really happy. I want one for my alter, I feel like they are a beatiful work of art. (They also sell them out here at a local witchery shop!)

They also were the people who made brooms for Harry Potter. So if you are a Harry Potter fan, well you now know where to get your broom from.

The shop lady was really nice and I know I'm going to buy a broom from this shop one day. Maybe I won't be able to go to the location, but I know I want to support them somehow!

They also make super neat brooms with alters and stuff too. 

If you want to see more pictures for that shop you can find them here:  https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.326523247503633.1073741829.325440194278605&type=3

Whew

I'm so happy because school is now done for me, for at least fall. I did my final today and I think I did really well, I didn't feel nervous for the exam, I felt rather good about it, and I feel like I understood all of the questions and I didn't have a lot of pressure which was nice! I feel like I've passed English and I passed my psychology class. I'm just really glad its all over. I do love my English classes and I want to do more, but for now I just want to take a break. Enjoy my holidays, and mindlessly enjoy anime and have some personal time. 

I don't plan on taking any classes for the winter, I'm thinking I'm going to take a break and work on some personal stuff. Which does mean therapy, I feel like I get so caught up in school that I forget about personal time, and then managing stress becomes too much for me. I also know for the fall I was struggling because of a lot of issues like my depression become really bad, and my anxiety. So I just want to take a small break, and work on some skills and maybe also sign up for some group work. Which does interest me. I know when I start group work I'll probably share about it on here. 

Who am I?

This is a question that spins around and around in my head, and I know so  many people would tell me "well everyone asks that at your age" but its not so much that. I think a lot of people have a plan or idea of what they want to do with life, even if it makes them anxious. For me I'm not even at that stage of planning something and then blindly and in a disorderly manner trying to find it, and maybe grabbing at other things, but still finding my way. Thats not me. I wish it was. I think life would be just a different jumbled mess.

I feel like I can wary my thinking mattering on who I'm around and with.  I feel like people would say thats me too, or I do that.  But I think or at least understand is a lot of people don't change there everything, Its just people might become more open when they talk to someone who doesn't share the same views, or they simple just don't talk about things that might not be comfortable for them and might cause some kind of hostile environment. I know sometimes too people end up having a door open they didn't think about before. But for me I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about new and odd things.

For me its not so much that and its not about clinging to social norms because I'm scared of breaking free. I'm more then comfortable to walk away from the social norms and to just be like screw everything and go live in the ocean. But, Its more like, Its more like this:  I could be walking one way, and someone might be walking another way and I follow them.

Its... I dump plans as I make them. I change myself in a way and by the time everything is done I feel so confused on what I even started or why. And I feel like I'm then not even making myself happy, because who the hell is me? It makes me just sit there and feel more dumbfounded and then I just want to scream. Because who the hell is this girl? Sometimes it makes me want to smash mirrors when I see myself and scream at myself saying "Thats not me." but I know it is, somehow.

I feel like I jump from thing to thing and I sometimes wish I could just be me. But being me makes me really anxious, and it also makes me wonder, what is me? When I was younger I tried to figure out who I am/what I was. Apart of me really felt like I wasn't human and to be perfectly honest those thoughts still linger, when I was younger I thought I was a mermaid of some kind. Just landlocked, and now I don't know. Sometimes I think I am a mermaid, sometimes I just feel like I'm a cat trapped in a humans body. I don't view myself as otherkin for anyone who is wondering. I feel like otherkin is a joke of some kind created by the internet.

But, anyways, it makes me so mad honestly. It makes me mad at myself, and basically at everyone around me. It bugs me that I'm so easily able to just be shaped into other things.

For some people I'm...

• A daughter/niece/sister/ family member of some kind.  - this means that I have to deal with a lot of problems and deal with the emotional stress.
• A witch - This means something that my family doesn't really understand or see "why". It means people look or act weirdly around me. Or I'm going to put some spell on them. If I could, I would put one on people to stop being so damn judgmental.  
• A anime fan - Which means I'm probably some werido weeaboo. Or someone who thinks I'm married to anime characters. 
• A lolita wearing - Which means a bunch of things. some of them are it means people think I'm stuck up, or I'm a werido. Or somehow I'm like into the book lolita and i'm wearing clothes? (Btw, your probably looking for the word nymphet. ) 
• Mentally ill - Which means there is something wrong with me. I'm making things into a big deal, I'm just making things more problematic then I really need too. and I'm nuts. 
• I'm Bisexual - Which means I'm again some werido, and in some cases I'm a 'fake' or 'false' person. And bisexuals don't exist. 
• a person with bpd - Which means I'm a bitch and I shouldn't be in love with people or anything else like that. And I'm nuts and crazy. 
• ...
• Ect

For me I can't even figure it out, like when I look at myself, I don't really know. I can point out things I like... but do those likes really make me, me? If I like anime, does that mean I'm now anime? I don't think so. This full thing just confuses me. Everything confuses me. I don't really know who I am, and this is why I tend to just say I'm "me" because its the only thing that makes sense.

 The idea of applying terms and saying this is me, and that is me is just to complex, and when I struggle with my own identity it confuses me more, it also makes me really upset and confused too, because I feel so anxious with being me, because I have no idea who me is. Who is me?

What I've completed so far in my life

With my illnesses and my low self esteem sometimes Its hard to remember all of the things I've done. There is some things I think I should always credit myself for, like waking up in the morning, eating, taking my meds, and remember that days come one at a time, hour by hour. But sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes I can still be really hard on myself. So one of the things I've started to do is track things I've finished off of my bucket list. Its important I think to sometimes remember really great things you've done in the passed year that you wanted to do. 

So this is my list of bucket list items from this year, 

✔️ Do marine biology- This has been on my list since I was a little girl. I've always been drawn to the ocean and I still am. I would still like to do something to do with the marine life in our local area. I also would love to do something for our orcas out here. I mean, they are beautiful, and powerful creatures, and I want to look after them somehow!
✔️Go whale watching - this was on my list, I sadly didn't see any whales, but I did get to see a lot of really cute sea animals, and see California sea lions! Oh and I also saw a super super super cute sea otter too!
✔️Weed -  This was on my list, but I finally tried it this year. I did it about 2-ish times and I think I really enjoyed it. I only ever did a little bit and I was really comfortable. Its not as scary as I thought it would be. I do remember asking "What do I do?" and "how does this work." xD
✔️Grow my hair out - This one is going to be added because I have successful not ripped or even chopped all my hair off this year! so YAY! Go me. Its also long, I still want it to be longer.  But I have done a really good job with growing my hair out.
✔️Figure out what path I want to do for witchcraft - I'm pretty happy that I've been able to figure out what magical path I want to go down, and I think sea magic is the best choice for me.
✔️Meet and talk to people who are also passionate about sea stars- BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED AND IT MADE ME SO FREAKIN' HAPPY.
✔️ Get better with my anxiety - I feel like my anxiety is something I have been working on really well. I wouldn't call it done or fixed but I feel like I'm at a different stage then I was about a year ago.

This is my last one:
✔️Feeling more comfortable with the way I am. - I feel like over this year I've learnted more things about me, and have uncovered things I didn't know about myself. I've also been able to kinda see myself throughout the fog I've been dealing with, I've also been able to take myself away from things that are really toxic or are a struggle. So I feel like this year I have became more comfortable with myself then what I have been in the passed few years I've been. I'm not perfect and I'm not no longer uncomfortable with me. I'm just better with a lot of things I've figured out. 

Cat Cafe!

So I found out that a cat cafe has opened somewheres that's slightly local to me. I mean I'd have to take a boat to get there, but! I'm really excited on going at some point in time in the new year. I've been kind of really exciting and hoping that a cafe would open somewheres in Canada and local to me. I mean I love cats, I LOVE cats. Have I gotten the point across yet that I love cats? Well I do.

If you don't know what a cat cafe is, Well its basically just a coffee shop that you can buy coffee in and goodies like cookies, and there is also cats just hanging about the cafe that people can pet or play with. Its really big in Japan, and Its one of those things that I think people should see more. I know as someone who can't have a pet, its really pleasant to go to a place that has cats. It really calms me. So yeah, I love that there is now a somewhat local cat cafe. And you know another good part of this is the fact that the cats are donated from SPCA, I think you can still adopted them when you are there too. Which is so cute.

If there is a tabby cat I'm probably going to be super happy. I know when I go I'm going to take pictures. I kinda need too. Its cats and I love cats.

I also feel like I'm going to just be there and be like :

Me: *pet pet pet* Mew mew mew! *pets more cats* Nope I'm never leaving. This place can adopt me.

Hello, How are you?

This is one of the songs that makes me feel so comfortable and okay with myself. It makes me feel like its okay to cry, but also be able to smile and be "me." whomever that really is. I sometimes don't know who I really am.

But this song really comforts me.

Also this girl is super cute too when she dances to the song. It makes me wish I could dance to music and post it online, but I'm too shy for that. And I feel like I would be called a weeaboo.

Anyways here are the lyrics. English and Japanese, and I just googled them and pasted them.

mado o akete chiisaku tsubuyaita hawayu dare mo inai heya de hitori moonin asa ga kita yo doshaburi no asa ga tikutaku watashi no neji o dare ka maite	Hello! I opened my window and whispered. How are you? Alone in my room, with no one. Morning! The morning has arrived, with a heavy downpour. Tick-tack. Someone please rewind my spring for me.
haro mukashi no anime ni sonna no ita kke na hawayu urayamashii na minna ni aisarete suriipin baka na koto itte naide shitaku o shinakucha kurain namida no ato o kakusu tame	Hello! I think that kind of person appeared only in old anime. How are you? I am so jealous, that someone can be loved by all. Sleeping... I must stop saying silly things and start preparing. Crying... In order to hide my tear marks.
mou kuchiguse ni natta "maa-ikka" kinou no kotoba ga futo atama o yogiru "mou kimi ni wa zenzen kitai shite'nai kara" sorya maa watashi datte jibun ni kitai nado shite'nai keredo are wa ittai dou iu tsumori desu ka	"Oh well whatever" has become my favorite phrase. That line from yesterday went straight over my head: "I don't have any expectations of you anymore." Well, even I myself don't have any expectations of myself, but still, what was THAT for?!
nodomoto made dekakatta kotoba kuchi o tsuite deta no wa uso kou shite kyou mo watashi wa kichou na kotoba o rouhi shite ikite yuku	The words that escaped from my throat were nothing but lies. Today, too, I have wasted some valuable words, as I continue living my life.
naze kakushite shimau no desu ka warawareru no ga kowai no desu ka dare ni mo aitakunai no desu ka sore hontou desu ka aimai to iu na no umi ni oborete iki mo dekinai hodo kurushii no sukoshi koe ga kikitaku narimashita hontou ni yowai na	Why is it that you end up hiding it? Is it that you're scared of being laughed at? Is it that you don't want to meet anyone? Is that really true? Drowning in a sea of the name "ambiguity", I'm suffering because I can no longer breathe. I now have a small urge to listen to someone's voice. I am so weak.
ikkou ni susumanai shitaku no tochuu mourou to shita atama de omou "mou riyuu o tsukete yasunde shimaou ka na" iya iya wakatte'masu tte nan to naku itte mita dake da yo wakatte'ru kara okoranaide yo	With my preparation going nowhere at all, I start thinking with my hazy head: "Should I just find a reason so that I can rest now?" Nah, I know, I know, I'm just saying things, that's all, but I'm not going to rest, so don't get angry at me.
shiawase darou to fushiawase darou to byoudou ni zankoku ni asahi wa noboru ikite'ku dake de seiippai no watashi ni kore ijou nani o nozomu to iu no	Be I happy or miserable, the morning sun will rise fairly and cruelly. I'm already trying my best just to live, what else do you possibly expect of me?
naze ki ni shite shimau no desu ka hontou wa aisaretai no desu ka sono te o hanashita no wa dare desu ka ki ga tsuite'masu ka jinsei ni taimu kaado ga aru nara owari no jikan wa itsu na n darou watashi ga ikita bun no kyuuryou wa dare ga harau n desu ka	Why do you end up being bothered by this? Is it that you actually want to be loved? Who was it that let go of your hand? Have you come to a realization? If my life has a time card, then exactly when do I get off my "work"? Who will pay me my salary for having been living all this time?
sankyuu arigatou tte iitai no sankyuu arigatou tte iitai no sankyuu ichido dake de mo ii kara kokoro no soko kara oonaki shinagara arigatou tte iitai no	Thank you! I actually want to say "thank you". Thank you! I actually want to say "thank you". Thank you! Even if just for once, while I lament from the bottom of my heart, I actually want to say "thank you".
naze kakushite shimau no desu ka hontou wa kiite hoshii no desu ka zettai ni warattari shinai kara hanashite mimasen ka kuchi o hirakanakereba wakaranai omotte'ru dake de wa tsutawaranai nante mendokusai ikimono deshou ningen to iu no wa	Why is it that you end up hiding it? Is that you actually want me to ask you about it? I promise that I will not laugh, so why don't you trying tell me? I won't know anything if you don't open your mouth. You won't convey anything by merely thinking in your head. What a troublesome species of organism, the one called "human", that is.
haro hawayu anata ni haro hawayu	Hello! How are you? To you, I say "Hello! How are you?"

Thoughts on Krampus (Movie)

So I saw the Krampus movie this weekend, It was pretty good... at least I thought it was a good movie. It had some scary parts but I also liked how cheesy it was. I also found it not to be super scary, and there wasn't a lot of gore. I think the part that made my tummy curl up in a ball was the leg scene. But, that still wasn't to graphic. Its just more I guess the fear of the unknown I really liked. The only thing I didn't really like was the looks of the Krampus little buddies. They didn't really look scary, and I guess the laughing that they didn't also didn't come off as scary. It was more of like a goofy giggle compared to like an evil, I'm going to steal you and drag you to hell giggle. I think it was just darker for this season more then anything. But I did like it, Its also nice to see a different type of scary movie. I also liked the end. I'm a person who loves basically everything that was introduce to come back around. So that made me really happy. I don't want to spoil the movie.

I did like the music. And I found Krampus really interesting. My only real issues with him was that they covered him up with this big cape. Which I didn't like.  I didn't like it because they hid a lot of there work, and I guess it also bugs me because I would have liked to see all of the character. Even if it was once. It would have been nice just to see a glimpse.

One of my issues is the character deployment in the movie, I feel like none of the characters really changed other then one, That one would be the mother who changed. Which I liked but I felt like it was odd to see that the children didn't change at all. Which really did bug me, even more so the main character he didn't change. I mean, he was a kid so change isn't really expected but I would have loved to see some kind of change go on... And I mean, lets also just think of it this way. If some creatures where coming into my house and stealing those I loved I think I would feel pretty helpless and I don't think I'd turn into a super hero, and that kid had more guts then me.

I did like the movie and I feel like its something I could buy when it gets super cheap. (Like 5 dollars) to have and like watch maybe once a year.

Krampus

It should be said somewhere's that I tend to not be a fan of horror and I tend to be a person who will hide her face when horror is on, or I'll run for the hills. There has only been a few cases that I've found I've liked horror. I think what I tend to like more is suspense and thrillers. I do like jump scares only because they really scare me.  Like I've seen "Horror" anime's and some I just find to hard to watch, but I do have one horror anime I like, which is Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni Rei. I liked that one because it had an interesting story and you were peicing things together as it went along. Which is something I do like. I also have seen stuff like Sweeney Todd which is slightly horror-ish but I mostly just liked it for the sound track.

 I think my biggest issues with horror now a days is always around just senseless gore and really graphic rape scenes. I also tend to find the langue in horror sometimes to be really hard to focus on. And what I mean by that is, when movies use "Fuck" to often my brain turns to jello and I don't even know what I'm watching anymore. Like nothing makes sense.

So with that all being said, I have found a horror movie I'm interesting in seeing.

I know a little bit of krampus folklore. Very little and I've been looking into it more, and I do find it really interesting. Just because Its really not something people focus on. I mostly found out about krampus from a friend who was Gothic and really wasn't a fan of christmas. So more of someone who was into anti christmas. with that being said, I found krampus really interesting. And I think in a way it made a bit of sense in my head. We almost always have good paired up with evil, we have to. Its like a dynamic that is just seen in our world. When we see love and happiness we also can see horrible things. Its like, those two things need to exist side by side. 

That being said, I know its an american film so I'm not sure how much of the folklore is going to be kept. I know I looked into a bit. I basically just want to make sure it doesn't have 'rape', and surprise! It doesn't.  I'm going to see this movie for the weekend. I am bring my bunny with me. Just in case I get scared. I know my hands are going to be sweaty during the movie. 

Sea Witch

"THOUSANDS HAVE LIVED WITHOUT LOVE, NOT ONE WITHOUT WATER." W.H.Auden

I have two books on sea magic now, and I'm starting to feel really comfortable with the idea of doing sea magic. I've always been drawn to the sea, that explains why I moved to the coast and why I still stay out here, the ocean is beautiful and the sound the waves make is lovely, I also just love being able to go out into low tide and see all of the things that I otherwise wouldn't see hanging around.  The ocean is so beautiful and it has so much in it. When I did marine biology I did it to also further my scope and understanding of the ocean, and its help. I feel like its important more so when you get into things like witch craft to be really aware of the life that lives in the medium I'm going to work with. I know when I start to work on my book of shadows and add sea stuff I also will most likely also add the tradition uses and just the facts behind it. I feel like my beliefs go hand in hand with a lot of stuff. You know? Like just the traditional uses for sea weeds, and what they are used for witch craft. I also feel like I have a lot of knowledge of sea weeds because of my class.

But looking into the book I feel more confident and I will be thinking about looking for tools for my home alter now.  The two books I bought are wonderfully nice to read, and they even point at stuff like you should be aware of tide tables and really just research folklore in general with oceans, and have knowledge of the animals that live by you, ect.  I think for awhile I was really worried about how I would even be able to represent the different elements such as earth... ect when I'm just doing sea magic, but now I understand more. 

I'm also looking into making a rune set for myself with sea glass, or maybe my sea pottery I'm not sure yet. I do know I'm also interesting in sellling my sea glass that I don't use. So that'll be nice.  I just feel more eager and less lost and looking for guidence or dealing with the fear of doing something wrong. 

Spells seem to be interesting to and spell work. But first I want to just gather and make sense of what I've learnt so far. 

Thank You Matt!

So my boyfriend bought me another family set for Calico critters.He got me probably one of the cutest sets ever. I basically just want the bear and cat sets. And a hamster set! But look, look look! here are there family photos! (They aren't great. I also wanted a reason to take pictures. I haven't really taken any photos for the pass few months.) 

Anyways!

Tadaaa! 

Or should I say...

Tapawwww! 

*points at the dad and son cat, and how they both are wearing yellow like twins* 

I do want to re-name them. I think I wanna name the momma cat Lucy. I'm going to name her after my cat who passed away. as for the rest of the cats I don't know what to name them. I also need to then figure out there stories and stuff too. Because I like doing that for my calico critters. But yeah. For now just say hello to the pawsome family. 

*just like real cats they gotta put their butts in your face*
. . .
I mean... look at there super cute tails! 

Madoka Magica

Last weekend I finally was able to watch Madoka Magica. It's always looked really cute, but I've become really out of touch with watching anime. Its really hard for me to find anime that currently looks good.  But I saw it at the comic book shop, the manga, and I thought, well why not! Lets give it a shot! Plus there is different Magica manga I've seen now. And I kinda wanna read them.

I ended up watching this and it was really good, oh my gosh. It made me want to cry, and at the same time I have personal bones I want to pick with the blue haird girl. I really did like Madoka, and I adored Mami. 

I well say the art style really threw me off, when Madoka and her friends were fighting witches, how everything would change. I really liked it. I also liked how creepy it was, and how it was just leaving me question about whats going on, and whats going to happen in the next episode, which is something I do look for in anime.

 I try and stay away from magic girl anime, even through It was something I basically grew up on because its so based around finding love, and the love element is huge. And sometimes I feel like anime can get lost in that and it becomes the main plot and everything else around it kinda well.. drops.  But this one really blew me away.

A lot of people tell me its a yuri. I think the most I can really say is its inferred between to of the characters that something more is going on, or at least one of the characters cares about the other one a lot, but its not the main plot to the story. Which is again something I really like.

Also, Kyubey Is so freakin' creepy, I knew there was something wrong with that thing the first time I saw it. Its happy face is like to eerie for me.  But yeah, its a good anime, and I'm probably going to read the manga next, but I just wanted to say its really good. 

:)

Hello December, Its Day three of this month, and I haven't blogged on here since my birthday. I've been really busy with school, Its finally almost over by the way! My psychology class is over now, so now I'm just focusing on English, and my final for English is the 18th of this month. It'll be early in the morning. but I'm excited for it? If you can be excited for a exam.  My emotions go in a wave, so right now for English its just like the water is building to create a wave, so the water is full of excitement and interest. Once the waves comes however I'll be filled with fear and anxiety, then once I do the test I'll most likely feel sad or feel like I could have done better. It really sucks.

I've also been dealing with my depression so blogging is in the back of my head which is also why I haven't been on here. But I did have a good birthday. I don't know if I'm going to go bowling this weekend to be honest. I thought I was, but now I don't know? I hope I still can. I'd like too.

I might also be getting a new roommate which is one of my friends I made from Fetlife who lives local! She spent the weekend with me and my boyfriend last week. It was fun, we ate a lot of nommy food and watched youtube videos and we also watched anime together. :3 So it was a lot of fun. We didn't really do anything else.

I've also been on the personal quest of looking for anime to watch for all three of us to enjoy. But it seems a little hard to find anime it seems. A lot of the newer stuff looks really fan service-y or kinda boring.

I'm now 24!

Today Is my birthday, I have turned 24 years old.

Today has been a really good day, a super relaxing day. I've just spent it at home, I started new meds this weekend so it was also nice to just have a day with just the meds and getting all cozy, plus its my birthday so why not. Apart of me wished that I had something to do, but honestly being at home and doing nothing is pretty good for a birthday too. Sometimes doing nothing is just as great.

 I also get super excited on my birthday. The idea that I've lived another year just excites me. It also just feels special. So happy birthday to me. I feel happy because its another year I've lived, and I haven't given up. One of the things that keeps me going is the goal of seeing all of my birthdays. Is that strange?

Yesterday I went out with my boyfriend and one of our friends, we hung out around town and did some window shopping, we went to some geeky stores and looked at manga and other super cute things and basically just talked about anime. I think we also are going to be watching Madoka Magica as a group somepoint in time. I'm not sure when. We also looked at one of my favorite toy stores, it sells just vintage old toys, and weirdly enough also monster high dolls. They always look so out of place in the store. But yeah, It was nice,  we saw these really cute my little pony stable things. But they were miniature!  I think it was from the 1980s. We also saw a super super super old and cute polly pockets.

I also went out for sushi yesterday for my early birthday,  It was super yummy, I just got some salmon and I also got a veggie roll. It was super nommy! I also got to try some spicey sashimi too.  I'm also really happy because sushi is always a treat, and it always makes me feel happy. We also went to this new place that opened. It was called Grace Sushi or something like that. It was really nice, it was a small shop. But it was really nice. 

 I also got myself what is in the picture below:

I bought myself two bracelets, they both are made from real stone. The purple one is amethyst and the black one has lava stones. I bought them yesterday as an early birthday gift to myself. Together they costed 10 dollars. I think I'm wanting to wear more stuff like this.

Oooh, and for my treat for tonight, I bought myself a white chocolate bar. Its really yummy, but I haven't ate it all. I had one and a half squares. I wanna try and save it.  Also my family bought me a pre-paid card thing for 50 bucks for online, and now I'm like hmm, what should I buy.

But yeah, I had/am having a good birthday. <3

Not For Them

With recovery one of the things we learn is to make goals, achievable goals. Self-love goals. You see people around you, your loved one, friends, family, teachers, and doctors.  These people do care, and the simple reason behind this is because they don’t want to see a young person die, they don’t want to see someone they know die, they don’t want to see someone they watched grow up die, and sometimes people just want to be selfish enough to feel like they aren’t ready yet to say goodbye. And those feelings, those thoughts of those people. They are valid for them to feel. Express.

 You see all these people who tell you they want the best for you. You have people who also tell you things like “If you had died I would have never met you” “If you were never born, you’d never be in my life” “I would never realize how I can love someone. Regardless of whom the person is.” And so on...

When we choose, when I chose to recovery, get help, seek professionals, take meds, learn skills. A huge part of me did it for people, my friends, family, at the time for a different lover. These things I did was meant for other people, Yes a part of me saw this as something I should do for me. But a huge part of me did it for people. For fear of no friends, fear of not having someone to love me…. I felt like people would just…. Drift away from me.

But when you make goals to please other people, you realize these people aren’t going to be as proud until you get to the goal they have set for you. There expectation is different than yours. Not everyone is like this, and this isn’t a bad thing. But it’s the way people are.  If you see someone who is depressed and they never go out, people expect a 180, and anything other than that means you aren’t trying. Which is disappointing and its really angering.

The worst part about this, and the part that hurts the most is when these people no longer feel like waiting is something they can do, they can easily walk out of your life. Which leaves you at this question: Who am I even doing this for then?

If people tell you “I’ll talk to you when you change” it hurts, because these people see no change, even when you do. And these people will only ever come back when you realize you no longer need them, and in fact you never needed them.  Which brings this back to the question: Who am I even doing this for?

You, yourself. You are recovering for you.   

Recovery is never meant for someone else. Wanting to heal from depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, anxieties, the list goes on. It’s never about someone else, those people, they aren’t going to live your life, they aren’t going to be you. Yes, they get seen with you. But that is different.  That’s a presence.

You at the end of the day need to feel good with being you.

You Matter.

Your recovery is meant for you. 100% its for you.

Recovery and what you go through, the struggle, the stuff you dealt with before you got help, those don’t impact those people on the same personal level.

if you self harm, and you have scars and you family sees them they might be concerned, they might be ashamed, They might worry about you.  But that doesn’t mean that these people were somehow present within your mind, within your thoughts as they oozed out.

People can show concern, support, love. And love those people back. Those people can show you respect.
Show it to them back, but never forget yourself.

You come first. Recovery is for you.

Never recovery just for one person, do recovery for you. 

One of my fav songs for winter

This is one of my favorite winter songs.  I like it because its super cheesy and yes, it makes me think of winter, and it also for some reason makes me think of the winters in Ontario. So I do picture myself singing this and having a house, and having my SO singing this with me. I also like it because it can either be a male or female singing it, and its just really classic sounding. <3

And I adore this video btw. And the first womens outfit is utterly stunning, Like oh my gosh.

Butterfly Tattoo

I'm pretty aware of the butterfly project, and I really love it. It helps a lot. If you don't know what the butterfly project is, its something to help people who want to hurt themselves. Either that person or a friend, family member or SO can take a pen of any kind and draw a butterfly on the persons skin. For as long as the butterfly stays its alive, and if you cut/self harm before then you kill the butterfly, but if it fades the butterfly lives. Its kinda cute, and I've had a few butterflies and each of them have passed 'properly' and I think getting a tattoo of a butterfly on me might help me a lot with my urges of self harm. So, I've been thinking about is getting butterflies tattoo'd on me. 

I think two butterflies would be cute, and I know I want one to be purple because its one of my favorite colors. 

tree

This is the tree outside of our pouch, well the top of it. I think this might be were the tree frogs are living? :3 I like the tree so I wanted to share it.

Sea Glass Trade

I'm going to start doing a sea glass trade with people who want to send me a sea shell in exchange. I might also do it for other things, i'm not sure. But I know I want to at least do a sea glass exchange for some really pretty sea shells I can't find locally. Sea glass is free to find, It'll just cost money to ship, and I have small pieces and big pieces, and also an assortment of colors too. :)  I think I'll just stick to shipping the smaller pieces. People can then get more compared to just a few really big pieces.  

Newest Fav Anime

Recently I watched a new anime, It was called YuriKuma Arashi, Its really cute. I would totally suggest it, and without ruining it, Its a shoujo ai anime. Which means its about lesbians, I thought it was really cute, and the show it self was a little upsetting. I ended up crying. Its really cute through and there is a happy ending. They also have bears and super cuteness in it.  

As you can see. I also like it because even the bears don't look detailed (meaning there eyes) Its still really cute.  I notice a lot of people do complain about this anime because there is no males in it, but I think its became really normal for shoujo ai/yuri to be more focused around the exclusive females deal with when they are found out to be gay.  Males are more likely to just sexualize a female/female relationship, meanwhile women are more likely to be creeped out or uncomfortable by it.  

But anyways, the anime is really cute, It made me really happy watching it. And its really sweet.

And Lulu is my favorite character. Shes utterly adorable. 

And I totally wanna one of my make my calico critter cosplay now as Lulu. :X 

Lolita Meetup

This weekend I'm going to a lolita meetup and swap, I don't think I'm going to dress up in lolita, I think I'm going to just stay cute and normal because this is a selling swap, and as much fun as it is being cute. It'll be hard I think to deal with all of the frills and feeling unable to move.

I am selling a skirt, and two dresses I no longer can fit, I'm excited because I hope I can get something really cute for myself. I do keep thinking I want to try a sweeter version of lolita but I don't think it would suit me. I do know I wanna find some more classic lolita pieces which is what I mostly look forward too. I also hope I can have some left over money from going to the swap and getting myself a necklace I've been wanting for awhile now.  *(wicca related not lolita related.)

I feel a little nerves because I've stayed out of the lolita community for awhile. Anxieties and stress just make me want to hide from things I want to enjoy, I also am rather scared people are going to like me, or are going to think I'm this horrid person or I look horrible when I go to the meetup and stay away from me.  I don't know why I get these thoughts but they are so uninviting.

I hate them.

I do think my meetup will be good. I feel like it'll be okay. I know a few people who are going, and I know in the end I will be happy, either with getting an item or money.

But yeah, I'm excited, and nerves and a little confused! BUT I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE LOLITA MEETUP.

Hair Cut

I want my hair cut like this, It looks so cute. I haven't had my hair cut professional in a long time, the last time I had it happen was when I was being a hair model. And I think I would like to treat myself at some point to a hair cut, And yes, this is Gillian from Practical Magic (Actress is Nicole Kidman). Which is one of my favorite movies which I enjoyed on halloween btw. But anyways, I love that cut and style, I like also how it has some length and also some shortness.   I do love the color because I love having red hair, and I do want red hair again, but I want to keep my natural hair color for now. The temptation is so bad through. I might dye my hair next year in like Feb, or maybe march.

But  I also want the blunt bangs because they seem really cute.  I've always had the side swept bangs, but I would like to try the blunt bangs.

I'm still trying to grow my hair out, but I would love to get a hair cut as I grow it out. :3 I think I might wait through until my hair at least can touch around the breast area before I get it cleaned up and cut to a style.