Gala

Today I went to my first Gala. I also learnt that gala isn't just an apple, but an event set up type thing. So yeah, I went to an event, not an apple.  The event was for breast cancer and the processed go to that charity. They also had snacks, punch and they were doing people's makeup and nails. It only cost $10. Which isn't bad when you get a bunch of free stuff. We also got a grab bag for end, and we got signed up to do a give away. Which was nice.  I felt really happy. I never been to something like this before, and I'm slightly curious about makeup. So yeah, it was nice to be pampered for an hour, get my nails done and get makeup put on was nice. I asked for natural makeup, because thats what I'm the most comfortable with. So I got my makeup done and I felt all pretty. I also had people tell me I looked pretty so I felt special.

Oh yeah, and there grab bags were amazing! I got one that was meant for pale girls and it made me feel special and included.

I also used this five dollar coupon I got to by myself a bottle of perfume. So now I'm going to smell really pretty. 

Dinner

probably one of the yummiest meals I've made myself so far. 

Day four

Day 4: how you think your life would change if you achieved your dream


I've already achieved some of my dreams and goals already. Such as going to school and taking a course i wanted to take, so I feel like for the outsider it probably would looks I haven't changed at all. I mean I still love whales and I still listen to music and I spend more days reading books or watching anime. So from the outside it probably hasn't changed. But on the inside, my side.

I've noticed changes, like I feel more confident and I also have more knowledge and I'm not as scared anymore and I'm comfortable with being who I am. So from an outsiders view of someone who doesn't know me, I might look like I haven't changed. But if you knew me you might be able to notice the changes I have. So yeah.


I think my life would change, it just wouldn't be a huge change that everyone would notice. Just enough that I and other people close to me might notice. so I feel like my life wouldn't change much from the outside. I'm still me.

Dream You

These are things I feel like I can offer to someone.

•  Absolute loyalty!
• Unconditional love! 
• Impeccable wit!
• A perfect movie cuddler! 
• Polished manners!
• Supreme patience!
• someone who is independent!
• Someone who likes to learn about new things!
• Someone who likes to go out and do things. (I'm not computer bound! Just, relax when I want to blog about events.)  
•  Super amazing cooker and baker!
• A Artist! 
• A Ocean Lover!
• A animal lover!
• A happy girl!
• A model!
• A warrior and fighter!
• OH AND A TON MORE!!  

nom

Today when I was out picking up groceries I bought myself this for dinner. I don't tend to by premade meals, just because I can make them myself. But I've been craving mac and cheese like mad, and making my own at home is too much work, seeing as I really love home made mac and cheese. Not that powdered stuff. (Also the powdered stuff isn't gluten free) So I bought this, and it was really yummy! I really liked it. It tasted like what I expected and even better. I thought it would have like powdered cheese, but it tasked like real cheese thats been melted. So it was nice.

<3 I'm totally going to buy a couple of these for the summer so I can have some in the freezer for dinner when it gets really hot out. +

Day Three

Day 3: what you think your reason for being here is

Aside from the fact that my parents had sex and my mother got pregnant and they had me. I don't really see special or hidden meanings in birth. I'm not one of those people who believe I have a deeper meaning in life and I need to fulfill something because 'god' or some other unknown being wants me to. The reason I am here, even today, (Passed the lovely child birth and all of that) Is because I'm choosing to be here. I'm making a decision each day to keep living and keep doing what I want to do. So yeah, thats my reasoning for being here. Is because I want to live, so therefore I keep living.


:)

Day two

Day 2: something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal

Pot. And I don't say that cause I'm a pot head or something. Because I'm not a pot head. I've smoked pot twice and it was okay.

I just think out of all of the things that are illegal, pot is one of those weird ones. I still think that there should be laws, like don't smoke pot and drive. Just because pot effects people differently, but I think the use of it should be legal. My city has a lot of pot stores that have popped up. For medical pot, and I think thats great. But I think it would be nice if people who want pot could just go by it from a controlled place. Treat it like smokes, don't give it to minors. But other then that, let people have what they are spending money on anyways. Pot would help the dollar. So yeah, I think pot is something that should just be made legal.

Oh and I realize they might get there some day, I just think they need to juggle a lot of parts to pot before they start selling it. figuring out the yes and nos.

Day one

Day 1: hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself





My life is changing all the time and I think this would be interesting to start. Just to see where I'm going to be in a year from this time. I've gone though some massive changes. But I've needed them. I have a lot of goals and a lot of plans. I feel like I won't be able to list them all because I always find new things I want to try and something new will pop into my head and I'll be like, I need to do this.


Hopes: I hope I can keep up with my recovery path. I want to keep eating, and eating well. I also want to keep going with recovering and dealing with my mental illnesses and keeping up the supports I have. I really don't want to do self sabotaging. Which I can do, but I haven't in awhile and I want to keep up with that. So with being healthy I want to be able to also look out for myself and be able to get help when I need it, and not feel frightened or think I'm going to be judged.

School is something I also hope I keep up with. I think its really helped me with my mental health, to have some kind of structure, and also see results from my work. Compared to doing work and feeling like I receive nothing for it. So it really helps me to be in school. So I do plan on staying in school and I also hope I stay in school.


Dreams: I'm forever dreaming of things. I know I have lots of actives I want to do. I dream of having at least 9000 saved in the bank and I'm going to really work towards that this year. I also have my dream tattoo I want to get. I also really want to find a relationship thats health and I feel like I'm getting what I want from it.


Plans: I'm planning to stick to school and I'm planning on sticking to recovery. I also plan on doing a photoshoot, or at least a couple. I'm also planning on blogging on here at least ever day.

selfishness

I don't feel supported by my family. And to be honest, it makes me sick. I support them, I support what they are doing. And yet they can't support me. They won't let me recovery. They seem to just think screaming get over it is going to fix it. Or screaming 'the needs for the children are more important than yours" as a reason on why I can't speak about my trauma.

The fact that my dad can tell me what happened was dead wrong and gross and treats me like its some made up fairy tale. It hurts me. Being told its a lie, being told I'm lying. Being told by my brother that he is gay so none of that happened. It boggles my fucking mind why this is even related to anything.

They aren't my fucking children, and they need to grow up and realize its not just 'them' that was hurt. Its not just my dad that was hurt. The selfishness of it all irritates me. Someones trauma isn't even a big deal. Them speaking up about it? Its not them speaking up about it, its them screaming at me to shut up and threatening to leave me. That's not support, thats not speaking up. Thats being an asshole.


Lets just all complain in a group and try and get the oldest to be told to get over it so our feelings can be better. So my dad doesn't need to 'deal with this shit'. and he is so 'pissed off'. How do they think I feel?

I'm sick and tired of the slut shaming. I'm sick and tired of being told I'm selfish, I'm sick and tired of being told I'm the oldest and I need to just 'get over everything'. I can not. Trauma doesn't work like that. Read about PTSD compared to just screaming at me. Learn about how the brain stores information. I'm NOT in control of it.

The utterly selfisness of my family disgusts me. And I keep getting told not to talk about it on my blog, not to talk about it. I'm going to ruin my family, I'm going to make everyone hate me. I'm going to make family 'friends' leave them.

What the fuck about me? Do I not matter. Nope. Everything is for the sake of the 'kids' and yet one has been forced to grow up and be told her feelings aren't valid.

They want me to say it was made up, it was a lie. They want me to do so many things that I can not do. And if that makes me loose my family, what kind of family is that to start with?

I'm not going to shut up about it. I was sexual molested and if I need to keep screaming that I will. Because they need to smarten the fuck up and stop being so selfish. I don't even care if they are in shock.

melanie martinez themed questions.

Cry Baby 💧- Do you cry easily/cry a lot?
I can cry easily. I also take things really personal. But I try not to cry a lot because crying all the time isn't fun.

Dollhouse- Do you play with dolls? Do you collect them?
I play with calico critters which are dolls. I also collect them, I also have a few monster high dolls also. Oh and a Disney doll. (Its merida!) Merida was my first doll I bought as an adult. >3>

Sippy Cup- Do you use sippy cups? What’s your favorite thing to drink from them?
I don't. If I did use one I think my fav drink would probably be apple juice, or strawberry kiwi juice.

Carousel 🎠- Do you still ride the carousel at the fair/carnival?
I do! I enjoy them. They are a lot of fun and they also are really cute.  I tend to go for a horse of my favorite color. (I like purple so I go for horses with purple) But I haven't been on a carousel since my lolita meetup I went too, which was like 3 or 4 years ago.

Alphabet Boy- Do you like to sing along when you listen to music? Who are your favorite singers/bands?
I do like singing along with music. My favorite singers are Lights, and I really do like Melaine Martinez, but I also like Hillary Duff and yeah. :x I like pop.

Soap 🛁- If you take baths, do you add bubbles? Do you have bath toys?
I do add bubbles when I have baths. I don't have any bath toys though. Just bubbles.

Training Wheels- What is your favorite outside activity?
I really like walking. If I had a bike I would probably say biking. Oh I also really like skipping also. Skipping is fun.  but I really like walking.

Pity Party 🎂- Did you ever have birthday parties growing up? Can you talk about some of them?
I did! One of my birthday parties I had was a bowling party. I went to a bowling alley with my friends and we did bowl. although in the end a bunch of people stopped bowling because they'd hurt there fingers trying to get the bowling ball from coming up the ramp.

Oh and when I was like maybe 6 or 7 I really wanted a sailor moon cake so I got one for my birthday and I was so happy. That was a fun birthday too. I think it was just at home and we played party games and I had fun.
 Tag, You’re It- Hide and seek or tag?
Hide and seek!

 Milk and Cookies 🍼 🍪- Favorite desserts?
Cookies, cake, oh and pie. Pie is yummy. Oh oh oh! and sometimes something fruit is yummy too.

 Pacify Her- Do you have any pacifiers? Do they ever help you if you’re angry or sad?
I do, and they help when I'm anxious or in a sad mood. n-n

 Mrs. Potato Head- Favorite childhood toy?
When I was younger I think I really like those toys that kinda looked like lawn mowers and they have balls in them. As you push them across the floor they make popping noises and the balls bouncy, that was one of my favorite toys. I also really loved barbies, oh and ty beanie babies!

 Mad Hatter- Favorite Disney and Pixar characters?
Merida
Jane
Sally
Snow white. :)

White Tree Nymph (Idea Leuconoe)

Me

School

I have one week of freedom before school starts. I already went out and bought food for school and I bought a few back to school needs also. I bought myself some note books and pens and then some sticky notes so I can save pages.

I'm excited for school to start. I can't wait. I'm hoping I make friends in this course. It would be nice to make more friends.  I should try and be social. What ever that means.

Flowers

I went out for my first photowalk yesterday and I took pictures of pretty flowers. :) I really like taking close up photos of plants. >.<; Its like an obsession I have.  But its also how I see flowers. 

Tattoo update

So I'm planning on saving my money until July and then I think I want to treat myself to a tattoo.  I want a water colored butterfly tattoo'd on me. I want what is above to be my tattoo. I love the color purple and I adore butterflies so this tattoo has that going for it. Plus I'm an ex self harmer. (Although I did relapse which wasn't good.)  and I want something to represent the butterfly project.

So as long as I can save up until July I'm treating myself to a tattoo. If I can't, then I'll post pone the tattoo until I can get my spending in order. :) But this is my plan. Tattoo here I come! I'm also going to look more into tattoo and tattoo prep and stuff.

Update

So far in my life I have started to deal with stresses of other things, my relationship break up stress has passed and I'm starting to feel more comfortable again. I just need to relax and feel okay with what I've choose to do. The most I want currently is the work out bench removed from my room, and maybe I need to be the one to take it apart. But other then that, nothing really bugs me about us breaking up anymore. But the stresser of breaking up and being alone has settled. I do however feel alone now. But I think thats normal. especially when living with the same person still, just in a different room makes it rough.

I also am annoyed at something else. Well annoyed and frustrated and at the same time really angry and I feel anxious about this situation. I feel mad because whats going on isn't right.  Its a family matter. Plugging it out in a key board and seeing the words pop up before my eyes while I type I think is going to help me out though. Being writing is soothing for me. And I have no ill intend behind the words I'm picking.

 I think for me what stresses me out is this place was never meant to be a stressful area for me. I felt like I could share what I want to share and be okay. But my family has other views and they are unhappy by what I post and how 'vague' I can be. The issues is, what I talk about is only what I'm comfortable with talking about. When you go through trauma you don't share everything at once and be like okay, now I'm done. I'm recovered, I'm fixed. Recovery and trauma takes time to work though. 

Yes, I can speak a bit about my mom and what she did to me. Yes, I can openly say my dad use to belt me. Yes. I can only say that my mom molested me. and that term, molest no longer triggers me. because its just a word, what triggers me is the thoughts that are connected to that word. and until I can recover from that. Thats the only way I can describe what happened without triggering myself. Because getting into the gritty of the details is really triggering. Those thoughts I have, I'd rather keep them locked up until I can find a proper professional to work with me. 

One of the things I struggle with is my family telling me to say it's all a lie. Its made up. I think for me that says a lot about the situation that happened and maybe the state of my family is at. Maybe finding out was too much for them. Maybe they have their own stories. But there stories and their thoughts are theres. and what really happened to me, happened to me. Its not going to go away, but I feel like I can't tell them, its all a lie. its made up. Just to try and make them feel better. Because that is lying, and that to me is hurtful and its allowing stigma to stay. Its also a urge to keep my silent which I really can't handle.  

So I can't say its a lie. It happened, it really did happen. But one thing I can say is, even though it happened, even though everything happened. I don't hate anyone. I don't dislike my family. I dislike one person, and her actions could have been stopped.  Thats the only person I dislike. and thats not my Dad, thats not my little sisters, and thats not my little brother. That is one person. And that person knows what she did, and that person no longer has the hold of me staying silent. 

As a victim, we talk a lot about breaking the silence. we talk a lot about breaking patterns. And if I don't speak about this, and if I don't recovery, and if I don't become more aware. The fact is, the self blame and the self haterd will take over. And I could end up running into more problems long term and maybe be assaulted again.  So I get this might be tough for them, its tough for me. But I really do love my family and I feel horrible they read and they learnt something about me, they might not want to have known. But it does happen.

Its counted as rare, its counted as under reported. Because the fact is its not reported. Which means its not known.

Modeling and Boundaries

Modeling is one of those really special things you can try out and enjoy. Modeling is fun and energetic for some people, its also a creative and artistic form of self expression. But self expression can sometimes get in the way of boundaries people set out. Especially when you want to be creative. The part that makes this hard is just the perception the photographer or their peers might have on the images.

Boundaries are something almost everyone has, they are things that people don't want to have happened. Or are things people aren't comfortable in doing. Boundaries aren't a bad thing to have and they should be respected at all times.  Boundaries in modeling can be like I don't do nudes, I don't do fetish modeling. They are there for the comfort of the model, and even the photographer.

But boundaries also can be disrespected, and I'm going to speak about this in the models perspective.

The two above that I named are my boundaries, I won't get naked for a camera or a photographer, and I won't do fetish modeling. (Unless its pg13) for reasons that are simple, it'll make me feel uncomfortable. Being exposed is something I don't feel comfortable with. Unless I can trust the person 100% which hasn't happened yet. But this doesn't stop people from pushing. Back when I modeled more I was always getting bugged for nude photo shoots. Why, well because nude photography is really beautiful and breathe taking, but mostly I feel like some people really do just like taking naked pictures.

Which isn't a bad thing. I have nothing against nudity, but what I do have a problem with is when boundaries try to be pushed. It gets bad when the topic of nudes gets brought up once and the model says I'm sorry but I'm uncomfortable with that, and a photographer continues to push. Either by still discussing nudes as an option or they try and tell you, you'd be really pretty naked.

I've had my nudes taken once, and that experience that I can look back on was bad. The shoot went okay, and I do like the photographs I got from it, my only problem I have with it, was the added sexual harassment at the end, which was me being told I look really hot and I gave the person a boner and we should have sex. For me, coming out of an abusing and being emotionally not stable, it didn't help. In fact I blamed myself and thought well if I didn't get nude photos taken, this guy wouldn't have said what he said. but the fact is, he might have still. and that is one of the risks I see with photoshoots that could be fetish themed or nudity. You might not know the comments you are going to even get from a photographer until they come.

So I think its important to always figure out what your boundaries are, and figure out what you might do later on, just not yet. I think thats important because it also shows your more mature and you have your path you want to do, weither its a hobby or a career path. It looks like you've thought it out more clearly.

Modeling thoughts

I'm feeling like I might get back into modeling, but I'm not sure. I'd have to re-get my connections in order and connect with photographers again.  Which isn't hard its just trying to find the time, but I think that I'm starting to heal better from what happened to me with a photographer that I feel like I'm able to take the step and try getting back into modeling.

I think now I'm just going to be more selective with who I shoot with and why. I feel like I might be a bit camera shy for my first new shoots if I have any. I'm also easily a shy person so that also would cover that too. I'd need to probably get new photos taken because I'm so much older now. But I'm really thinking I might try modeling again now that I'm a bit older and I'm a bit wiser. I know I have some styles I really want to stick too and I feel like I'm more comfortable with those styles then not really knowing.

I would like to do..

• Mori Kei shoots
• Pinup 
• Mermaid/Siren 
• Lolita  
• Cat Girl
• Fairy 
• Some photos in the water

I also want to try and do a shoot that's inspired by Melanie Martinez.  But yeah thats my generic list for now.

pinup

I really like Pinup fashion. its a fashion style I'm super obsessed with. I found out about pinup maybe back in 2013 I think. I found out about it when I dove down the rabbit hole of kink, and I was met up with the friendly pinup fashion and life style. I like it because of how colorful and classic it looks.

Pinup for me is one of those fashions that are just so perfect and it has a very specify look to it. It also shows off a lot of curves of the women. You also get to see the beautiful cat eye makeup and the hair rolls which takes hours to do. 

I personally want a pinup inspired shoot, I love pinup clothing. The closet I've gotten to a pinup shoot was having my own photos taken when I was at home with my ex.  

But yeah I love pinup fashion. I love looking at the photos and I wanna get back into looking at more pinup stuff. Its such a cute fashion. and I love the attitude with it also. 

Selling

i'm selling my two really old collars. One is a posture collar and one is just a regular normal collar. Both are hand made. And they are meant for 11'' neck. I'm going to put them on etsy to sell them. Its taken me some time to sell these. Being collared was really special and I'll always keep my day collar, but these I think I can sell. 

Room wants

This is the stuff I want for my room.  I really want white stuff for my bedroom. But I just wanted to share what I want. Its on my wishlist. 

I really need a dresser, I don't have one. 

A desk like this would be nice . It has little holes for me to put stuff in, plus it would be a good home for my computer and any school work I need to do. :)

I'm also in need of book shelves for my room too. So I added a small one and then a lager one for my room. My books need a home. 

my plant

My peas are growing. they are so cute and small! I keep watching them grow up. I can't wait for them to get big and strong!

Dismissive

When people are dismissive it hurts. It hurts because the person is ignoring your thoughts and your feelings and basically telling you, "Hey, you know those feelings? yeah well I don't care."  I think a lot of people get being dismissive as like a form of tough love, I also hear this term being used "Tough love". I tend to wonder what tough love really means.

I mean love its self is a word that is placed on an feeling or object that we become fixed on. Love describes a fuzzy happy feeling. Love is something people experience and its not meant to be rough. Meanwhile tough, tough makes me think of objects that take a long time to break, or an object that can't be broken. Tough means strong. Sturdy

So what is strudy about hurting someone. What is loving about spilling hurtful and nasty words from your mouth?   Its not even love, there is no affection to it. Its like, its making that person not feel valued. It makes that person feel like their feelings don't matter. Its a way to manipulate someone to do a behavior you want. Its trying to mold something into shape. But as I pointed out, tough isn't moldable. So isn't this kinda of ridicules? Maybe?  Why can't people call it like it is? Why do we sprinkle the word love on it. To try and make it seem more appealing? More of a bitter sweet word to trickle off of the tongue of the speaker? Why do we need to care. If your being rude, let those words prick you and damage you as they are meant to damage the person who has to hear them. Tell the truth and label the word as it is.

Its being rude. Its not caring.

Because if you were telling it like it is with an objective view. You'd be looking at the situation and studying it like you would an object. You wouldn't add your personal view and you wouldn't word it in a way to show your view. You'd describe what you see. Not what you feel.

Telling it like it is, would be looking at a situation and being matter of fact about it.
Not matter of opinion.  thats not being objective. Thats opinionated.

Saying 
this is too much.
I don't want to deal with this.
I'm just doing whats good for you.
 you need to get over this.
 why don't you try being happy.

That is dismissive. 
Saying that is hurtful. 

When you say that, you are ignoring the persons struggles. You are ignoring the persons successes.

Our Castle

This is our castle that is out here. Its so lovely and cute. Its huge on the inside and its done up so lovely. I should really visit this place with my SLR. I went there years ago with my old camera but my computer got wiped and I lost most of the pictures. 

I wanna plan a day trip to somewhere's like this with some local friends. Or with one of my local groups. 

Coin

I have two of these in my collection  of coins. I remember when they came out I was like oh my goodness this is adorable. I wanted one so bad, and I ended up getting two in the end just in change.  I love the deer and the nature.

I also love the details of the little fish, like salmon too.

I just wanted to share with you all one of my favorite coins.

Lastest buys

I bought myself fancy coloring pencils because I really like coloring, its something I feel like I can dedicate time to and I also know its something I do a lot. It helps me cope with my anxieties.  I feel really good with this buy. I also really like the markers. They are great for fine details. 

I bought myself a collar because I miss wearing one. Plus I thought it would be nice to buy myself a collar treat so I don't deal with bad feelings towards the collar, compared to other ones that came from former lovers. Its really comfy and the leather is nice. I do need to punch a hole in it someday, but currently its fine. 

(I have a tiny neck, so the smallest hole gives it wiggle room still.)

I also bought myself two really good coloring books also. They are really cute. I'm excited to start them. The Japanese one has a variety of coloring pages. Some are more difficult while others are really hard. As for the vintage one, its really cute and the pages also vary from hard to simple pages which is nice. 

I also bought myself a bucket of books to read. I bought myself Crimson peak, The Book of Life, Courtesan, Girl Interrupted and the last one is The Danish Girl.  I'm really excited to read all of them. They all look really good. Girl interrupted is about a girl with bpd. The rest don't have to do with bpd they are just interesting books I want to read. I'm really excited for courtesan. It might be really good. I also am looking for something to fill the emptiness that I got from Memoir of a Geshia. 

I Should Live Because...

• I am a beautiful person.
• I am a strong person.
• I am a feeling person. 
• I am a fighter. 
• I am brave
• I still haven't met people yet. 
• Tea is one of the best things to drink, and its also interesting to watch when milk is poured into a cup of tea.
• I like the people who I have choose to keep in my life. 
• I like being able to pick up books and read them. 
• I like the smell of new books. 
• I like the smell of new things in general
• That one smell that puts me at ease. 
• I can bake as much as I want.
• I can cook as much as I want.
• I can make my rules.  
• I have holidays I really like. And I have months that I get excited for.
• I am a creative person. 
• I am a passionate person.
• I am a reader and writer.
• I love Poetry and short stories, along with fictions.
• I find learning new things interesting and exciting.
• of Comic books, Manga, anime and tv series that I love.
• that feeling when someone tells you they love you. 
• Chocolate is one of my favorite things to eat.
• Lighting and blowing out candles is relaxing.
• scented candles are wonderful.
• Who else is going to color my coloring books?
• The sound of rain hitting a window.
• I still have dreams and goals.
• I still have a bucket list I haven't completed.
• I want to be able to accomplish my goals.
• I want to be able to travel. 
• I want to be able to tell my story to people.
• I want to be able to hear other peoples stories.
• I want to meet my idols.
• I like having sleep overs with my friends.
• I still haven't photographed all of the world yet.
• I am a cat person.
• I am a dog person.
• I am a hamster person.
• I am a ferret person.
• I wont be able to see stuff killer whales no longer
• Sleep overs with your friends
• Being able to learn new things.
• I enjoy doing photography
• I like being able to go on forest walks
• I love my stuffed animals
• Eating breakfast for dinner
• I want to do everything I can in this life
• I won't be able to get my tattoo then
• I don't want to just be an old photograph
• the sound of chirping birds
• Finding cute panties is the best feeling.
• of the days when I can truly smile because I'm happy.
• I won't be able to drink Slurpee's anymore
• I want to listen and see LIGHTS live a few more times in my life.
• I wouldn't be able to buy things anymore
• I wouldn't be able to go to the beach anymore
• I wouldn't be able to walk in a wooded area
• recovery is something I want to keep trying.
• Hugs are wonderful when I get them
• Sex is amazing

Recovery Inspiration

Recovery is possible. It just takes time and each day is a step. Never stop trying to recovery and never give up. I'm one week now clean of no self harm. So congrats to me. I'm going to keep going with this stage of recovery. I felt so bad because I slipped up. 

I also thought I should make this post because its important to keep being inspired to get better. 

BakaNeko

TRANSLATION: monster cat, ghost cat
HABITAT: towns and cities
DIET: carnivorous; fish, birds, small animals, and occasionally humans


APPEARANCE: Cats, feral and domestic, are found all over Japan: in houses as pets, on farms as exterminators, and in cities and towns as strays. When cats live to an old age, they begin develop supernatural powers and transform into yokai. Bakeneko begin their supernatural life looking almost identical to an ordinary housecat. Soon they begin to walk about at on their hind legs. As they age and their powers increase, they can grow to be very large, sometimes as big as a full-grown human.


BEHAVIOR: Bakeneko possess great shape-shifting abilities and frequently disguise themselves as smaller cats or humans – sometimes even their own masters. While in disguise, they like to dress up as humans with a towel wrapped around their head and dance around merrily. Many learn to speak human languages. They can eat things that are much bigger than they are, and even poisonous things, without any difficulty at all. It is even possible for a bakeneko to eat its own master and then take his form, living on in his place. If they do not kill their owners, they often bring down great curses and misfortune upon them. They can summon ghostly fireballs and are known to accidentally start house fires, their tails acting like torches on any flammable materials in the house. They also have the disturbing ability to reanimate fresh corpses and use them like puppets for their own nefarious purposes. They are generally a menace to any house they live in or near.


ORIGIN: Bakeneko can come into being as a result of a number of things, but the most common reasons are by living long-life (generally over 13 years), growing to a certain size (over 3.75 kilograms), by licking up large quantities of lamp oil. A telltale sign that a cat may be close to becoming a bakeneko is believed to be an exceptionally long tail. This superstition led to the custom of bobbing a cat’s tail at an early age to prevent it from growing supernaturally long and transforming into a yokai.


http://yokai.com/bakeneko/

My room

So I have my room mostly put together now. Its cute I think. I really like it.

Thats my room. I have it set up. I do need better book shelf's because my current ones have no more room and I still have books to put away. So I added book shelf's to my wishlist, I also added a computer desk to my wishlist and a dresser because I don't have one and I need one. I also still need the workout bench removed from this room so I can have more room in it. But this is my room. What do you all think?

cololring.

I wanted to share my coloring I did! It came out really great, and I'm glad with how it is. I started it at the hospital and I just finished it today. Its of two deer. (A male and a female) standing in a filed of flowers. I really like coloring, and I find it really relaxing to color and get lost in the pictures I'm coloring. I also have another page to do which is of tree frogs. 

Mental Health

I think when people put mental healthy as an issues that is caused by per and utter boredom, it speaks millions of words of the persons understanding of mental health. I think it speaks volumes about the education we have of mental health.  I think it also speaks about the lack of understanding and the lack of empathy we have. I think a lot of people do lack empathy and more people still relies on sympathy. Like Oh I've been thought that so I know. The thing people need to remember is mental health isn't caused by boredom.

People can have a job and be mentally ill, people can have no job being mentally ill. People can be self employed and mental ill, someone could be working for the government in a high up job and have mental illness. Someone who volunteers might have mental illness. Seriously mental illness is one of those things that doesn't care about the walk of life people come from. Its a illness. Its real.

I don't like when people invalidate mental illness as a laziness. It shows the person has no real care to listen and look at research.

Grounding to remember

I wanted to post the three kinds of grounding I do know of! I should also practice it more!

 1.) First one is... Place your hand (Doesn't matter which one) On your tummy. Take big breathes in, your hand should move when you inhale and exhale. Make your tummy fill up with the air and than push out all of the air with your mouth. In with your nose out with your mouth.

 2.) Second one I learnt is... feel the weight of your body. Relax and feel your bottom on the chair or couch your sitting on. Your legs and there weight, how if your standing or sitting the still have weight to them, and your back, if your lying feel the weight down onto the bed.

 3.) The last one I learnt is... Just name the things around you in the room your in. And if your outside the stuff around you. So like if your at a bus stop. It would be 'bus stop sign, trees, cars, house, bush, dog, bird..' You can say it out loud or in your head. Just naming stuff sometimes takes your mind off of the thing thats making your anxiety say hello.

New things.

I bought myself this today. They are Disney series keyrings. They are in mystery bags so you don't know what you are getting, which I liked! I've been wanting to do gachapon, and this is pretty close! But yeah, when I opened it I got Belle. I really liked her, so I'm happy I have her.

I also bought another package and it was for Nightmare Before Christmas!

He is going to be cute to have on my bag for Halloween season! I really wanted sally, but hey, the boogie man is pretty darn cute too! (I use to find him so scary in the movie when I was younger)

Game of Thrones

Game of thorns is a tv series I use to really adore, I found the story interesting. but over the seasons I've found the show less and less interesting. I feel like now adays the plot has been dropped and most of the story is just gore and there isn't a whole lot going on. Also a lot of patting on the backs of people being like 'oh ho ho, i'm so smart. I'm going to sit on the iron throne" but then do things that are stupid and are getting them lined up to die. I guess the other reason why I don't like the series as much anymore because all of the female characters have kind of fallen.

Some characters are still great who are women, but they are more the ones that are defined characters that are more hiding to get the throne, like cersie and the red priestess. But other character that could be 'bad ass.' don't look it, and don't do anything. Like I don't find Daenery's is that bad ass, she has dragons, and those dragons are bad ass, but shes not.  When she was with her husband who then passed, she was bad ass then, but now shes not. Shes turned more into a pampered princess.  I feel like shes more of a disney princess in that sense. I also find the old women of the Rose family interesting but again, I don't find the main characters that interesting anymore in the story.

I don't also like the idea of watching a show in hopes of seeing either nudity or Peter Dinklage to grace the screen.

I feel like I'm sounding so negative, but I'm really not looking forward to game of thrones this year so I won't be watching.

updated

I wanted to write up a post of stuff thats been going on in my life. I've had a rough week,  I've dealt with a lot of stress and I sadly feel back onto an old behavior I had. Which isn't good.

I ended up breaking my long run of not self harming earlier this week, I ended up hurting myself because I had broke up with my boyfriend and I felt really over whelmed and not real. So I hurt myself to see if I was real. So I've been looking after the areas and I've been using poly spore to make sure everything heals and I don't get infections.

In my group for people with bpd, I ended up asking if people knew any way to deal with disassociation and self harm. I got some really good ideas and I got a lot of good feed back and people seem to have been understanding and I didn't feel like I was being judged. Which was good, and I'm glad I was able to share because I just really want help.

For mental health reasons my boyfriend and I broke up. (I broke up with him) and I've been feeling odd from that. Odd in the sense of feeling empty and not really sure what to do about the emptiness. I guess for me its just hard to break up with someone for mental health reasons and having no real issues with the person.  I still really care about him, the issues is just my mental health.

So I've spent today going on shopping and picking up the little odds and ends I need to make my room feel more like a room. I ended up getting myself an alarm clock and a few other things. I also was able to get myself a set of bedding. Its great and the color is pretty and I really like it. I haven't put it on my bed yet. Mostly because my bed is up against the wall right now.

I still need to make room in this room. I'm not sure what we are going to do about the closet. I guess I can help him figure out the walk in closet we have. I know I'm going to take pictures of my room when I'm done setting it all up.

anyways I feel better writing out everything.

Dear Diary

My new necklace. I bought myself this today. Its a pentagram. I'm a witch and I've been wanting my pentagram for awhile now. I like it because its really light and it lands on my chest in a nice place.  This is one of my most recent buys. Which I wanted to share. 

Which Sailor Moon Character Are You?

Sailor Moon

[ ] You’re a Cancer.
[ ] You’re really quite short for your age (under 4’11” to 5’1”).
[ ] You are a hyperactive person.
[x] Your weakness is cute boys/girls & junk food.
[x] You’re very emotional & always seem to be crying over something.
[ ] You have a black cat.
[ ] You hate school, & your least favorite subject is math.
[x] You always seem to be late.
[ ] You may be kind & loving, but you are very jealous.
[x] You try to do good.


Total: 4

Sailor Chibi Moon

[ ] You’re the youngest of your group of friends.
[x] You have/had pink (in your) hair.
[x] Your hobbies are painting/drawing.
[x] You have a total sweet tooth.
[ ] Your favorite colors would be red & pink.
[] You’re typically childish & stubborn.
[] But you can be selfless, kind, trusting, & wise beyond your years.
[] You make friends very easily.
[x] Your mother is very childish/not mother-like.
[ ] You wish you were from the future.

Total: 4


Sailor Mercury


[x] You love school & are quite good at it/You have no least favorite subject.
[x] You are always stressed out.
[x] You love the color aquamarine.
[ ] You’re sign is a Virgo.
[x] You have/had blue (in your) hair.
[x] You are quite shy, & find it hard to make friends.
[x] You are always very kind & helpful towards everyone.
[x] Your favorite sport is swimming.
[] Your mom is always working.
[ ] You want to be a doctor/nurse when you’re older.

Total: 7

Sailor Mars
[x] You have a bad temper.
[ ] You hate learning about more modern history (within the last 100 years).
[ ] Your dream job is to be a singer or model.
[ ] You have dated someone your friend had a crush on.
[] You have a friend you’re always fighting with.
[x] You can run in high heels.
[] Your favorite color is red & black.
[ ] You love fortune-telling.
[ ] You used to be a complete loner, but now you are popular.
[ ] Your sign is an Aries.

Total: 2

Sailor Jupiter

[ ] You hate airplanes.
[x] You’re a tomboy, but have a girly side.
[x] You’ve always been taking care of yourself & are independent.
[x] You’re very strong-willed.
[x] You’re a troublemaker, or so people think.
[] You’re one of the tallest of your group of friends.
[x] Your sign is a Sagittarius.
[ ] You have an ex who you’re always thinking about since everything reminds you of
them.
[ ] You have dated a lot of people.
[x] You love cooking more than anything.
Total: 6

Sailor Venus
[ ] You have a white cat.
[x] Your favorite foods are Japanese foods.
[ ] Your favorite colors are red & yellow.
[x] You love to exercise.
[x] You are very cheerful person.
[] You love singing & want to be a singer when you’re older.
[ ] You’re good at almost any sport.
[ ] You’re an only child.
[] Your sign is a Libra.
[ ] You would fake your own death.

Total: 3

Sailor Uranus
[ ] You have short hair, enough to be mistake for a boy.
[ ] You love watching cars race or you race cars.
[ ] Your sign is an Aquarius.
[x] You’re into the same sex as yourself.
[x] You’re easily annoyed by people.
[] You have a very dry sense of humor.
[] You enjoy running (track or cross country).
[ ] You have a girlfriend (or if you’re a boy, boyfriend).
[] You love to confuse people.
[ ] You’re a huge flirt.

Total: 2

Sailor Neptune
[x] You’re average height for your gender.
[x] You’re very elegant & lady-like.
[x] You are into the same sex as yourself.
[ ] You have a girlfriend (or if boy, boyfriend) that you just pretend is a good
friend.
[x] You are very selfless.
[ ] You’re a Pisces.
[] Your least favorite food is mushrooms.
[x] You love music more than anything
[x] You have/had green (in your) hair.
[x] You can play an instrument of some sort.

Total: 7

Sailor Pluto
[x] You’re a Scorpio.
[ ] You want to be a fashion designer when you’re older.
[] Your favorite color is dark red.
[x] You drink green tea.
[x] You are not the best at playing music.
[x] You are quite blunt with your statements.
[x] You enjoy sewing & cooking.
[x] You would be considered a loyal friend.
[ ] If you could have one superpower, it’d be to tell the future.
[ ] The bug you hate the most are cockroaches.


Total: 6

Sailor Saturn
[x] You are by far the shortest of your group of friends.
[] Milk disgusts you.
[x] You enjoy reading more than anything.
[] You hate working out because you’re considered weak
[ ] You’re an only child.
[x] You have very few friends.
[ ] You’re a Capricorn.
[x] You’re a very shy person.
[] You live with your father.
[x] You care for others & appreciates sincere friendships.

Total: 5










I always loved sailor moon and I love doing sailor moon surveys.

French Onion Soup

Ingredients

• 4 tablespoons butter
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 large red onions, thinly sliced
• 2 large sweet onions, thinly sliced
• 1 (48 fluid ounce) can chicken broth
• 1 (14 ounce) can beef broth
• 1/2 cup red wine 
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 sprig fresh thyme leaves
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
• salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
• Udis Gluten free Hamburger bun. 
• 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese, room temperature
• 4 pinches paprika

Directions

Melt butter in a large pot over medium-high heat. Stir in salt, red onions and sweet onions. Cook 35 minutes, stirring frequently, until onions are caramelized and almost syrupy.
Mix chicken broth, beef broth, red wine and Worcestershire sauce into pot. Bundle the parsley, thyme, and bay leaf with a tea ball. Simmer over medium heat for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Remove and discard the herbs. Reduce the heat to low, mix in vinegar and season with salt and pepper. Cover and keep over low heat to stay hot while you prepare the bread.
Preheat oven broiler. Arrange bread slices(Or one half of the hambuger bun) on a baking sheet and broil 3 minutes, turning once, until well toasted on both sides. Remove from heat; do not turn off broiler.
Arrange 4 large oven safe bowls or crocks on a rimmed baking sheet. Fill each bowl 2/3 full with hot soup. Top each bowl with 1 slice toasted bread, and top with mozzarella cheese. Sprinkle a little bit of paprika over the top of each one.
Broil 5 minutes, or until bubbly and golden brown. As it softens, the cheese will cascade over the sides of the crock and form a beautifully melted crusty seal. Serve immediately

Cauliflower Pizza

The dough is made out of cauliflower, and cheese. We did a double recipe. for it. for 12''.


Dough:

What you'll need:

• 1 cup steamed and grated cauliflower (see notes) 
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese 
• 1 egg, beaten 
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano 
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed garlic 
• 1/2 teaspoon garlic salt 

Prepare: Take 1 large head of cauliflower. Remove stems and leaves from it. Chop the florets into chunks. Steam cauliflower in a colander (Or pot) with 1 inch of water for about 5 minutes or until it is tender, but not soft. Run steamed cauliflower under cold water to cool it and then grate it using a cheese grater. 

 
Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
Use a cookie sheet with olive oil. 

In a medium bowl, combine cauliflower, egg and cheese together.
Add oregano, crushed garlic and garlic salt.
Stir to combine.
Transfer mixture to the cookie sheet.
Pat out the mixture like dough to form a thin crust
Brush top of crust lightly with olive oil.
Bake 15 minutes.
Remove crust from the oven and add your sauce and toppings (meat should be precooked).
Place pizza under a broiler on high heat until the cheese is melted and bubbly. (Approximately 3 minutes).

Audrey Hepburn

One of my role models is Audrey Hepburn, I like a lot of starlights during her era in time, but Audrey is one of my favorites. It's kind of funny to say one of my favorites because I've only recently really found out about her and watched her movies. I have tumblr to thank for that. I really do admire her for who she is and was. You could watch her in her films and you could see her strength in the roles she could play. She had this sweetheart type of personality which she incorporated into her films.

I adore her and I really feel like she had this je ne sai quoi thing about her. She had this flawless class about her that words can't even describe, and I don't just mean that in appearance wise. the new fashion idol. Also, she was a huge humanitarian, and not Angelina Jolie, Madonna public about it. Many didn't know about that until after she died. Audrey was a fashion leader, world-helper, and brought something no one had before. she’s had a lot of life experiences that made her strong and made her an interesting and amazing person inside and out.

She is quite simply, my idol. :3

Myself as a Power Puff Girl

I saw online that I could power puff myself so I deceived I would try. This is Sae as a power puff girl. She's so cute.  I feel like she'd be a bouncy and happy character that fights crime and otherwise plays in the forest.  

n-n but yeah this is me as a power puff girl. Aren't I cute?

I so need to re-watch this show before the new one comes out. >W< I really loved power puff girls when I was a little kid, and I still like it now. 

Celiac Diease

What’s gluten?
its a form of several protein found in wheat, but other grains too (barley, rye, ect) Gluten is what causes the dough to get it’s starchiness and chewiness and it’s responsible for the elastic texture in dough.

If you have an intolerance to gluten it means your body can’t digest it/break it down.


Celiac Disease
Eating gluten (if you've been diagnose) causes your body to have a triggering effort throughout your body which causes your immune system to act. Over time the antibodies your body sent out will wear down the little hairs called villi, which line the walls of your intestine. These finger-like tiny hairs grab and absorb nutrients as foods pass through your lower digestive tract. But as celiac disease symptoms slowly destroy these villi, you become less and less able to process any nutrition from your food.

What are some other grains that have gluten?
Grains are gluten in its most natural form:

• Barley (barley malt) 
• Bran 
• Bulgur 
• Couscous 
• Farina 
• Kamut 
• Orzo 
• Semolina 
• Spelt 
• Tabbouli

So doesn't this just mean you don’t have to eat bread? Bread makes you fat anyways.

Its not just breads and other baked goods that have gluten in them, It’s other products that are made with wheat and other products. We use wheat a lot as fillers.

What are some things that have gluten aside from baked goods?

Pasta, cereals, chocolate, meat, soups/sauces, pickles.... Also alcohol and beer may have it as well.

The lindt chocolate bunnies they have out during Easter have gluten in them while other lindit chocolates do not during other holidays. Not everything with gluten needs to have wafers.

If it says gluten free it’s all good, otherwise it’s best to read packaging and if you don't know what a word means its best not to take them.

If you have an intolerance why don’t you just give yourself a little everyday and build up an immune system around that?

I've been asked this before, but this doesn't work like that.

What are your symptoms?

I won't talk to into detail... but I get abdominal pain and cramping, bloating, fatigue and headaches... you get the picture.

Is gluten free hard?

Gluten free was hard when I first started it. Because wheat and other gluten products are in a lot of foods. But now that I'm been sticking to the diet for a few years its been really easy.

Things I like about Lolita Fashion

☆ ~ The community is one of my biggest things I love. Mine that I go to, which I haven't been to in years was really nice. I should probably pick a time to go back and say hello to everyone now that I'm starting to get energy again.
☆ ~ Styles, I love how there's so many styles out there in lolita, and subtypes of lolita out there for people.
☆ ~ Creativity! When I see a really beautiful handmade piece or something coordinated in a really unique way it makes me really happy. It brings a smile to my face because I think that's a huge part and meaning behind lolita.
☆ ~ How supportive the community is. although there's hatefulness all around, you still see and hear a lot of people being nice to you.
☆ ~ Having people stop me on the street to ask about the fashion. In a good way, not in a bad way. I’m always happy to meet someone who’s heard about it or wants to hear about it or wants to wear it. Or has wore it.
☆ ~ The confidence it brings. It’s great to feel happy in the way I look and to have the support of friends and just randoms on the street that enjoy the way I look and to just brush off anything else mean.
☆ ~ I like how a lot of lolitas also have a lot of the same interests as I do.
☆ ~ I like how lolita fashion can be inspired by children's books like Alice in Wonderland.
☆ ~ I really like the small details, like the lace that goes into lolita dresses.

Flourless Cake

Ingredients:

• 6 1-ounce squares coarsely chopped semisweet chocolate 
• 1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter 
• 3/4 cup sugar 
• 3 large eggs 
• 1/2 cup cocoa 
• 1/4 teaspoon salt 
• 1 teaspoon vanilla 

For Glaze:

• 2 1-ounce squares coarsely chopped semisweet chocolate squares 
• 1 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter 
• 1 1/2 teaspoon milk OR light coconut milk 
• 1 1/2 teaspoons Agave syrup OR honey 
• 1/8 teaspoon vanilla 

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350°F

Spray a 7-inch tart pan with removable bottom with cooking spray. If you don’t have a tart pan, use a 6 to 7-inch springform pan. Line the bottom of the pan with parchment paper and spray the paper.

For the cake
Melt 6 ounces of chopped chocolate and butter in a heavy saucepan over medium low heat. Stir until chocolate and butter are melted and smooth.
Add sugar and salt and reduce heat to low. Cook while stirring for about one minute, until sugar starts to dissolve.
Remove pan from heat. Whisk in eggs, one at a time. The mixture will look smooth and glossy.
Use a mesh hand sieve to sift cocoa into mixture. This prevents lumps. Whisk until the cake batter is smooth. Add the vanilla in too.
Pour batter into prepared pan and bake in preheated oven for about 25 minutes. The center of the cake should be just firm to the touch, but be careful to not overbake the cake or it will be dry.
Cool in the pan on a wire rack for 15 minutes. Invert the cake on a plate.


For the glaze
To prepare the glaze, melt 2 ounces of chopped chocolate and 1 1/2 tablespoons of unsalted butter in the same saucepan you used to make the cake. When melted and smooth, remove the pan from heat. Add milk and Agave syrup OR honey and vanilla and stir until smooth and glossy. Let the glaze cool for about 3 minutes before pouring it on the cake.
Pour all of the glaze in the middle of the cake. Use a silicone or rubber spatula to spread the glaze evenly over the cake, allowing the glaze to evenly run down the sides of the cake.