Update

So far in my life I have started to deal with stresses of other things, my relationship break up stress has passed and I'm starting to feel more comfortable again. I just need to relax and feel okay with what I've choose to do. The most I want currently is the work out bench removed from my room, and maybe I need to be the one to take it apart. But other then that, nothing really bugs me about us breaking up anymore. But the stresser of breaking up and being alone has settled. I do however feel alone now. But I think thats normal. especially when living with the same person still, just in a different room makes it rough.

I also am annoyed at something else. Well annoyed and frustrated and at the same time really angry and I feel anxious about this situation. I feel mad because whats going on isn't right.  Its a family matter. Plugging it out in a key board and seeing the words pop up before my eyes while I type I think is going to help me out though. Being writing is soothing for me. And I have no ill intend behind the words I'm picking.

 I think for me what stresses me out is this place was never meant to be a stressful area for me. I felt like I could share what I want to share and be okay. But my family has other views and they are unhappy by what I post and how 'vague' I can be. The issues is, what I talk about is only what I'm comfortable with talking about. When you go through trauma you don't share everything at once and be like okay, now I'm done. I'm recovered, I'm fixed. Recovery and trauma takes time to work though. 

Yes, I can speak a bit about my mom and what she did to me. Yes, I can openly say my dad use to belt me. Yes. I can only say that my mom molested me. and that term, molest no longer triggers me. because its just a word, what triggers me is the thoughts that are connected to that word. and until I can recover from that. Thats the only way I can describe what happened without triggering myself. Because getting into the gritty of the details is really triggering. Those thoughts I have, I'd rather keep them locked up until I can find a proper professional to work with me. 

One of the things I struggle with is my family telling me to say it's all a lie. Its made up. I think for me that says a lot about the situation that happened and maybe the state of my family is at. Maybe finding out was too much for them. Maybe they have their own stories. But there stories and their thoughts are theres. and what really happened to me, happened to me. Its not going to go away, but I feel like I can't tell them, its all a lie. its made up. Just to try and make them feel better. Because that is lying, and that to me is hurtful and its allowing stigma to stay. Its also a urge to keep my silent which I really can't handle.  

So I can't say its a lie. It happened, it really did happen. But one thing I can say is, even though it happened, even though everything happened. I don't hate anyone. I don't dislike my family. I dislike one person, and her actions could have been stopped.  Thats the only person I dislike. and thats not my Dad, thats not my little sisters, and thats not my little brother. That is one person. And that person knows what she did, and that person no longer has the hold of me staying silent. 

As a victim, we talk a lot about breaking the silence. we talk a lot about breaking patterns. And if I don't speak about this, and if I don't recovery, and if I don't become more aware. The fact is, the self blame and the self haterd will take over. And I could end up running into more problems long term and maybe be assaulted again.  So I get this might be tough for them, its tough for me. But I really do love my family and I feel horrible they read and they learnt something about me, they might not want to have known. But it does happen.

Its counted as rare, its counted as under reported. Because the fact is its not reported. Which means its not known.